Monday, August 31, 2009

I know you don't care but...

Okay this is a venting post; in fact, I'll probably turn comments off cuz I know you guys will have nothing nice to say about it. BUT, I'm a slow learner, so consider this just me continuting on my journey...

Shawn and I, even though I don't talk about him on here that much anymore (since I don't want to be lynched), have carried on our friendship this whole time. We'd hang out once a week, usually drinks or something, and things were cool. Yeah, he still had his girlfriend, and YEAH, technically, I MAY still have had feelings for him, but we were still FRIENDS, you know? And say what you want, but he would still be there for me when I needed him, or when I was a bit on the crazy side, because he was one of the few who saw that and was STILL THERE. And as we know, that's hard to find. (Sure, Dave eventually came back, but by then I couldn't trust HIM because he left when I needed him, unlike Shawn, who, although he couldn't keep it in his pants, was there for me in a lot of other ways. He saw my crazy and handled it and, in his way, kept me sane...when he wasn't driving me crazy.)

But there were times when he WOULDN'T be there, or I'd catch him in a lie, but that's okay, because no one is perfect, and he accepted me the way I was and I accepted him.

...And then suddenly, he stopped calling me back. I haven't talked to him in like 10 days. No big deal, right? But for us, it WAS. We never ever ever go that long. Ten days for us is a sign that something is a'brewin'.

LOL. A'brewin.

So...yeah. It's like suddenly, he dropped out of my life. My BFF is gone. And I have no idea why or what I did. And I'll be damned if I tell him, because I tried to contact him, left him a couple of VMs and a text or two, and that's all I can do; it's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me...but shit. WTF?? He didn't even call to see how my first day of school was. That HURT. For that matter, he didn't even call to see how my first WEEK was. It's like he just doesn't care anymore. And I know some of you are saying "He never cared in the first damn place, ass hat," but he did. In his own way, he did.

Or ...maybe he didn't, and that's what I'm seeing now.

Because even after the relationship, we had a friendship. He knew me. And for him to totally disappear for this long is WEIRD for him. For us. So I guess I did something, and I don't know what. And I won't chase after him, because unlike Ye Old Jen, I actually have pride now. And dignity. And if someone cares about me, they'll be in my life. I won't keep calling and texting him with no response. He's made it clear that he doesn't care about what's happening with me. But it just hurts, I guess. Because I've defended him and defended him, against you guys and everyone here, and, what? Now he proves them right? THAT PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE BY PROVING THEM RIGHT, HE HAS PROVED ME WRONG, AND I HATE TO BE WRONG. LOL.

So...yeah. I miss Shawn. But he obviously doesn't miss me or have a place for me in his life, so...what am I supposed to do? That little fucktard knows I'm always there for him, and all I can do is....hell. Nothing. I can do NOTHING. Is this what it's like to have pride and dignity? Cuz frankly, it kind of sucks. LOL. Even now, I want to call him and try to figure out what's up, because this is NOT like him, but...he won't call or email or text and I must have done something, so...whatever. I have my friends and my work and I'm happy. But I still miss him. Any time he's not in my life, I miss him.

That's all. Thanks for listening, even if you're flipping off your monitors right now. ;)