Sunday, July 20, 2008

And now I drink heavily

I just had to sew a patch on the left side of my gi (karate uniform). It was the most horrifying experience of my life.

1) I don't know how to f$%^ing sew. I've never f$%^ing sewn a f$%^ing thing in my f$%^ing life (except for a vague recollection of home ec class in junior high, but maybe that was just a horrible, horrible dream). Seriously, not a f$%^ing thing. Not even a f$%^ing button.

2) I had to buy a pack of f$%^ing 16 spools of thread to get the one f$%^ing color of f$%^ing gold that I needed. The rest of the f$%^ing thread will now be used to f$%^ing strangle myself.

3) The f$%^ing pack came with a f$%^ing threader--but no f$%^ing instructions on how to use a f$%^ing threader.

4) I got the f$%^ing needle threaded pretty quickly (the old fashioned way, of course)--but then I had to f$%^ing RE-thread it like 30 f$%^ing times as I was sewing.

5) I lost f$%^ing count of the number of f$%^ing times I had to go back and pull out the last 3 or 5 or 10 f$%^ing stitches because I realized I was f$%^ing sewing OUTSIDE of the f$%^ing patch (don't f$%^ing ask).

6) Then, for the f$%^ing coupe de grace: when I was done, I had a nice length of thread left for tying my f$%^ing finishing knot. But, like a f$%^ing novice, I TOOK THE f$%^ing NEEDLE OUT ****AND**** CUT THE f$%^ing THREAD TO A SHORTER LENGTH APPROPRIATE FOR TRYING--AND THEN SPENT TWENTY f$%^ing MINUTES TRYING TO TIE IT INTO A LOOP BY f$%^ing HAND.

7) I mean, seriously. Have you ever tried to tie a f$%^ing loop in a piece of f$%^ing thread that's like half a f$%^ing inch long? I don't recommend it.

I am, however, finally done. Here are a couple of pictures. And if I did something wrong, I don't want to f$%^ing hear about it.

I can't believe people f$%^ing find sewing relaxing. I think I'm f$%^ing blind now...and, possibly, in need of a f$%^ing blood transfusion due to all the f$%^ing needle pricks.

(Yes, the material is a LITTLE puckered around the bottom of the patch there but frankly, I don't ever care. I don't think anyone will be looking that closely. If it becomes a problem, though, I swear, I'm taking it in to have it done. Whatever they charge me, it'll be worth it.)


Renee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I'm laughing so hard I'm making those squeaky noises trying to inhale! I'm sorry you had such a hard time with it, but it looks fine! For future reference, though, I think a dry cleaning place would do it for about $10 and they probably already have the thread. LOL. You probably spent $10 on the 16-pack of thread. LOLOLOLOLOL!

Fred said...

What a f$%^ing great post!

Try raising three teenage girls - you'd be drinking heavily times two.

lotus23blossom said...

Come on dude don't do that to me! I SMOKE! now I'v laughed myself to an early O2 tank. future reference, get a sheet of (no sew)its cut to size, cheap, and like doublesided tape (but you iorn it). after johns first year in scouts that is all I used.

Anna said...

I feel the same about sewing - generally a frustrating process not to be undertaken except in the most dire of circumstances.

But it looks great! Way to go! Could you just hot glue the next one on or do they have to be sewn?

Renee said...

LOL. Lisa: Jen ironing is almost as funny as Jen sewing. I foresee 3rd degree burns :-)

sparkydiva said...

holyshit snortlaughing. need oxygen STAT!

Nik said...

Okay, I about pissed my pants reading this one! Again, I can picture this one too. I think you did pretty badass though.

Why did you have to sew it on yourself though?

Jen said...

Ironing, no sew, glue gun...all options I didn't know I had.