This about says it all

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

I'm sorry but...

I just have to vent one more time, because I'm feeling pretty down today. Still no word from Shawn, so I can only assume that he's totally gone. (Yes, I sent him an email telling him that at this point, the best thing he could do for me was just to stay gone, rather than continuing to mess with my head, but you also know that that wouldn't stop him if he really gave a shit.)

I think it's just hard for me because of the crazy aspect. He was one of the very few who saw the crazy and still loved me. And now, clearly, he doesn't. So once again, I've lost someone else because I'm all messed up. That means that the only person left who has seen me in an episode and is still around is a friend named Mike, one of the very first people I met down here. That's all. So I am clearly quite unloveable, I guess.

And no, nothing major happened the last time I saw Shawn. I was a bit "off", but it was really more of a bad case of PMS than a bipolar episode; hardly anything at all, especially for me. ;) But I don't know, I guess maybe he was just sick of dealing with someone who could BE more emotional than your average chick. I don't know. It's just hard to realize that, yeah, this disease or condition or whatever you want to call it will make it significantly more difficult for me to find someone who will love me unconditionally, who will see through it for the "real Jen," as opposed to the other Jen who is kind of lurking, waiting for the chance to come out and play. (Why do I suddenly feel like Chucky now? LOL)

I truly don't mean to whine and feel sorry for myself. That's honestly not what this is about. Because really, I had come to almost accept the bipolar and even appreciate that it made me ME; that it brought a lot of unique and funny and interesting aspects to my personality, as well. But now, suddenly, I feel like I have to go back into hiding with it, that I have to keep the veil up, the wall, the curtain, especially around any new people who may come into my life, since there's no way they'd love me (or continue to love me) once they saw the crazy, because let's face it, no one else really has. I thought otherwise for a while, and that made me feel really good, and that's ALSO why I was so loyal to and supportive of him--because he was the same to me, in a way that almost no one else in my life had ever been.

But apparently, the crazy is only cute for, oh, a couple of years.

Duly noted.

I know you don't care but...

Okay this is a venting post; in fact, I'll probably turn comments off cuz I know you guys will have nothing nice to say about it. BUT, I'm a slow learner, so consider this just me continuting on my journey...

Shawn and I, even though I don't talk about him on here that much anymore (since I don't want to be lynched), have carried on our friendship this whole time. We'd hang out once a week, usually drinks or something, and things were cool. Yeah, he still had his girlfriend, and YEAH, technically, I MAY still have had feelings for him, but we were still FRIENDS, you know? And say what you want, but he would still be there for me when I needed him, or when I was a bit on the crazy side, because he was one of the few who saw that and was STILL THERE. And as we know, that's hard to find. (Sure, Dave eventually came back, but by then I couldn't trust HIM because he left when I needed him, unlike Shawn, who, although he couldn't keep it in his pants, was there for me in a lot of other ways. He saw my crazy and handled it and, in his way, kept me sane...when he wasn't driving me crazy.)

But there were times when he WOULDN'T be there, or I'd catch him in a lie, but that's okay, because no one is perfect, and he accepted me the way I was and I accepted him.

...And then suddenly, he stopped calling me back. I haven't talked to him in like 10 days. No big deal, right? But for us, it WAS. We never ever ever go that long. Ten days for us is a sign that something is a'brewin'.

LOL. A'brewin.

So...yeah. It's like suddenly, he dropped out of my life. My BFF is gone. And I have no idea why or what I did. And I'll be damned if I tell him, because I tried to contact him, left him a couple of VMs and a text or two, and that's all I can do; it's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me...but shit. WTF?? He didn't even call to see how my first day of school was. That HURT. For that matter, he didn't even call to see how my first WEEK was. It's like he just doesn't care anymore. And I know some of you are saying "He never cared in the first damn place, ass hat," but he did. In his own way, he did.

Or ...maybe he didn't, and that's what I'm seeing now.

