Friday, September 28, 2007

Dating in your 30s

This started out as a reply to a comment; then I decided, the more I typed, that it was worthy of a separate post.

It's kind of funny, but I'm becoming almost PROUD of my childless ( know) and never-married status. Although I was feeling quite old-maid-ish in my late 20s, something happened as I hit this new decade....I wear it now as a badge of pride, rather than a "What the hell is wrong with HER? Why has no one married her yet?" type of thing. People like me are becoming increasingly rare in Dating Land, that's for sure. Instead of being divorced and on my 2nd go-around, I'm still waiting for the right guy. I'd rather be single till I'm 40 and find "the one" than to get married at 22 and divorced at 28, ya know?

(DISCLAIMER TO THE DATING GODS: that does not mean that I HOPE I'm single till I'm 40. Just so we're clear on that fact.)

Instead of becoming LESS picky and settling as I get older, I find myself becoming MORE picky about the men I date (and keep around). Shit. I've waited THIS long; I'm sure not going to settle now.

As many of you know, I have pretty low self-esteem. However, for all of my many, many flaws, I can recognize this truth about myself: I am an incredibly loving, compassionate person. When I love someone, I LOVE them--totally and completely. I do my absolute best to make them happy. Do I fuck up every now and then? Hell, yeah. But I still feel that what I have to offer outweighs those cons. Because like everyone else, I'm human. I can only do so much. And--OOH, EPIPHANY!!!--this is why I'm so forgiving of others' mistakes. This is why it's so hard for me to hold a grudge. This is why I still talk to the exes who treated me like crap or the people who have hurt me along the way....because I know what it's like to fuck up. ROYALLY. And I hope people will forgive ME and see the good that *I* still have to offer, in spite of it all. And that's what I do: even when someone's an ass to me, I still focus on the good--because that's exactly what I hope they'll do for me.

And you know what? If, along the way, someone CAN'T forgive me or stand by me--well, that's fine. I don't have to answer to them. But I do have to answer to ME. And no matter how badly they knock me down, I'll know that *I* always gave them the benefit of the doubt, I always loved THEM with an open heart, I always forgave THEM--even if it ended up biting me in the ass.

Everything happens for a reason, and God knows I saw my share of trials during my 20s (and even the first 9 months of my 30s) and learned my share of lessons. I have to believe that it's all leading up to/ preparing me for SOMETHING, ya know? It's like the name of this blog is truly coming to fruition:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you...
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

I'm still single as a motherf*cker--but at least now I can see the REASON for it...and be okay with it.


anna said...

Wow! There's a lot in this post!

That epiphany really makes sense of a lot of stuff for me. You forgive because you want to be forgiven. I get that. That's cool.

I'm really glad to hear that you're valuing your awesome-self more and getting more picking in your wise, old age ;) Truly, you deserve someone who will appreciate your love and give you back just as much.

Did you ever think that maybe this Broken Road led you to the real YOU? You're doing such amazing stuff lately!

Jen said...

Hmmm. I think I'm the right track, but I don't think I'm totally there yet.

However: new deep thought--if I'm only now, at 30, discovering the "real me," does that mean my life up till now has been...I don't know, a waste? LIke, for nothing? All that time--just gone?

anna said...

No, life up 'til now wasn't a waste. The preparation that goes into making something great is never a waste. It's all part of the process.

Renee said...

Sorry it's taken me so long to comment on all these posts... I've had HORRIBE PMS and just haven't felt like socializing and felt like everything that came out of my mouth was evil :-) I read all the posts, though, and thought good thoughts :-)

I'm really happy to hear how positive and confident you've become in your new decade! Getting more picky is SO good! As Anna said-- you deserve someone as wonderful as you are and it would be sad to settle for someone who sucks. Well, Anna put it more eloquently than I did, but I digress.

Your epiphany does make sense, and I like Anna's epiphany, too! I feel like you've really come into your own lately and are finally living your life for YOU. Love you, babe!