Broken Road

2009-10-29T20:56:00.011-04:00

My birthday week

Somehow, the revelry has expanded this year from a mere day to an entire week-long celebration. It started on Monday, when Mom had flowers delivered to me at work. (Note: they were SUPPOSED to be delivered today; however, the florist made a mistake. It was actually pretty cool, though, because that made them totally unexpected. Plus, I was doing trainings at other schools today, so I wouldn't have been there to get them anyway. See? It all worked out.) Because of that, though, most of the school thought my birthday was Monday, so I received birthday wishes from the staff all day. It was fun. =-)

Tuesday, I went out after school with some friends from work.

Wednesday was the last day of school this week for the kids, so that was my day to celebrate with them. They brought me cards, and I was surprised mid-day with this delivery, courtesy of my class:

The parent who "sponsored" this cake swore up and down that the name on the cake was an innocent error on the bakery's end. I'm not so sure. ;)

Oh yeah, and I went out after work again on Wednesday, too.

And we maybe went out today, as well.

Tomorrow, though, is the highlight of Birthday Week. We have tomorrow off, so we're meeting at the bar. At noon. To do shots.

Because we can.

And then we're going to walk next door to the movie theater to see Paranormal Activity.

I am SO EXCITED.

Anyway, that's the story of my 33rd.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. And so begins the last year of my "early" 30s....

2009-10-25T23:11:00.010-04:00

Halloween 2009

Tonight, we carved our pumpkin AND roasted seeds. We used cayenne pepper and seasoned salt for the seeds and OH. EM. GEE they turned out sooooo good. And our pumpkin? We got fancy and used one of those patterns (rather than just carving the traditional face), and not counting a mishap that required some crazy glue (and the ultimate "blonde moment"--which is funny 'cuz April is a brunette and hell, MY natural color isn't even blonde anymore), we think it turned out pretty damn good. We had to take this photo at a particular angle so the flame inside didn't cause a "flash" in the picture, but you can still get the overall effect.

This close-up allows you to see the intricate detailing of the bottom bat. I know, you're jealous. As well you should be.

2009-10-22T19:17:00.002-04:00

GREAT F'IN DAY

Two amazing things happened today. (The day wasn't ALL sunshine and roses, mind you; at one point, I had to yell loud enough in the cafeteria that I actually peed a little. But it was end-capped in different but yet equally spectacular fashions.)

First: this morning, a very cryptic email was waiting for us from our current "principal" (and I use the term loosely), talking about evaluating the situation and adjusting staffing to better meet the current needs. We knew something was afoot, and once the team leads came out of the morning meeting, we had more information: basically, our principal of curriculum, who we love and was Mrs. A's right-hand woman last year, will be taking over of the day-to-day running of our school. Our principal is still technically our principal, but basically in name only. (They didn't come out and say that, but that's what it boils down to.) Frankly, I think this is our company's first step is phasing her out.

HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! After my last post, you may have noticed that I was feeling a bit down about how things were being run under new leadership. Well, for all intents and purposes, she's now gone. It's like a huge weight was lifted; already, you can sense a change in the building. It's FABULOUS.

And then, to cap off this day: I won $100 on a $5 scratch-off lottery ticket!! I can count on both hands the number of times I've bothered to even stop and by those things. Still, April was buying one, so I thought sure, why not. I even went back through the check-out lane to buy a pack of gum so I could get cash back for the tickets. The one I got (I forgot what it was called) has 4 lucky numbers at the top and then 12 squares on the bottom. If a number in one of the squares matches one of your lucky numbers, you win the amount in that square. Well, the first or second box that I scratched off matched, and I won $10. And hell, I was excited enough THEN. I was jumping around and everyone in line was laughing at me. Then I scratched off the next box...and the next box...and the next one. When all was said and done, 10 out of the 12 boxes matched one of my 4 numbers (each at $10 a pop). By the bottom of the card, we were just giddy. It was so funny. After the fifth one, I was like, "I MUST be reading this game wrong. There must be more to it than this" (you know, like maybe a whole row has to be the same number or something). I gave it to the guy (who, of course, had been cheering with us the whole time) and said, "Please just scan this for me. Tell me if I did this right." And he was like, "Yup. You just won $100."

(I split it with April, since we each bought 2 $5 tickets and were kind of doing it together. I know, I'm awesome.)

So yeah...a pretty damn good start AND finish to the day.

2009-10-19T19:43:00.003-04:00

Blah

I'm here, just crazy busy (thanks for the update, Renee. LOL). Very tired lately. Will be emotionally limping through the next month till Thanksgiving break, and then it will be the final countdown till Christmas break! Yes, I'm already living for Christmas break. Ha ha. I don't know what my deal is, just still don't feel right and am exhausted. May go back to the doctor but frankly, I'm also sleeping like crap and staying up too late so I suspect that's more my problem. I need to get on a much better sleep schedule first and then see how I feel. Everything is fine, just busy.