Because even after the relationship, we had a friendship. He knew me. And for him to totally disappear for this long is WEIRD for him. For us. So I guess I did something, and I don't know what. And I won't chase after him, because unlike Ye Old Jen, I actually have pride now. And dignity. And if someone cares about me, they'll be in my life. I won't keep calling and texting him with no response. He's made it clear that he doesn't care about what's happening with me. But it just hurts, I guess. Because I've defended him and defended him, against you guys and everyone here, and, what? Now he proves them right? THAT PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE BY PROVING THEM RIGHT, HE HAS PROVED ME WRONG, AND I HATE TO BE WRONG. LOL.

So...yeah. I miss Shawn. But he obviously doesn't miss me or have a place for me in his life, so...what am I supposed to do? That little fucktard knows I'm always there for him, and all I can do is....hell. Nothing. I can do NOTHING. Is this what it's like to have pride and dignity? Cuz frankly, it kind of sucks. LOL. Even now, I want to call him and try to figure out what's up, because this is NOT like him, but...he won't call or email or text and I must have done something, so...whatever. I have my friends and my work and I'm happy. But I still miss him. Any time he's not in my life, I miss him.

That's all. Thanks for listening, even if you're flipping off your monitors right now. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day, 5th grade style


As many of you know, Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday as a teacher. It beats Halloween and even Christmas. There's something about making your little "mailboxes," passing out your valentines, and then sitting down and going through all of your cards while eating cupcakes and candy that is guaranteed to make to make your heart smile...even if, for example, your fucktard, on-and-off boyfriend breaks up with you a week before Valentine's Day and will instead be spending it with his OTHER girlfriend (but at the same time, he was there for me during--and AFTER, which is a big deal for me--my Crazy, which really reinforced the fact that he's a shitty boyfriend but truly a great friend). My point is, even with all of that, I'm still going to have a great Valentine's Day--because of my kids (and then, for V-Day night, I'm going to see "He's Just Not That Into You" with my single friends).


Here are the valentines I'm passing out this year. Yes, those are rock star valetines, and yes, they come with tattoos. Seriously, are these sweet or what? Hell yeah!

Dolphin-palooza

(But first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RENEE!!!!!!!!!)

This weekend wasn't ALL psychoticness (yes that IS a word), however. In fact, we had a pretty damn good Saturday. We went out on the boat--and this time, we actually SAW dolphins. No, scratch that. We EXPERIENCED dolphins.

See, every other time we've gone "dolphin hunting," we've never found them. Well, once we saw one, but that was it. This time, we saw dolphins a LOT. And I'm talking pods of like 3 and 4 at a time. And they were REALLY close to the boat. In fact, at one point, a group of 3 went UNDER our boat (that's how close they were) and resurfaced RIGHT NEXT TO US. I could have reached out and touched them. You have no idea the amount of willpower it took not to jump into the water with them. (Side note: dolphins are my "thing," in case you didn't know. I LOVE dolphins. And not in a "aww, dolphins are cute" kind of way, either. They make me happy and bring me this sense of--peace, I guess. So being that close to them was amazing.)

Once I get some pictures emailed to me (and maybe even VIDEO, I hear), I'll get them up.

Here's a pic he took on another trip last year. This is NOT one from dolphin-palooza, but it does "capture the moment" and the experience of Saturday.








I loves me some dolphins.

My visit to the Ron Clark Academy--and other stuff

I'm sorry it took me so long to get this post up. I've been pretty busy the last couple of weeks. I expect that I'll have some extra time now, though.

I was at Shawn's last night and, well, he saw Bad Jen. It wasn't pretty, of course (we'll leave it at that). I'm feeling pretty low today because I haven't had a full-blown episode since July 2007--since "the night" that finally drove me to seek help and get on the meds. So yeah, it's been an entire year and a half since I had one, which is great. I knew when I started treatment that the meds wouldn't ever make the episodes go away completely and permanently--they would just help to increase the time between the major incidents and to help me control the more minor ones. But it's always heartbreaking when one happens, because once again, there was someone involved who I care about very much. I don't know how this will affect our friendship, and I can only hope that he remembers that last night wasn't me, that the last YEAR is who I am. Over the last year, I've defended him by saying that he may be a shitty boyfriend but a great friend. I guess now we'll see whether my faith was right on or misplaced.

