Friday, June 24, 2005

This is why I doubt my mothering abilities.

The kids are horrible today. HORRIBLE. Fighting, tattling, crying over nothing at all (Noah actually cried today because we were laughing in the car, and "I'm hungry so I don't want to hear any laughing"). I've lost my temper with them, on average, of once every 15 minutes. I am counting the minutes until I can go home. Did they wake up and jointly decide, "Hey, this is Supernanny's last full day, so let's make she leaves in a straight jacket?" Or, perhaps, are my nerves more frayed because I'm sad that I'll be with them a couple of hours a day, and so I'm disguising my sadness as anger and irritation? (Hmmm...)

No, but seriously, I cringe at the mere thought of motherhood on days like these. The only thing getting me through the day is the knowledge that, in 4 hours, I'll be getting the hell out of here--for the WHOLE WEEKEND, even. And I get to do leave and go back to my kid-free apartment EVERY night and EVERY weekend. If I were sitting here, knowing that I would be here (and that they would be here) EVERY DAY, EVERY MINUTE, FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES--I do believe that I'd be sitting in a corner by now, rocking and humming.

As much as I love these kids--and kids in general--I do believe that I have a finite amount of patience each day and that such a limited supply thereby eliminates the option of parenthood. And I know some of you are thinking, "Well, it'd be different if they were YOUR kids, your own flesh and blood...." Nice thought, but I dont' think so.

I'm good with kids. I know this. But I'm only good with kids for, oh, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Much more than that, and I tend to get pretty bitchy.

Good to know.


keesh said...

the only thing i have to say is , we as adults have horrible days, so kid are going to have their bad days too and even as a parent, hopefully you will be blessed as I am to have someone to share the burden and give you a break when you need it. Parenting isn't easy, being a kid isn't easy, so some days are bound to be bad. As far as having your own, I think when Bo calls you and wants to to have his children, you'll change your mind :), HA

jevanking™ said...

You know what's sad...the kids you watch are probably better behaved than most the people that come into my restaurant. OK enough about WORK!

Jen said...

Jevanking, yeah, these kids really are pretty good. But damn, when they're bad, they're B-A-D.

And that's the thing...these ARE good kids, who have some bad days. Imagine if I had BAD kids, so EVERY day was like this?

I don't know, maybe someday I'll be all in love again and find a guy who makes me all excited to pop out a couple of kids...but seriously, I'm starting to think that it's just gonna be me and my guinea pigs. Everyone always says, "You'll meet someone when the time is right..." Okay, that's all fine and good, but some people just don't get married. Maybe I'm destined to be one of them. Maybe I really WON'T meet anyone.

So...yeah. If I can't find anyone to "share the burden" with, then I don't have a chance in hell of succeeding at parenting. There's no way I could do it on my own.

Anna said...

I was at Tim's softball game this week sitting on the bleachers with the other softball wives. One really lucky ;) Mom has 4 kids ages 6, 3, 2 & 4 months. She was exhausted and the whole thing looked like WAY too much work. Poor woman.

SparkyDiva said...

you'd be surprised about the whole 'doing it on your own' thing. some days (most days, actually), i find my life with my daughter a whole lot easier than when i was actually married...but i miss the companionship. anyhoo...if you get out of the teaching biz one day, i bet you'd make a GRRRREAT psychologist!

Fred said...

People who are aware of their shortcomings make some of the best parents.

Yes, it's tough when surrounded by all those kids. But, when holding your own, life changes for the better.

This looks like a post I might have written twenty years ago.

Today, I still have these thoughts, but I also have three wonderful teenagers.

Nik said...

Ya know what Jen, I totally understand where you're coming from and agree with you. At least your mature enough to realize that, at least right now anyways, that you're not ready for it and you may never be. Hey look at it this way, you and I can grow old with your guinea pigs together! lol

Nik said...

Hell, that didn't come out the way I wanted it too! I meant in the sense that we won't have kids or be married, so we'll be in the same boat kinda thing.
And of course, gotta throw in the cliche, maybe someday you'll change your mind and find someone to have that with.

keesh said...

Jen & Nik - I always appreciate when people acknowledge the fact that parenting is something they are or are not ready for. I think it is very selfless of both of you to not have kids because "everyone else is." one day you may change your mind, but if not, hey that is what makes it a choice :). Proud of you girls!
Nik - how come you couldn't come to the blog party?

Jen said...

Cuz they (Missy and Nikki) both have to work, and if they take off of work, their check will be short one day's pay, which is a lot.

So we'll just have to drink FOR them. Darn.

Fred--thanks. =-)

Anonymous said...

when i started reading your blog and you were writing about all the crazy things the kids have done or said it just cracked me up. So when I think about it this is one of the many reason i enjoy being a parent. You never know what's going to come out a kids mouth (as long as it isn't cuss words) it will usually cracked you up. And just that thought can brighten up my worst day. And of course my kids have their bad days...translation (they're bad as hell) but not all the time. i think the good out weight the bad. Well I'm just hitting the teenage years. We will see how i feel about it in a couple of years...LOL

LocuTus of Borg said...

Being a parent is awesome, but it does have its days. And don't worry Jen even when you become a parent - there will still be those days. Then days like those, its nice to have the grandparents, cousins, or have the spouse take them :). Isn't there a book for parenting? LOL I wish.