The leadership thing was cool. In theory, it will open up doors, especially down the road if I do ever decide to leave the classroom. But there are other leadership roles I could take on and still remain a teacher, including going back to team lead; there's another position or two (which would probably require me switching to a different school, but we'll see). Lots of school drama going on, namely due to incredibly poor leadership. I miss Sara a LOT. We're all hoping we outlast our new principal (which, at this rate, is entirely possible. I think she's digging her own grave). It's like Educational Survivor....outlast, outwit, outplay. Or something like that. It's just a huge culture shock going from someone like Mrs A to the new one. Morale is lower than I've ever seen it. That may be contributing to my overall feeling of "tiredness," too--we're working so hard and not only are we NOT being encouraged or supported, but it feels like we're being pushed (kicked) back down every time we turn around.

I just feel...rather disillusioned right now, I guess. Still love my kids and my coworkers (most of them). But it's amazing the impact one person can have on a whole building (and not in a good way).

Weather is changing and I am definitely, DEFINITELY a Florida pu$$y now. It gets worse ever year. The lower 70s IS, in fact, downright chilly. I know, I know. You all hate me right now. But your blood really does change. It's not my fault. =-)

2009-10-13T19:57:00.002-04:00

This should be good....

There's a new state reading assessment program that all grades must administer to their students....grades 3-12 have it (relatively) easy, as it's a computer-driven test that the students all due online. However, for the younger grades, the teachers must administer it one-on-one to each and every student (and this is NOT a short test). To make a long story short, the deadline in which to finish the testing is fast approaching and some of our 1-2 grade teachers are falling behind. Therefore, they're looking for 3-8 grade teachers to go into those classrooms on their planning (ie free time) and sub for the classroom teachers so they can devote themselves solely to giving this test.

I volunteered to help out; as a result, I will be teaching 2nd grade for about 50 minutes tomorrow.

There's a reason I teach the slightly older grades. Still, for a short period of time, it should be fun. Plus, that's the reading block, and teaching reading is basically the same from grade to grade (as far as reading and comprehension strategies go, anyway). Guess which story the second graders are reading right now? COURDEROY! Yup, the little bear with the missing eye or button or something. And since this will be their 2nd time through the story by the time I get in there tomorrow, I'll be able to use my favorite teaching strategy * on them, so we'll have fun.

*Teaching strategy: play dumb and let them "teach" you. I do it with my kids all the time. Tomorrow, it will go something like this. "Okay, I haven't read this in a while. Who can summarize for me what this story is about?" Or, on a specific page: "Wait a minute, I'm old and confused. What just happened on this page? Who can tell me?" Or, "Hold on. Why did he do THAT?" Then, if I run out of time, I'll have them write a story about what would happen if one of THEIR stuffed animals came to life. Oh yeah. Pulled that one out of my ass on the way home as I was wondering what the heck to do tomorrow, and I'm pretty proud of it, if I do say so myself. PLUS, I'm a teacher for one of the big kids, so I get to go in all mean and scary (unless the sweet and always-patient teachers in the younger grades) so I won't have any discipline issues. (...Having said THAT, they will probably eat me alive, LOL.)

It's only 50 minutes. How bad could it be? **

**This, my friends, is what's known as "famous last words."

2009-10-10T00:26:00.002-04:00

Sit down. It's finally happened.

An old friend of mine from high school just became a grandmother.

I'll let that sink in for a moment. Continue reading when you're ready....

.....

....

....

(Still not ready? Yeah, me neither.)

....

Granted, it's her step-son's girlfriend...and her husband may be much older for all I know...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!??!?!

Usually, I censor the "fuck," but in this case, it simply must stay.

And be repeated.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

2009-10-07T18:47:00.004-04:00

Another dream

This particular dream, although (as always) very vivid and detailed, actually requires a LOT of set-up and backstory; plus, it was also long, so it would take forever to even describe/explain. Instead, I will leave you with the major components of my dream, along with the interpretations (which are, again as always, quite fitting). I should note, though, that a couple other integral parts of the dream, such as "tetanus" and "professional athlete" (not even a real athlete, mind you, although my pro baller WAS a member of the Pistons) were un-look-up-able. It'll be up to you to try to come up with a scenario into which all of these diffferent parts could conceivably fit. ;)

Nails: To see nails in your dream, symbolizes long and hard work for little compensation and pay. To dream that you hurt yourself with a nail, suggests that you need to be careful with what you say.

Jealousy: To dream that you are jealous of another person, signifies that such feelings may be carried over from your waking life This dream may reveal you unconscious feelings of jealousy toward that particular person. Alternatively, it represents your vulnerability and your fear of intimacy. You need to work on self-love and acknowledging your self-worth.

