And now I drink heavily

I just had to sew a patch on the left side of my gi (karate uniform). It was the most horrifying experience of my life.

1) I don't know how to f$%^ing sew. I've never f$%^ing sewn a f$%^ing thing in my f$%^ing life (except for a vague recollection of home ec class in junior high, but maybe that was just a horrible, horrible dream). Seriously, not a f$%^ing thing. Not even a f$%^ing button.

2) I had to buy a pack of f$%^ing 16 spools of thread to get the one f$%^ing color of f$%^ing gold that I needed. The rest of the f$%^ing thread will now be used to f$%^ing strangle myself.

3) The f$%^ing pack came with a f$%^ing threader--but no f$%^ing instructions on how to use a f$%^ing threader.

4) I got the f$%^ing needle threaded pretty quickly (the old fashioned way, of course)--but then I had to f$%^ing RE-thread it like 30 f$%^ing times as I was sewing.

5) I lost f$%^ing count of the number of f$%^ing times I had to go back and pull out the last 3 or 5 or 10 f$%^ing stitches because I realized I was f$%^ing sewing OUTSIDE of the f$%^ing patch (don't f$%^ing ask).

6) Then, for the f$%^ing coupe de grace: when I was done, I had a nice length of thread left for tying my f$%^ing finishing knot. But, like a f$%^ing novice, I TOOK THE f$%^ing NEEDLE OUT ****AND**** CUT THE f$%^ing THREAD TO A SHORTER LENGTH APPROPRIATE FOR TRYING--AND THEN SPENT TWENTY f$%^ing MINUTES TRYING TO TIE IT INTO A LOOP BY f$%^ing HAND.

7) I mean, seriously. Have you ever tried to tie a f$%^ing loop in a piece of f$%^ing thread that's like half a f$%^ing inch long? I don't recommend it.

I am, however, finally done. Here are a couple of pictures. And if I did something wrong, I don't want to f$%^ing hear about it.

I can't believe people f$%^ing find sewing relaxing. I think I'm f$%^ing blind now...and, possibly, in need of a f$%^ing blood transfusion due to all the f$%^ing needle pricks.

(Yes, the material is a LITTLE puckered around the bottom of the patch there but frankly, I don't ever care. I don't think anyone will be looking that closely. If it becomes a problem, though, I swear, I'm taking it in to have it done. Whatever they charge me, it'll be worth it.)