Sunday, September 06, 2009

I'm sorry but...

I just have to vent one more time, because I'm feeling pretty down today. Still no word from Shawn, so I can only assume that he's totally gone. (Yes, I sent him an email telling him that at this point, the best thing he could do for me was just to stay gone, rather than continuing to mess with my head, but you also know that that wouldn't stop him if he really gave a shit.)

I think it's just hard for me because of the crazy aspect. He was one of the very few who saw the crazy and still loved me. And now, clearly, he doesn't. So once again, I've lost someone else because I'm all messed up. That means that the only person left who has seen me in an episode and is still around is a friend named Mike, one of the very first people I met down here. That's all. So I am clearly quite unloveable, I guess.

And no, nothing major happened the last time I saw Shawn. I was a bit "off", but it was really more of a bad case of PMS than a bipolar episode; hardly anything at all, especially for me. ;) But I don't know, I guess maybe he was just sick of dealing with someone who could BE more emotional than your average chick. I don't know. It's just hard to realize that, yeah, this disease or condition or whatever you want to call it will make it significantly more difficult for me to find someone who will love me unconditionally, who will see through it for the "real Jen," as opposed to the other Jen who is kind of lurking, waiting for the chance to come out and play. (Why do I suddenly feel like Chucky now? LOL)

I truly don't mean to whine and feel sorry for myself. That's honestly not what this is about. Because really, I had come to almost accept the bipolar and even appreciate that it made me ME; that it brought a lot of unique and funny and interesting aspects to my personality, as well. But now, suddenly, I feel like I have to go back into hiding with it, that I have to keep the veil up, the wall, the curtain, especially around any new people who may come into my life, since there's no way they'd love me (or continue to love me) once they saw the crazy, because let's face it, no one else really has. I thought otherwise for a while, and that made me feel really good, and that's ALSO why I was so loyal to and supportive of him--because he was the same to me, in a way that almost no one else in my life had ever been.

But apparently, the crazy is only cute for, oh, a couple of years.

Duly noted.


Renee said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. But I really need to say something. It's not that YOU'RE unloveable. It's that he's a dick. Which is what we've all been trying to tell you, pretty much from day one.

I don't think it has ANYTHING AT ALL to do with the "crazy aspect". I think he just has no clue what he really wants, yet he's gonna take, take, take and throw away til he finds whatever it is he's looking for. Getting kneecapped would be MY suggestion, because while I'm sure that's not what he's looking for, it'd sure as hell be good for him. Fucker. Look what he's DOING to you! You haven't been together in HOW long and he still has this much control over you. And you know he thrives off that knowledge. He knows he'll be able to reappear some time down the road and you'll give him just ONE MORE chance. GRRRRRRR, he pisses me off.

Again, I'm sorry you're feeling shitty. But I really don't think it's about YOU. Honestly. You're extremely loveable. You just suck at picking men, that's all :-)

Kishelle said...

I just want to DITTO what Renee said. I dont think this has ANYTHING at all to do with you. I think this is ALL about him and what he has going on right now. Sending hugs your way hon!

anna said...

Ditto what they said!

You've got to know that you are Extremely Lovable - we've all been doing it for years and will continue to do so forever!

I'm sorry it's hard and hope that it feels better soon. Love you!