Oops

So. First I should come clean (with those of you who don't know) and say that I got back with Lying Bastard shortly after my return to Florida. However, that blew up in my face in SPECTACULAR fashion yesterday when he informed me that he slept with someone else over the weekend and, in fact, was leaving me for her.

Awesome.

Needless to say, I was a bit upset yesterday. (And still am, but hell, it's my own damn fault. I was almost asking for it, really. "I SUSPECT you're cheating on me, but since I still have SOME measure of self-respect left, let's get back together so you can take care of that. That way, I can hang in there until you ADMIT that you're cheating on me--and then you can kick me when I'm down by telling me that after 6 months of not quite being able to commit to me, you're ready to become exclusive with her after just a FUCKING WEEK. How's that? Sound like a plan?")

Ahem.

Anyway, I went to my already-scheduled Crazy Doc appt. today. After talking to me for a few minutes, she informed me that I was in the middle of a manic episode and actually had been for at least the last week or so--well before this Lying Bastard shit hit the fan. I knew that I had been feeling--not depressed, exactly, but more apathetic--I just didn't feel like going out, I wasn't calling people back, etc. On top of that, however, I've been up all night, unable to sleep; I've been spending money like I'm freakin' Paris Hilton or some shit--and a few other things that are the hallmark of "up" episodes. Ironically, I am just 10 days or so from the one-year anniversary of my breakup with Dave--and, of course, the famous episode that sent me into treatment in the first place (shout out to the nice officers of the Estero Police Department. Holla!). So, I'm almost extra bummed to find out that I'm struggling with it again, since it's been a full year--which, in hindsight, is the longest I've gone my whole LIFE without a "freak out" or "melt down" or "temper tantrum" (as I would have called it before). I know that bipolar disorder is never cured, and even with medicine, you're almost guaranteed to have future episodes--the key, though, is to recognize the symptoms early and deal with it before it becomes more severe. And luckily, we caught it in time. But still, I've been all proud of myself for being "normal" this last year.

Dr. L did say, though, that it was a good thing I came in when I did, since already being in an episode and then having this added emotional "strain" added to it probably would have sent me into a much more severe, um, situation.

The funny part is that during our last appt. about 5 weeks ago, she had written me a script for a particular "sleeping pill"--you all remember me talking about it, I'm sure. It's the stuff that totally knocked me on my ass. Well, it's a special sleeping pill for people with BP--however, I thought it was an "as needed" kind of pill. As she was reviewing my chart today, she said, "Okay, so right now you're on the Lamictal and the Seroquel--" and I interrupted her and said, "No, not really." She gave me her over-the-glasses look and I clarified, "I only take that Seroquel stuff when I really need it and honestly, once my samples ran out, I just kind of stopped and went back to the Unisom and stuff."

She looked at me like I was a dullard and informed that I was supposed to be taking that EVERY NIGHT. "It's part of what helps to control your disease," she said. "It makes sure you're getting enough sleep every night, which is crucial for people with BP, but it also helps to regulate your brain chemistry during the day."

Ooops. My bad. =-)

So, yeah--I filled that script on my way home, LOL. And I'm fittin' to take one right now, actually, since I slept for, oh, 2 hours last night.

I'll be okay (both crazy-wise and heartbreak-wise)...but it may take a while.