Sunday, August 31, 2008

Deep thought

One of my sensei's biggest complaints about me is that I don't hit hard enough. That's not to say I CAN'T--when I'm working with the punching bag, I can land a surprisingly (even to me) hard, solid punch. Working with other people, though--or even pretending to--is much harder for me. I keep holding back.

It suddenly occured to me why (okay, not suddenly, as I've been mulling about this for weeks--but it just CAME to me). See, during The Infamous Episode of 2007, I hit two people--many, many times. Two people who were very important to me. And I did irrevocable damage to both of those relationships. Hell, I did quite a bit of damage to MYSELF, both physically and otherwise. It's what finally convinced me, after a decade, to seek treatment. And I've spent the last 13 months making sure that something like that never, ever happens again. All the meds, all my therapy, every fiber of my being has gone into "getting better" and not "going crazy" again.

I know that controlled punches in karate are much, much different from what happened that night. But I've spent so much time, money and effort into reigning in that part of me--burying it way down deep--that it's hard to now "throw a punch," no matter what the situation or circumstances. I threw plenty of them that night--and it wasn't pretty. So now it's very hard for me to --I don't know, give myself permission, I guess, to really PUNCH someone (I should note that in class, we don't go around walloping each other--but when working with Sensei, we're supposed to throw real punches because, of course, they don't actually LAND, as she's a black belt and I still suck).

I don't know if any of this makes any sense because I'm still trying to work it out for myself. I guess the bottom line is that my brain is still making a connection that "punching = bad" --not to mention that it brings up some pretty ugly memories and flashbacks for me. I know that night was horrible for them--but hell, it wasn't good for me, either. The damage and shame of that night will stick with me the rest of my life--although I guess it's kind of like an alcoholic going on the bender to end all need the experience of it to stay "on the wagon." And any time I'm even TEMPTED to go off my meds (" 'cuz I've been okay for so long now" and "maybe I'm really NOT bipolar, I've just gotten more mature and gotten a better grip on my temper and THAT'S why I haven't had an episode --or at least one like that--in 13 months"), I just have to think back to that night....and that's all the motivation I need.

I'm sure this will pass and I'll break through (no pun intended) my little punching phobia. After all, if I'm going to kick ass, I have to quit being such a p*ssy.


Jen said...

Unrelated note: I updated the music on my jukebox thingie to include a number of songs. I tried to be as random as I could, just to make things interesting. There are songs from every decade starting from the 60s. I hope you'll enjoy them (and that some will make you smile)

Jen said...

PS--I hope there's at least one song on there that makes you say (or think, if you're at work) "awwwwwwww shit". If there is, tell me what your "aww shit" song is.

sparkydiva said...

my aww shit song is the come on ride the train song...we used to crank it up and get our drink on to it before we went out...and drank some more. lol.

loves ya - and stop being such a p*ssy. hahahahahaha.


Renee said...

My "awwwww shit" song was Rock Me Amadeus. I'm sure there are others, but that's the first one I heard when I got on here and it brought me back :-)

I think your epiphany is pretty deep, and probably spot on. But, I think Karate should be your release. You have to release it somehow, and a controlled environment sounds like the best place for it. I hope you can work through that. Have you talked about it with sensei? Maybe she can give you some insight.

anna said...

That makes sense to me. Our whole lives we're taught that violence is bad. It's hard to just switch that off.

You could ask sensei about it. You don't have to get into that night; you could just say you're having a hard time getting over past experiences.

My aww shit song is probably No Rain. It brings me right back to High School.

Jen said...

You can't just pick random "aww shit" songs, anna. What the hell is "no rain"?

Jen said...

Incidentally, any time I hear the opening notes to "Midnight train to georgia" I always think "awwwwwwwwww shit". That's what made me ask the question

anna said...

No Rain from the 90's. Man, who did sing that? Blind Melon, I think.