Brad, my roommate, did make me feel a lot better when I talked to him about it this morning. He told me that he's known quite a few bipolar people, including a couple of family members, and that "by far" I'm handling the BP "way better than anyone else he's ever seen." He also reminded me that I've had, what? 500 good nights and 1 very, very bad one in the last year and a half. He told me to quit being so hard on myself. "You're crazy, Jen," he helpfully reminded me. "So sometimes you're going to act like it. That's just how you roll."

LOL. Nicely put, my friend.









Get it? Bi POLAR? I don't care who are, that's funny.








ANYWAY. Onto the fun stuff: my day with Ron Clark.

When we got to the school, we were greeted in the lobby by a bunch of the students. Ron Clark introducted them--they were the students who wrote and performed the "Dear Obama" song that I posted earlier on this blog. And then--they performed it for us. I have to tell you, I got incredibly choked up. The talent in these kids is just amazing, and to see and hear this song in person was powerful.

Painted on the lobby floor

Then we all broke up into our assigned groups for the day (there were about 25 visitors on this particular day). First, my group visited the language arts teacher's room. She was wrapping up a unit on using the blues as poetry. Today, the kids were presenting blues songs they had written themselves. Of course, there were some great ones.

And then came the moment I've been waiting for: we went to Ron's classroom for an hour and a half to watch him teach math. I could spend the next 4 hours trying to put this experience into words and I still wouldn't come close. Suffice it to say that it was the experience of a lifetime. (He would walk ACROSS the rows of students' desks--and I mean, on top of them--as he checked their answers. "Good....nice job....you're very close...go back and double check that last step." I laughed out loud when he looked down at one student's work. He crossed his arms, cocked his hip and said, "Now that's not even in the realm of POSSIBILITY. Come on now." ) What struck me the most, though, was that even in THE Ron Clark's classroom, the kids weren't perfect. He had to "fuss" (his word) at a couple of kids, and a few even had to get up to write their names on the board, etc. I know that may not seem like that big of a deal, but it brought me a lot of comfort to see that even for THIS man, students can still act up. And it was amazing to see these kids jump up and sing all of these songs and raps that Ron has written (including one for the order of operations). It was truly an amazing classroom to be in. The whole time, I kept sitting there, thinking, I'M WATCHING RON CLARK. It was almost surreal.

Next was lunch. The kids eat in their classrooms, so we all spread out and talked to the students while we ate. That was also a great experience. I was talking to a particular young man who went to the inaugration, and it was really interesting to hear about the experience from his point of view.

After lunch, we had a couple of workshops and seminars. First, we returned to the L.A. teacher's room, where she broke us up into groups and had us write OUR own blues songs. We only had 15 minutes or so, but I have to say, all of the groups had some great ones (they all turned out to be teaching-related; ours talked about a kid who hadn't taken his meds and was out of his seat all day; it turned out pretty funny). Then we were in Kim Bearden's room; she's the woman who cofounded the school with Ron. She told us about all these different games she plays with the kids--to present new information, to review old info, etc. I can't even tell you how many great ideas we got out of that single hour. Again, I was blown away--and made VERY aware of just how far I have to go to be considered a truly great teacher.

AND THEN: we all returned to Ron's room. He didn't have students during this partiular period, so it was like a professional development session--WITH FREAKIN' RON CLARK. He talked to us about classroom management. Of course, my dorky ass sat in the first row, dead center--and at several points he was talking to us WHILE STANDING ON MY DESK. **MINE**!!!!!! (I received a very stern warning from my friends beforehand, forbidding me from latching myself to his leg and declaring my undying love for him. Damn buzz kills.)

After that, we went down the slide (a giant winding slide that the kids can take from the 2nd floor to the first, officially become "slide certified"). And then we had one last chance to mingle with Ron, get pictures and autographs, etc.

The day, truly, was one I'll never forget. In fact, I probably COULDN'T have posted about the experience any earlier, because I was still absorbing and processing everything.

It was the memory of a lifetime.

Court of Public Opinion

So LCB came over last night JUST to visit me for a while. He drove 40 minutes (round trip) to sit and hold my hand for like 30 (LOL, I TOLD you I was a baby). He even brought gifts of medicine and chicken noodle soup (which I'm pretty sure he shoplifted, since he had everything in his pants pockets). And unlike Renee's theory, NO, he didn't have a dirty "ulterior motive." He didn't even TRY. The raunchiest he got was when I asked him to check the Jello in the fridge. "Can you check and see if it's hard yet?" I drowsily asked--and, well, NO ONE would be able to let that comment fly without the obvious retort.