Rabies: To dream that an animal with rabies bites you, indicates that you are harboring extreme inner feelings of anger and unexpressed hostility. Your anger might erupt in violence if not expressed in a controlled manner.

Dog: If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself.

2009-10-06T21:03:00.003-04:00

Whose Big Gay Line is it Anyway?

Kevin (Renee's cousin) posted this on his Facebook, and it's exactly what I needed after a 13 1/2 hour day at school (Curriculum Night). It's a clip from Whose Line is it Anyway, featuring Richard Simmons and a very traumatized Wayne Brady. (Richard's A-OK sign right around 5:12 just makes the whole scene.)

Enjoy.

(If you don't have sound, this is worth going out and buying speakers for.)

2009-10-04T16:04:00.004-04:00

Fertility Dance

You may have seen the commercials for those at-home fertility tests ("Did I wait too long to become pregnant?"). Well, I did, too. The first time, I just heard the commercial from the kitchen and marveled at how far technology has come. That will be a good thing to have, I thought, some day in the future.

The second time, I actually SAW it--and realized that the woman in the commercial WAS MY DAMN AGE.

Mind you, I don't even know if I WANT to have any more of my own kids at this point. But I'm single, not dating anyone seriously and staring down the barrel of my 33rd birthday. So yes, I bought one.

I can hardly be blamed.

Anyway, as of right now, I am pleased to announce that I can still get knocked up. (This test doesn't detect all fetility issues, of course; just egg quality/quantity.) It all has to do with the "test line" that may or may not appear in the little window. This test measures your FSH, or follicle (as in egg) stimulating hormone--and basically, if your body has a lot of this hormone, that's actually bad, because your body needs a lot of extra help to produce the eggs and stuff. In a perfect world, the line won't appear at all, because your egg factory is churnin' along perfectly well, merrily releasing eggs left and right, without needing any extra push. However (and this is the category that I fell into), if the line shows up but it's lighter than the control line, you're still okay....for now. (Cue the ominous background music and flip over the hourglass.) It's only when the test line is as dark as or darker than the control line that they recommend you see a doctor, pronto.

I feel a new birthday tradition coming on... ;)

2009-10-01T22:18:00.002-04:00

2 good things

I found out today that I *am* receiving an extra bonus based on last year's performance. It's known as MAP money (Merit something Pay), and the criteria are your final year-end evaluation from your principal and, of course, those all-important student FCAT test scores. This is actually the first time I've received the money, so I'm pretty excited. I'm not sure exactly how much yet but it'll be around a couple grand. Our new principal came in during math today and handed me the official award letter; after she left, I did a little happy dance. When the kids asked what the letter said, I told them, "Let's just say that Miss K can go get her guitar now!!" and they all cheered (that's all I told them).

Now of course, there are teachers who didn't receive the bonus (including my roommate, which really surprised me), so this is kind of a tense kind of year. The people who do receive it are told to be courteous and aware of those who didn't, of course (basically, keep it on the downlow), but of course word is already getting out and there are some pretty pissed off people out there right now.

I feel for them--but damn am I excited to have finally qualified this year!

Second, I had to give a training to the staff yesterday (it was on that DI stuff from Orlando over the summer). I think my presentation actually went well, too. I had many people come up to me yesterday and say that they actually learned stuff and that it wasn't boring like the regular staff meetings. One teacher actually told me, "I only graded one paper, and then I stopped and actually paid attention." If you know anything about teacher professional development trainings--which are generally 1) bullshit 2) boring and 3) nothing you haven't already heard before, then you know that this is very high praise indeed. A lot of people commented on my sense of humor and the fact that I made them laugh. Anyway, I'm very proud of that, too, because as I said, these things usually suck, and they're genreally total and complete wastes of time, so if even a FEW people learned something new and/or weren't totally bored out of their skulls, then I feel pretty successful. (Plus, our new principal was there, whom I've had very little interaction with, so I'm glad to have had a POSITIVE reason to help her put a face to the name.)

I'm taking a very important test tomorrow, but more on that later....

2009-09-30T20:45:00.003-04:00

Random scenes from my day

1) Math class: we were working on some tricky problems, and one of the things I threw out was seeing which students were "untrickable." One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I jumped on my computer and designed a superhero-like "U" that I posted on the wall. Now my students love ripping off their imaginary shirts to reveal their superhero "U"s when they get a problem right and prove themselves to be "untrickable." It's a little thing, but they love it. It's funny how you can teach the same grade, and same material, 3 years in a row, and you still come up with random new shit evey day. You never know what's going to hook the kids...but I'll take it.

