Dating

As you know, I'm back in the dating world now, but I feel much more....bitter? Cynical? Unexcited? than ever before. There have been a few times in my life, including one very recently, where I thought I found "the one." The one I would be with the rest of my life. Instead, once again, a nasty, incredibly painful breakup ensued. And I feel like....with every breakup, another part of my heart just...disappears. And I've been doing this for, what, 15 years?

Anyway, I had another date this weekend. And it went very well. We had dinner, the conversation flowed, we sat there for quite a while afterwards and talked. He's very successful, has his own house, is the father to an adorable 2-year-old son. He called me about 2 minutes after leaving Outback Steakhouse to tell me what a great time he had and how he can't wait to see me again (I think we're going to hang out tomorrow).

In short, this is the kind of guy who, once upon a time, would have sent me into a tizzy. (His only drawback is that he is very recently seperated, waiting for the divorce to be finalized, but since his ex cheated on him multiple times, I'm not too worried about him still being hung up on her.) Anyway, back in the day, I would have come home and called the world and announced that this time, for REAL, I found my Prince Charming. And now I just feel...indifferent, I guess. That's not really even the word. Numb, perhaps? Guarded? The best way I can explain it is this: those of you have known me for a while know that for a long time, I had a wall up. And I finally got to the point where I could let it down and welcome love, ACCEPT love, believe that I DESERVED love.

Well, we see where THAT got me.

LOL, I feel like freakin' Desperado. I'm out riding fences (whatever that means).

Will I see him again? Sure. Will anything come of it? Who knows. All I know is, there's no point in getting too involved because it just comes to an end. And this guy, especially. Hell, he has his head on straight. He has a son. He has a career. What the hell would he want with a nutjob like me? If *I* were dating, and had a child, and met a guy who was bipolar, would I be willing to let him into our lives? If it was hard enough before to let people in and see the real me, how the hell can I do so now? I mean, yes, there are those of you in my life who loved me before the diagnosis and who still love me afterwards. But what about the people who never knew me "before"?

Sure, right NOW this guy thinks that I'm freakin' awesome. Not to sound cocky or conceited, but they ALL do at first. =-) That's kind of my thing. It's only after they've been around for a while that they see the "other me." The Dark Side, so to speak. And who knows, maybe there won't BE the Dark Side now that I'm being treated. But....I still have to TELL him. Eventually. And I've never had to do that before. And it's really, really scary. 'Cuz what if I open myself up to a guy and then he rejects me because of it?

So that's my deal lately. I'll date a perfectly nice guy and then just stop calling him after a few dates because I don't want to get to the point where I have to tell him.

Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.