Like I said--yes, he wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and as much as I might want to, we could never get back together because I could never trust him...but he IS a damn good friend. I'm the first to admit that I'm a total pain in the ass when I'm sick, and the fact that he drove from the next town at 9:00 on a "school night" JUST TO willingly subject himself to that meant a whole lot to me. No, none of this makes up for or takes away the pain of the cheating--and trust me, everything isn't puppies and butterflies. There's still some resentment under the surface that occasionally pops up when we're hanging out. But to me, that's a separate issue from the friendship. It's like I'm dealing with two different people--Shawn the friend and Shawn the LCB. He fucked up, for sure. I'm not excusing the cheating and lying part at all...and yeah, he broke my heart. But maybe as my friend, he can also heal it.

Even MOM doesn't "hate him" anymore. Whoo hoo!!!!

Clash of the Worlds

For the first time, Shawn and Brad have met. Shawn stopped by for a little while last night and Brad and John (aka Fiance) were here.

And of course--OF COURSE--Brad and LCB hit it off like gangbusters. In fact, they were swapping numbers and shit. I think they may have been making plans to go shopping, but I'm not sure. ;)

Ten bucks says I start coming home and finding LCB here, playing video games and engaging in--"other recreational activities" with my roommate.

And it may have been my imagination, but I could have sworn that LCB was "marking his territory" around Fiance. I know it's not a getting-back-together thing in any way, but he did revert back to pet names and some outward affection. I punched him, though. ;) (But not hard, cuz part of me liked it. I thought it was kind of cute.)

Shout out!

To LCB, Boat Day, choppy waters, beer fights, beach-front bars, Gigantic Asses, the hottest band singer EVER, Leaving on Jet Planes, pineapple pizza, $3 Jagers and $6* cigarettes.

(Did I cover everything?)

Pizza: $20
Shots: $30
Watching LCB sing along to songs he CLEARLY didn't know: priceless

Still no dolphins, though. Bastard.

*I realize that in Michigan, $6 is the NORMAL price for cigarettes; but down here, it's freakin' obscene.

And here's the picture I sent to LCB while I was waiting for him to get off work. I was showing him that I was ready for Boat Day and our attempt at dolphin-spotting.

Shit. Shit. Double shit.

So, um, apparently LCB has found my blog. (THAT was an interesting phone convo.) He likes that he has a special nickname but wishes it was something like "Mr. Big." I told him not to flatter himself.

Oh yeah. And we had lunch today. And you know what? It was really, really great. It was my FRIEND Shawn, not the LCB Shawn. The Shawn who can STILL make me laugh more than any other guy I've ever dated. Did it make me sad to see him? Maybe a little, perhaps. But only because I realized how much I've missed him being in my life the last couple of weeks.

I KNOW that you guys don't understand why I stay friends with exes--and probably especially in THIS case. In fact, in my "I miss Shawn" post, I said that it sucked that the way we ended overshadowed all the good. And maybe it will always be that way, whether I like it or not. Maybe our friendship will never be quite the way it was--I mean, I DID take a pretty hard emotional punch to the gut and a bitch-slap to the face (and then a kick to head)--figuratively, of course. And with everything that went down--yeah, of course, I see him differently. But the way I look at it is--he can't cheat on our friendship, ya know? (LOL, does that make sense?) He never once let me down as a friend, and he proved that again today.

(And yes, this truly is platonic. He's still dating that girl from work. Do I still care about him? Well, DUH. When you feel that way about someone, it doesn't just go away after 2 weeks. But in all honesty, being with him today was kind of the best of both worlds--I had my friend Shawn back, but without all of the stress and beating-my-head-against-the-wall of a "relationship.")