2) During a bathroom break, a kid fell down. Standing in line. Waiting for the other kids to finish. This is not a show-boating, attention-grabbing student, either. This is not a "goofy" kid. This is one of my straight A, model 5th graders. For whatever reason, she just lost her balance and fell down. I found it hysterical and laughed for like 5 minutes. (Is that bad? Don't judge me. You weren't there. It was funny as hell. I made sure she was all right first, of course.) I mean, I'll watch her for future signs of an inner ear infection or some other medical condition...but assuming it was just a one time act of klutziness, it was entertaining as all get-out.

3) In the morning, during science, one of my kids remarked, "You know, Miss K, you aren't nearly as mean as I thought you were going to be. You looked really scary in the hallway when I was in 4th grade, but you're actually pretty funny. I mean, you know, for an old person."

4) (After hearing my story about my new hobby of guitar-ing:) "That's really cool! I think you'll be good at it. No offense, but you don't sing that great...but I'm sure you can probably still play a guitar." (Pause) "Maybe."

I love my job.

2009-09-28T17:18:00.009-04:00

My new "violin"

(The extended story of my FB post)

As you know, I've been talking about taking violin lessons for the last month or so. As I said, I just really feel like a new hobby that will keep me busy and give me something positive to focus on. So today, I finally went to the music store in town to rent my new violin and sign up for lessons.

We (April went with me; she didn't want to miss this) went in and I introduced myself to Dave, the music guru. I told him I was interested in the violin but, as we were talking, I was kind of wandering around the store, looking at everything else. We kind of talked about the pros and cons of everything from violin to drums to the sax.

And THEN we started talking about my personality and personal tastes. He asked if I liked classical music (I listen to it OCCASIONALLY and I play it sometimes while the kids are working, but I don't tune in regularly or anything) or fiddling (um, no, unless it's The Devil Went Down to Georgia). He quizzically asked why, then I wanted to play the violin. "I dunno," I said. "I used to play it in fifth grade...and I want to start music lessons, so that seemed like a good place to start."

"What kind of music DO you listen to?" he asked. "You know, when you're just out driving around."

"80s stuff," I answered immediately. "Rock. Classic rock. Stuff like that. I love me some Bon Jovi."

"...And you don't want to play the guitar WHY?" he answered.

And seriously, that had never occured to me. Never mind the fact that they were hanging ALL OVER THE WALLS and that my dad has played, like, forever.

He took me over to one of the walls and said "Is there one that's catching--"

"That blue one," I told him. (It's SWEET.) I'd already started bouncing around giddily. Seriously, as soon as he mentioned the guitar it just FELT right. My face totally lit up like a little kid on Christmas.

"Well, we have to make sure it fits you," he said, sitting me down. "Don't get your heart set on this particular one yet. It depends on your arm length and--okay yeah, actually, this one is a perfect fit."

My new guitar, as modeled by April. (Now I just need a cool name for it, like BB King and Lucille. Post any suggestions you may have.)

And I knew: not only was the guitar right for me, THIS guitar was right for me. This was MY guitar.

Now the only problem is that--of COURSE--there are no monthly rental plans for guitars; you have to buy those outright. HOWEVER, we have a bonus coming up in October (hopefully, if I qualified for that one) or November (definitely; all returning teachers are receiving this one), and this guitar will only be a small portion of that. So I put it on 60-day layaway (only a $40 deposit, I don't have to make any more payments, and that bitch is now officially MINE). I bought 2 guitar picks and the strap to tide me over.

I AM SO EXCITED.

So...yeah. As par for the course with Jen, I went in for a violin and walked out (metaphorically speaking) with a guitar.

And I couldn't be happier.

Side note: Build a Bear never called me back (WTF? I know they loved me) but I'm putting in an application at Total Wine tomorrow (which, let's face it, is the second most perfect place for me to work, LOL).

2009-09-27T21:31:00.002-04:00

Operation: Tripoli

Girls' Weekenders (and Missy) will appreciate this.

On Friday, when my friends were over, I went to pull out The Best Game Ever (aka Tripoli)--and realized I had left it behind at my old place. In the month since I've moved, there have been a few times when I've remembered that I'd forgotten something, but I didn't care enough to make a trip back there and sneak back in for whatever it was. But this...this was different. This was TRIPOLI. So tonight, I staged a daring, middle-of-the-night (okay, it was 9 pm) rescue of my beloved game. I figured it was well worth another journey to the land of no power, lights or air. (While I was there, I found my curling iron, too, which I was ALSO looking for the other night. And I grabbed a pack of light bulbs, as well, just because they were there and so was I.)

From the looks of things, Brad still hasn't been back...I have no idea if he's planning on returning before the foreclosure officially takes place (whenever that may be), but he still has a couple of TVs there, plus a pretty sweet metal-and-class TV stand thing in his room. I'm not taking them yet because they're his and I don't want to burgle the guy (LOL. I said "burgle") but at the same time, if he's planning on just cutting his losses at this point, it'd be silly NOT to take them. So I'll probably go back once a month or so and see if he returns.

