Tuesday, September 04, 2007

NOTE: OKAY, I put it back up.

One last point

In that same conversation, he said something about the fact that he "opened up his life" to me and that he doesn't do that very often. I think the main problem here is that he sees that night as something I did TO HIM, as in, "I opened my life to you and you repay me by lying to me and then acting that way." What I WISH and PRAY he'd understand is that this is NOT SOMETHING I DID TO HIM. Sure, he may have experienced the fallout, but during that whole episode, it was not me making a conscious choice to basically turn his life upside down and destroy the whole relationship. He's just the poor bastard who happened to be there. =-) Now I'm NOT saying that anything I do during these times is not my fault--which is why I went on the meds, to take responsibility and take the first step in getting it under control. But he needs to understand that I wasn't maliciously, purposely doing all that. In a way, JEN wasn't there. Was Hurricane Dean particularly pissed off at the Carribean? No. Do tornadoes have a REALLY big problem with Oklahoma and Kansas? Uh-uh. Those places just happened to get in the way of the destructive paths these disasters caused before they eventually ran out steam.

And that's the best way I can put it. =-)

While we were together, he'd often look at me adoringly and say things like "Man, you're just about perfect, you know that?" at which point I'd kind of snort or guffaw. But I do, looking back, see that as a warning sign. It's like he can't accept the UN-perfect me...or that I've fallen from the image HE had of me and that's just not okay... Or something.

OKAY I'M DONE OBSESSING. I promise. Thanks, everyone. We'll move on now. I know I am. ;)

12 comments:

Renee said...

LOLOLOL. I like the hurricane and tornado analogies :-)

keesh said...

actually Jen, if you think about it, whenever you tried to do something positive in your life, you got slammed for it. Take smoking for example, that became about "him." Damn, you were just too moody to be around. Now, you are doing something positive again, and he runs. He generally seems to be a runner to me. Whether things are good or bad he can't handle either and has an excuse for everything. So yeah, move on from him. you got enough good friends to need an enemy in your life.

Jen said...

But he CAN be a good friend, and he CAN be very loving, and there was so much GOOD there, I'd hate to see that all go...but he has his guard all up and just wont let me show him the "me" on medicine. It's the same Jen he supposedly loved, just a bit more controlled, if somewhat more dazed and slightly dizzy. ;)

I hate to throw down the gauntlent but I feel that I'VE comprised and given for 2 months....and I just wish he would let me show him ME. If he cares about me the way he still says he does, he'd be my friend. And not in a limited way or "conditionally". FRIENDSHIP ISN'T HALFWAY AND IT'S NOT CONDITIONAL. Yeah.

keesh said...

good for you. I could see if you were doing nothing to make the situation better, but you are and in my opinion you are a much better friend than I would be. but maybe ignorance is his problem. If he doesn't know much about BP, than he is ignorant to it. Remember when I had a friend treat me like crap a while back and I vented about it? She suffers from seasonal depression and I forgave her because she is working on it. She has her bad days and times where she is down, but i realize she really and truly CAN"T help it...so Dave should realize you are doing the best you can but in reality, you are still the same Jen, just maybe this way when the lows come, you can handle them better.I mean seriously, come on, get a back bone dude... (dave I mean)

Jen said...

Well hell, even this weekend, I could recognize that I was getting a little "up"--and for the first time in my life, I DID recognize the signs and acted accordingly. So I AM changing and growing and improving and working on it.

keesh said...

Of course you are. Dave is just choosing to miss out on a great friendship and at this point, let it be this loss. you can establish much better friendships with people who will accept you for who you are.

Anna said...

I gotta ask because I've always wondered. (I hope it doesn't come across as harsh or mean-spirited.)
Why do you try to remain friends with people who break your heart and are mean to you? No matter how hard your break ups or what terrible things he's done or you've done, you always try to retain the relationship. Why?

Jen said...

Because before the shitty, there was always good. And I guess I hope that the "shitty" will disappear along with the breakup, and leave the good....you know, all the fighting and ugliness that comes with a relationship ending (or coming to an end), that will all be gone, and all that will be left is what brought you together, what your love grew from--the friendship.

Anna said...

It seems to me that often after the break up all that's left is the shitty with the good disappearing.
Maybe that's just my personal experience.
I do hope for the best for you and your relationships.

Renee said...

I'm with Anna on this one. If the bad went away and you were left with why you got together in the first place, why wouldn't you get back together? Or maybe that's what you're hoping?

I have to say I'm disappointed that you took the other post down because you're worried about hurting his feelings. HELLO! He's hurt your feelings enough lately... you've BOTH hurt each other recently. I really don't think any of us were trying to slam him (I honestly wasn't), and I don't think we were sticking up for you just because we're YOUR friends. I can understand that if he were to read that he'd be put on the defensive (who wouldn't?), but so what? Maybe it would make him see that he's not doing you any favors by being a "conditional" friend. *sigh*. I don't know. I can't change you wanting to be friends with him, and honestly, if you guys COULD be friends-- REAL, unconditional friends, that'd be great. I just have a feeling that there has been so much hurt on both sides that it may not work out that way. Or it may just be too soon.

Renee said...

I just re-read my comment and it sounds bitchy, and I didn't mean for it to sound that way at all. I just don't want him to have the power to hurt you anymore!

Renee said...

LOL. Well, *I'm* glad, but I hope you didn't do it for MY sake.