Shit, I haven't figured it all out yet, either. But maybe I can do that while we're mini-golfing next week. ;)

Please indulge me

I've tried really hard not to make this blog a pity party after the latest (and final) breakup with Lying Cheating Bastard. But tonight, it's hard and so I have to say:

I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss SHAWN. Not the cheating, lying, deceitful LCB, but the OTHER Shawn, the one who kept me ignoring my instincts and keeping my blinders on. The Shawn who made me laugh more and harder than any other boyfriend ever did. The Shawn I'd have so much fun with. The one who knew me surprisingly well. The one who made me smile. The one who gave me butterflies every time he called. emailed or texted or I walked in the door.

He was an almost daily part of my life for quite a while--not that long in the grand scheme of things, not a long time compared to the relationships some of YOU have had--but he was still a significant part of my life, for a long time for ME. And now, to have him gone just like that, it sucks. And the WAY it ended is what truly sucks. He took our friendship, he took my trust, and he threw it away. (Truth be told, he had probably done that long before he admitted to it.) It's like he erased all of the good memories with that one single act. And that's not even accurate. Those good times aren't ERASED. They're SULLIED.* And that's even worse.

I hate knowing that that guy, that this relationship--and all the good times that went along with it--all ended with him cheating with someone at work (and, again, there's a good chance that there were others). It's weird to have that dual-image in my head--the good Shawn and the bad Shawn. The one who made me so incredibly happy and the one who broke my heart.

I think, overall, I'm doing okay. I mean, hell, as I write this, it's only been 6 days since I got that email. In the last week, I've gone out with friends several times, seen my little sister and picked up a new hobby. I've gotten out of the house almost every day. Compared to how I would have reacted to a breakup (hell, how I HAVE acted), I'm recovering very well for just 6 days in. But I'm also wondering if maybe I'm staying TOO busy, and if, in keeping myself from really thinking about it, I'm actually holding myself back from getting over it. There's gotta be a happy medium between "bouncing right back" and "wallowing in misery," and I don't think I've quite found it yet.

Like I said, I know I'll be fine, I know the day will come when I barely think of him, and if I DO, it won't hurt. But right now...I can't believe it's only been 6 days. I swear to God, it's almost like time has slowed to a crawl. I'm trying to fill up my days, and it's almost like, the more I do, the slower time goes. Shouldn't it be going the other way?

And furthermore: how could the guy who made me so happy also be the same one who hurt me so deeply?

Right now, I miss him so much that my chest hurts.

*Mad props for the use of the word "sullied"

Checking in

After an "are you alive?" email from Renee, I figured I'd better write a quick post. Things are great, I've just been crazy busy with work and school. (I, of course, procrastinated on this class I'm taking, and now I have to get everything done by May 15.) Today, Shawn took me out to Sanibel and Captiva islands (the ritzy islands right off Ft. Myers--SO incredibly beautiful). We had a bonding day (and night--and no, I don't mean that in the dirty way). Things are really going well. He started making little comments EMPLOYING the L word, such as, "You know what I love the most about you?" Shit like that. So we'll see how it goes. We're coming up on four months--whoo hooo!

All in all, I'm okay. Getting VERY tired and counting down to the end of school (5 weeks).

My crazy doc put me on a new med that's not supposed to have any weight gain the way lithium did, but it's making me break out like crazy. Of course, so did lithium at first so I'm trying to at least give it a chance. No change in weight yet, because I'm still on the lithium (I have to kind of wean off of that). I really did like the lith., though. I mean, hell, it kept me episode-free for almost a full year. This new stuff was making me a little bitchy this week, but I went online and most people also say that that goes away after a while, too (they call it "breakthrough irritability").

So yeah, lots going on. =-)

Oh, and for those who haven't seen on the other blog--Carolicious is pregnant again! Pretty cool.

May is SUCH a big month. New Kids performing on the Today show, Sex and the City movie, my field trip to Busch Gardens.....lots of good stuff coming up.

WTF?

So we finally watched The Prestige last night. This was Shawn's Netflix pic about two rival magicians. (The "prestige", incidentally, refers to the final part of a magician's trick, the "wow" moment. Sound intersting? Yeah, not to me either.)

Let's just put it this way. After the big, climatic ending, as the final credits rolled, we sat in silence for a minute. Then I turned to him and, very succintly, summarized my feelings on the movie:

"HUH?!"

Then, to clarify, I added: "What the fuck just happened?"