But for now, you can all breathe a sigh of relief. Tripoli is safe.

2009-09-26T01:27:00.007-04:00

My friends are the shit

They are also booze hounds.

(You can't tell, but there are rows of beer bottles on the counter behind THOSE beer bottles. This will help but it's still missing like a whole nother dimension.)

We went through like 5 bags of chips, a couple of veggie and fruit trays and some cocktail weinies....

A good time was had by all.

(Yes, my man friend was there. Too soon to tell how it went, since all involved were intoxicated. We'll see.)

PS--One (or many) of them thought it was hysterical to turn my cell phone to "French" every time I wasn't looking/paying attention (which, let's face it, was quite a bit). They're assholes but honestly, it was pretty damn funny).

2009-09-23T19:48:00.003-04:00

Random stuff

I had MY site visit yesterday (when someone from the company, whether it's an admin at another school, a fellow teacher from a sister school, someone from corporate, etc comes in and evaluates me); it went well but at this point, it's mostly because I'm ON the site visit team, so I know what they're looking for and I can deliver. (No, Nee, that doesn't mean BJs. LOL.)

Tomorrow, I'm GOING on a site visit (and it's at Mrs A's new school, so I'm mostly just glad to be able to see her again). I might be a bitch but I love walking into a teacher's classroom all poker-faced and seeing them go all nervous, LOL. If only they knew I was pulling this shit out of my ass myself.... but anyway, it's good face-time with people higher up in the company so whatev.

And then when I'm done, it's OFFICIALLY the start of a 4-day weekend. We have Friday off AND Monday....holla! It sounds as though some people will be hanging out here at random points during the weekend, so I'll be busy. I should, however, be able to schedule some pool time as well. ;)

Good times, my friends. Good times.

Oh--and did I tell you that I'm going to take violin lessons again? I worked out a deal with the music teacher at our school (again, no BJs), so I get to learn at an incredibly cheap rate. Plus, I'm trying to channel some shit I'm working through into a POSITIVE activity. I AM SO EXCITED. I'm getting my violin this weekend. (It's like $15 a month. Totally worth it....but we'll see how long this whole kick lasts, LOL. Either I'll be bored in a week or I'll go on to become a violin prodigy....there's really no halfway point with me).

2009-09-21T22:43:00.004-04:00

The age-old question

Okay, maybe it's not THE age-old question--we're not talking the chicken and the egg here--however, it's a question that has been debated through the years and will continue to be argued about for years to come:

If you know someone is cheating on a spouse, do you tell that person? If you are friends with them both, what do you do?

In short, here's the situation: they are both friends of mine, and the husband has told the wife that things are "pretty much" over. However, per the battle of the sexes, the wife was still holding out hope that things could be worked out--whilethe husband, in his own head, thought he had been perfectly CLEAR that he was done.

And I knew for a fact that he had been stepping out with his new "girlfriend" this weekend.

It would devastate his wife, my friend, to know this, but here's the thing: if she didnt find out from me, she WOULD have found out, because let's just say that there were a LOT of our social group out when he decided to do "fraternize" in public with the new girl on Friday, and he was, clearly, cold busted. And frankly, teachers gossip (me included), and she was going to hear about it. So do I tell her, as the person who is closest to her out of the group? Or do I stay quiet and let her hear about it otherwise, and then be there to pick up the pieces?

I chose the first option. I know that there are people out there who may disagree with me but--this girl has been there for me through all of MY drama--which does not even come close to equaling the end of a MARRIAGE and I fucking get that--but trust me, she was going to hear about it, and I decided I wanted her to hear it from me.

And it was ugly, and it sucked, and I can't even talk about it....other than to say that I cant even imagine getting married. EVER. Because if I thought that ending a regular relationship was bad....have you ever been there when someone really, truly realizes that her marriage is over? It's gut wrenching.

My heart is broken right now, and I just pray, literally PRAY, that I did the right thing. She assured me that I did, but....fuck.

I hurt for her. More than I can say. I can only be there for her....and it may not even help that much because, shit, her life is going to suck for a WHILE. But I hope that I can help, even a little. And I hope that I did the right thing. And....fuck. Just say a prayer for my friend, who is hurting. And pray that I am the best friend to her that I can be...whatever that may entail because fuck if *I* know right now.

2009-09-15T23:12:00.002-04:00

More good news

I've been noticing lately that whenever I start to feel too sorry for myself, some good news also comes my way. The latest is that I've been officially nominated for the leadership program within our company (not our SCHOOL, but the whole company). I know Sara was going to nominate me before she left, and she very well may have put a good word in for me, but the official nominations happened after she left, so I feel kind of good about that.

