I don't even know what to say.

This article just gutted me for two reasons. First of all, it's titled "Aug. Death Toll for Reserves in Iraq Soars," and it examines how deadly the first 10 days of August have been for Reserves and National Guard members in Iraq (Thomas in NG). So it's a scary article for me to read to begin with.

However, there's another aspect that makes this article even more heartbreaking. The soldier featured, both in the article and in the photo, was one of "our" guys. Even worse, his Angel is a friend of mine. She received word of her soldier's death on her 21st birthday. She got the call while she was writing him a letter.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20050812/D8BU7N0G0.html

This particular death hit me especially hard. I didn't know him while he was alive, but in the days since he was taken from us, his Angel and I have talked, and she's shared with me some stories about him, both funny and poignant, and even shared some of his words with me. Getting a glimpse into the soul of this man who was so excited to come home and resume his life--truly, there are no words for how painful it is. My heart aches for his family, friends and Angel, who have all lost such an amazing man. Hell, we've ALL lost him. Some of us just don't know it yet.

As an Angel, it's getting pretty damn hard to "keep our helmets on," as we say. How do I continue to support my troops when I'm feeling so broken and empty inside myself? I feel like I'M running out of steam. And yet they need us, now more than ever.

My first thought, of course, is, "Bring them the f*#& home!! How many more have to be killed over there?" But then, just today, on the Angel board, another one of our soldiers posted about how much he believes in what they're doing over there and how much of a difference they're making. So hell, if HE believes in the mission, than who am I to say it's wrong?

I don't know anymore, guys. I honestly can't even tell you how I feel about this war. I don't even KNOW if I support it or not. I've moved from one end of the spectrum to the other and now...I don't know. I want Thomas home. I want them ALL home. And I pray, all the time, for the families and friends who, almost every day, receive the devastating news that their loved one isn't coming home.

I'm sorry so much of my focus has been on the war lately. No, actually, I'm not. "Sorry" isn't the right word. I know it's not much fun to read these posts. But like it or not, this is what's going on over there, and I owe it to every single person, both those who have lost their lives and those who are still fighting, not to close my eyes or stick my head in the sand. Like it or not, it's real.