He sat there for a minute, formulating his thoughtful, insightful, explanation.

"I have no fucking idea," he finally answered.

So there you have it. Yes, there were parts of the movie that were cool, interesting, attention-holding, dramatic, etc. Due to a tragedy early in the movie, they basically hated each other, and spent their whole careers not just stealing each other's tricks to ruin their rival's shows, but, as it escalated, to trying to take each's lives. It was an interesting premise. However, we should have known we were in trouble when we had to stop and replay the movie from the beginning about 3 minutes in--because we were already lost.

He said he'd try to get online today to the message boards and find some kind of explanation or summary of the ending--because so many things happened that we were absolutely clueless.

How to train your man

Today, Rachel (my 10-year-old Little Sister through BBBS) took me to her favorite neighborhood BBQ joint (and by "took me," I mean that I drove and paid. She played the important role of asking for a table for 2). After eating, I complemented her on her choice (it WAS pretty good), at which point she suggested that maybe I could take my boyfriend there sometime.

"Oh, I don't know," I teased her. "I don't know if he's been good enough for me to take him out."

She was quiet for a moment. "Well," she suggested. "You can do what my teacher does and make him a chart."

I just DIED, because of course I knew what type of chart she was referring to. It's a behavior modification/positive reinforcement chart.

"Really?" I finally asked, once I had stopped laughing. "How would that work?"

"Well, you make a chart," she explained, "and every time he does something good, like clean his room or buy you a present, you give him a sticker. And then when he gets enough stickers, you can take him to Sonny's. But if he ISN'T good," she adds ominously, "NO STICKER AT ALL."

"Ah," I said. "How many stickers are we going for?"

"Like 10."

"Hmmm," I answered, feigning deep thought and consideration. "But what kind of stickers would I use?"

"Butterflies," she immediately replied. "And then you tell him [and here she adopts a very commanding, no-nonsense tone], 'Boyfriend, if you want to go out to eat, you better be good and get 10 stickers. Or no barbeque for you.' "

I, of course, am hysterical again. But I have to say, I think she's onto something. In fact, I dare say that this just may become the new Rules.

Ladies, feel free to adopt and modify in your own relationships, as needed.

Score 1 for Shawn

Finding Neverland (his debut Netflix choice) was actually INCREDIBLY good. In fact, it's one of my new favorite movies.

Go rent it if you haven't already seen it. (Stock up on Kleenex, though. Seriously, it's actually quite chick-flicky, especially at the end.)

Battle of the 'flix

Shawn and I recently took a huge step in our relationship.

I gave him the login info to my Netflix account so that he could have a say in what we watch. (I was feeling generous. After all, I watch a majority of the movies with him.) So this account is, for all purposes, a "joint" account. We can both add, delete and rearrange the movies in the queue (or, for those not familiar with Netflix, the movies on your list, which they send in the order you have them listed).

I logged in tonight and, sure enough, I'm already seeing the difference in our movie preferences. Now, some of my movies were still in their original spots--Walk Tall: The Dewey Cox Story. And others, such as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, had actually been moved UP. Awww, I thought. We are SO compatible.

Then I started noticing other changes to my queue (I'm sorry, "our" queue). For example: Dan in Real Life was originally near the top of my list. Here's the synopsis of DRL: "Advice columnist and widowed father of three Dan Burns (Steve Carell) has met someone new. Marie (Juliette Binoche) is beautiful, she's smart -- and she just so happens to be the girlfriend of Dan's brother Mitch (Dane Cook). With a publicly recognized moral compass, Dan finds himself torn between reaching for happiness and keeping the peace in his family."

Sample review: "It tells a funny and emotional story without any of the sentimental shorthand found in most romantic comedies."

Sounds good, right??

It has since been replaced with The Prestige. Or, should I say, "At the dawn of the 20th century, rival magicians Robert Angier (Hugh Jackman) and Alfred Borden (Christian Bale) are desperate to reveal each other's secrets. Obsessed by the escalating competition, the two illusionists begin to perform increasingly risky tricks -- which soon turn deadly."

Sample review? "It's quite a movie -- atmospheric, obsessive, almost satanic."

And there, my friends, is the difference between the sexes.