Anyway, to bitch and moan some more (LOL), this is the kind of thing that I know some ex-friends would have been pretty proud of, but guess what? YOU guys will be proud of me, and YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, NO MATTER WHAT. So you all win. ;) (But seriously, this is the kind of shit I miss telling him about. GOD, it's harder now to be away from him than it was at first, you know? Like with quitting smoking...I can quit the first 4 days, even 7 days, at first....it's the long term that's a bitch.)

So...I have to officially apply, including writing an essay. We'll see what happens. I don't know if it's a super competitive process at this point or if, once you're nominated, you're pretty much in unless you show that you're a total asshole...but we'll see. I'll let you know.

Oh--and one of my friends' marriages is falling apart and I'm friends with them both. Just some added drama for ya. ;)

2009-09-14T17:56:00.003-04:00

Behind the scenes

In case you've ever found yourself wondering what goes on at my tri-monthly psychiatric appointments (and really, who among you HASN'T?), I'm going to pull back the curtain a little bit. Why this particular one? Because afterwards, she announced that I was very well-adjusted, all things considered, and was also very "realistic" about my condition. (PS--I often try to get her to crack a smile, since she's always so serious and straight-faced.)

At the beginning of every appointment, I sit down and give her a 2-5 minute recap of the last 3 months--how *I* feel I'm doing, how things have been going, etc. She takes notes not just on what I say but on how I'm acting--she's looking, as I told Mom, for "signs of the crazy."

Here was the summary she received today (and most of it is word for word):

"Overall, I'm okay. I'd say a 7 out of 10. I'm not PERFECT, but you know what, these aren't magic pills. When someone makes me mad, I'm still going to get angry, and if I'm going through, say, relationship issues, I'm still going to be sad. Overall, I feel pretty much in control, which hasn't been easy, that's for damn sure. [Here, I give a quick run-down on the Brad situation. For Shawn, I just say, "...and I still have leftover drama with the ex." I think even SHE must be tired of hearing about it and she gets PAID for it.] So yeah, all things considered, I guess I'm doing okay. I'm feeling a little down and my friends say that I've been a little more withdrawn lately, but I think most of what I'm dealing with isn't the bipolar, it's because men are assholes....and I don't think there's a pill for THAT."

(This last part is where she did her cough-laugh behind her fist and kind of raised my file in front of her face.)

Anyway, she said she's a bit concerned that I'm still reporting feeling "down" because I was back in June, as well, although she acknowledged that I certainly have "extenuating circumstances" that could be causing that. If I'm not feeling a bit more peppy by my next appointment in December, though, she said we may need to stop and reevaluate my meds.

So...yeah. As far as bipolars go, I'm actually pretty normal and stable. And that's something I definitely needed to hear right now.

PS--as I was checking out with her receptionist, a young, just-out-of-college new girl, I had to set up the date for my next appointment. She suggested December 14, and I told her that I was pretty sure I'd still be in town but that I was leaving around that time for Christmas break. As she was typing into the computer, I stood there and, muttering to myself kind of under my breath, tried to calculate exactly when we'd be getting out of school and when I'd be flying out. "Let's see...Christmas is the 25th...that means we're probably getting out the week before that...so that's like, what, the weekend of the 19th or so..." She looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Nope, just talkin' to myself," I said cheerfully. Hey, she's working for a psychiatrist now. What's she expect? ;)

2009-09-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

This about says it all

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

2009-09-10T20:45:00.002-04:00

Speechless (but not type-less)

So I received an email from Brad today. At first I thought that he had returned to the old place and discovered that I had "taken" some items, but oh no. He still has no clue. He ALSO clearly has no clue that the power was disconnected due to nonpayment, as he asked when I was sending a check for the dressers and bookcase I was going to buy, plus the last $75 or so for the rest of the utilities for the month.

YES, MY FRIENDS, HE WAS ASKING FOR ****MORE**** MONEY.

Talk about crazy. I paced the apartment with my hands clenched at my sides, ready to literally punch someone, for half an hour. I also felt the "crazy eyes" (they're hard to explain, but they get really big and wild and almost glazed) coming on. I was LIVID. It took me almost two hours, with assistance from April and feedback from Mom, but I was finally able to craft a MORE-than-civil email to him.

Here's what it said. Tell me what you think:

"Hello Brad:

I tried to get a hold of you a couple of weeks ago, but as you mentioned, your phone was turned off.

A week before I moved, I came home and discovered that our (my) power had been disconnected. I was obviously surprised, since I had been giving you enough for the utilities and then some. The amount to get the power turned back on was $300--this was not the full amount due, mind you, just the amount to get it reconnected. If that amount wasn't paid within a few days, the TOTAL amount would have to be paid (this full amount was quite a bit, I believe close to $500?)

