Please indulge me
I've tried really hard not to make this blog a pity party after the latest (and final) breakup with Lying Cheating Bastard. But tonight, it's hard and so I have to say:
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss SHAWN. Not the cheating, lying, deceitful LCB, but the OTHER Shawn, the one who kept me ignoring my instincts and keeping my blinders on. The Shawn who made me laugh more and harder than any other boyfriend ever did. The Shawn I'd have so much fun with. The one who knew me surprisingly well. The one who made me smile. The one who gave me butterflies every time he called. emailed or texted or I walked in the door.
He was an almost daily part of my life for quite a while--not that long in the grand scheme of things, not a long time compared to the relationships some of YOU have had--but he was still a significant part of my life, for a long time for ME. And now, to have him gone just like that, it sucks. And the WAY it ended is what truly sucks. He took our friendship, he took my trust, and he threw it away. (Truth be told, he had probably done that long before he admitted to it.) It's like he erased all of the good memories with that one single act. And that's not even accurate. Those good times aren't ERASED. They're SULLIED.* And that's even worse.
I hate knowing that that guy, that this relationship--and all the good times that went along with it--all ended with him cheating with someone at work (and, again, there's a good chance that there were others). It's weird to have that dual-image in my head--the good Shawn and the bad Shawn. The one who made me so incredibly happy and the one who broke my heart.
I think, overall, I'm doing okay. I mean, hell, as I write this, it's only been 6 days since I got that email. In the last week, I've gone out with friends several times, seen my little sister and picked up a new hobby. I've gotten out of the house almost every day. Compared to how I would have reacted to a breakup (hell, how I HAVE acted), I'm recovering very well for just 6 days in. But I'm also wondering if maybe I'm staying TOO busy, and if, in keeping myself from really thinking about it, I'm actually holding myself back from getting over it. There's gotta be a happy medium between "bouncing right back" and "wallowing in misery," and I don't think I've quite found it yet.
Like I said, I know I'll be fine, I know the day will come when I barely think of him, and if I DO, it won't hurt. But right now...I can't believe it's only been 6 days. I swear to God, it's almost like time has slowed to a crawl. I'm trying to fill up my days, and it's almost like, the more I do, the slower time goes. Shouldn't it be going the other way?
And furthermore: how could the guy who made me so happy also be the same one who hurt me so deeply?
Right now, I miss him so much that my chest hurts.
*Mad props for the use of the word "sullied"