Anyway, I had to leave to stay with a friend for that last week, and then I had to pack (and move) with no lights and no air conditioning, which as you can imagine, sucked. Since you didn't pay the electric bill with the money I gave you expressly for that purpose, I figured that that was instead meant to go towards the dressers and book case. That accounted for $100 of the past-due $300. I also took the love seat that I had expressed interest in, for which I paid you $200 (to equal the $300 that did not go to the electric company). I feel that this is more than generous, as you/we owed MORE than $300 to FPL alone, per the statement that was tacked onto the front door.

Let me know if you have any questions. Im sorry to end things on rather negative terms, since I really did enjoy living with you the past couple of years. But frankly, I feel a little betrayed that the money I was giving to you specifically for utilities was obviously not being put to that use.

Thank you.

Jen"

2009-09-10T19:07:00.003-04:00

Traumatized

For once, I'm not talking about me ;), but my students. Well, some of them. A group of my current class was in a class last year who lost their teacher about halfway through the year. I didn't realize the effect that had had on them until today.

I'm doing a site visit later this month, so I told my kids that they were going to have a sub in a couple of weeks (I've learned that it's better to prepare them for it, rather than for them to just walk in to a strange face one day, ESPECIALLY the first time of the school year...and ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY when I've bonded with the class the way I have this year. Seriously, guys, they are just amazing). I didn't go into a lot of detail, I just told them that I'd be gone doing "teacher stuff," and that I'd be back the next day. Well, this particular group of kids flipped out.

"Are you coming back?!" they asked.

I told them that of course I was, that it was only for a day.

"That's what Mrs. F said!!" they cried. "And then she left for good!"

"Yeah!" one boy (C., who's adorable and the class "heart throb") added. "She said that whether or not she stayed depended on how good we were, and we WERE good, or we thought we were, but she left, so we must have been BAD! And now you're leaving!!"

Seriously, I felt like divorced parents must feel when they're trying to reassure their kids that it has nothing to do with them. And furthermore, what FUCKED UP teacher tells the kids that if they're good, she'll stay as their teacher but if they're bad, she'll leave--and then actually LEAVES?

So all I told them today was, "Look. Those of you who are returning students know that I've been here for many years (if "4" qualifies as "many," LOL), I'm going to STAY here, I'm honestly just leaving for the day, and I promise I'm coming back....okay?"

Everyone said "okay," and went back to work...except for C., who sighed, muttered "Yeah, we've heard that before," and picked up his pencil.

And honestly, you guys, I LOVE this class. Like, I am seriously half in love with them already. And it kills me to see how vulnerable they are. We're going to have a class meeting tomorrow AM where I reassure them again that they're stuck with me for the year...but I can't believe that someone would tell a class of NINE YEAR OLDS that kind of shit.

And even though they really didn't like her that much, I can't believe how affected by it they still are, almost a full year later.

2009-09-06T19:43:00.008-04:00

Home f'in SWEET home

I try to balance all of my maudlin Shawn posts with a positive one; so in keeping with that theme...

Eight days post-move, we are ready to reveal the new place. We have a couple of little boxes left to go but we're mostly done. And I'm not kidding, yo, it looks awesome.

My favorite part of the new place by FAR are the high cathedral ceilings in the living room (picture 3). It makes the whole room look SO big. And like I said on FB: come Christmas, we're going to be rocking a Rockefeller-like tree up in her'.

2009-09-06T13:47:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry but...

I just have to vent one more time, because I'm feeling pretty down today. Still no word from Shawn, so I can only assume that he's totally gone. (Yes, I sent him an email telling him that at this point, the best thing he could do for me was just to stay gone, rather than continuing to mess with my head, but you also know that that wouldn't stop him if he really gave a shit.)

I think it's just hard for me because of the crazy aspect. He was one of the very few who saw the crazy and still loved me. And now, clearly, he doesn't. So once again, I've lost someone else because I'm all messed up. That means that the only person left who has seen me in an episode and is still around is a friend named Mike, one of the very first people I met down here. That's all. So I am clearly quite unloveable, I guess.

And no, nothing major happened the last time I saw Shawn. I was a bit "off", but it was really more of a bad case of PMS than a bipolar episode; hardly anything at all, especially for me. ;) But I don't know, I guess maybe he was just sick of dealing with someone who could BE more emotional than your average chick. I don't know. It's just hard to realize that, yeah, this disease or condition or whatever you want to call it will make it significantly more difficult for me to find someone who will love me unconditionally, who will see through it for the "real Jen," as opposed to the other Jen who is kind of lurking, waiting for the chance to come out and play. (Why do I suddenly feel like Chucky now? LOL)

I truly don't mean to whine and feel sorry for myself. That's honestly not what this is about. Because really, I had come to almost accept the bipolar and even appreciate that it made me ME; that it brought a lot of unique and funny and interesting aspects to my personality, as well. But now, suddenly, I feel like I have to go back into hiding with it, that I have to keep the veil up, the wall, the curtain, especially around any new people who may come into my life, since there's no way they'd love me (or continue to love me) once they saw the crazy, because let's face it, no one else really has. I thought otherwise for a while, and that made me feel really good, and that's ALSO why I was so loyal to and supportive of him--because he was the same to me, in a way that almost no one else in my life had ever been.

But apparently, the crazy is only cute for, oh, a couple of years.

Duly noted.

2009-08-31T20:26:00.002-04:00

Whoot!

I just checked my work email, and I found this:

Dear ------ (it was addressed to 6 of us at the school, that's all):

You have been invited to attend Site Visit Training: When: Wednesday, September 09, 2009 4:00 PM-6:00 PM (GMT-05:00) Eastern Time (US & Canada).

It's at Gateway, one of our schools in the area. (The training is, not the actual site visit. We'll see which one I get assigned to.)

So that's cool. I'm glad that even though I'm not a lead anymore, they're still choosing me for things like this. That means that I must have done well when I did it last year.

I hope it's at a school across the state, so I get a road trip out of it. =-)

Interestingly, J. (one of my friends from my first year here, B.C. (Before Crazy), was one of the 6. I kind of hope we go on a visit together, especially if it's far away. That would give us a chance to hang out, and for her to see that now that I'm medicated, I'm the Jen she USED to know, rather than the one she saw that night.

We'll see how it all shakes out. But even if it's local, I'm still excited...and honored. I kind of feel that Mrs. A had some role in all of this. ;)

2009-08-31T19:59:00.003-04:00

I know you don't care but...

Okay this is a venting post; in fact, I'll probably turn comments off cuz I know you guys will have nothing nice to say about it. BUT, I'm a slow learner, so consider this just me continuting on my journey...

Shawn and I, even though I don't talk about him on here that much anymore (since I don't want to be lynched), have carried on our friendship this whole time. We'd hang out once a week, usually drinks or something, and things were cool. Yeah, he still had his girlfriend, and YEAH, technically, I MAY still have had feelings for him, but we were still FRIENDS, you know? And say what you want, but he would still be there for me when I needed him, or when I was a bit on the crazy side, because he was one of the few who saw that and was STILL THERE. And as we know, that's hard to find. (Sure, Dave eventually came back, but by then I couldn't trust HIM because he left when I needed him, unlike Shawn, who, although he couldn't keep it in his pants, was there for me in a lot of other ways. He saw my crazy and handled it and, in his way, kept me sane...when he wasn't driving me crazy.)

But there were times when he WOULDN'T be there, or I'd catch him in a lie, but that's okay, because no one is perfect, and he accepted me the way I was and I accepted him.

...And then suddenly, he stopped calling me back. I haven't talked to him in like 10 days. No big deal, right? But for us, it WAS. We never ever ever go that long. Ten days for us is a sign that something is a'brewin'.

LOL. A'brewin.

So...yeah. It's like suddenly, he dropped out of my life. My BFF is gone. And I have no idea why or what I did. And I'll be damned if I tell him, because I tried to contact him, left him a couple of VMs and a text or two, and that's all I can do; it's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me...but shit. WTF?? He didn't even call to see how my first day of school was. That HURT. For that matter, he didn't even call to see how my first WEEK was. It's like he just doesn't care anymore. And I know some of you are saying "He never cared in the first damn place, ass hat," but he did. In his own way, he did.

Or ...maybe he didn't, and that's what I'm seeing now.

Because even after the relationship, we had a friendship. He knew me. And for him to totally disappear for this long is WEIRD for him. For us. So I guess I did something, and I don't know what. And I won't chase after him, because unlike Ye Old Jen, I actually have pride now. And dignity. And if someone cares about me, they'll be in my life. I won't keep calling and texting him with no response. He's made it clear that he doesn't care about what's happening with me. But it just hurts, I guess. Because I've defended him and defended him, against you guys and everyone here, and, what? Now he proves them right? THAT PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE BY PROVING THEM RIGHT, HE HAS PROVED ME WRONG, AND I HATE TO BE WRONG. LOL.

So...yeah. I miss Shawn. But he obviously doesn't miss me or have a place for me in his life, so...what am I supposed to do? That little fucktard knows I'm always there for him, and all I can do is....hell. Nothing. I can do NOTHING. Is this what it's like to have pride and dignity? Cuz frankly, it kind of sucks. LOL. Even now, I want to call him and try to figure out what's up, because this is NOT like him, but...he won't call or email or text and I must have done something, so...whatever. I have my friends and my work and I'm happy. But I still miss him. Any time he's not in my life, I miss him.

That's all. Thanks for listening, even if you're flipping off your monitors right now. ;)