Tuesday, April 21, 2009


There's something that really, really, REALLY bothers me: people who get into relationships and blow off their friends.

I'm not talking about when you first meet someone and you're caught up in that initial new-love buzz. Hell, I think we've ALL been guilty of that at one point or another. But eventually, you need to return to reality--to your LIFE. You know, the one you had before that person came along. Because, you know, you DID have one. Complete with friends and everything. (Unless you were a major loser or something.)

But I have this friend, and we used to be pretty close. But she's been dating this person for a while now, and it's like I don't even recognize her anymore. I hate to say it, but I don't like the person she's becoming. She used to be really independent. But just last week, I asked her if she wanted to hang out on Thursday (mind you, this was on Monday). She said she had to check with this other person. "Oh, do you guys have plans?" I asked. You you know what? They didn't have PLANS yet. But she had to check with him before she made plans with me. Just in case he wanted to see her.

????? WTF?

She can't make plans with one of her best friends until she checks in with him? What, to make sure she's allowed? To make sure that this other person hasn't already made plans FOR her for the night?

And here's the bitch of it: she seems him like 3 times during the week AND spends almost entire weekends with him. And meanwhile, I'M asking for a night every week or two.

It just kills me. It truly pains me to see people like that--who replace their friends, especially their BEST friends, with their significant other once they're in a relationship.

I KNOW that when you've been dating someone for a while, they become an important part of your life. A REGULAR part of your life. And I am fully aware that I can't expect to hang out wth her as often as I did when she was single (or just dating someone casually.) I'm not totally unrealistic. But you know, my friends mean so much to me. Down here, my friends ARE my family. They're all I have. And god knows that I wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the stuff in my life without my Girl Tribunal. (Holla!) And although I can't claim to be a perfect friend, and I've certainly messed up pretty badly...I also know that your signicant other can't be everything to you. They can't be your WHOLE life. Shit, even when you're married, when you've sworn before God that you will hold this person above all others, you still need your friends. Your marriage would crumble if you expected them to be everything to you, if they were the sole component of your social life.

It just bothers me. I'm very, very hurt. This post comes across as angry but it's mostly the hurt speaking. (Although, make no mistake about it, I'm pissed off, too.) I hope this person realizes what they're doing before it's too late. I hope they see that there's still a place for our friendship in their new life. I hope they understand that they have to MAKE that time, that they have to set aside time to spend with their friends--when THEY want to, not when their new boyfriend says it's okay. They have to actively make their friendships a priority. They have to be able to say, "I'm going to see Jen on Thursday. I'll see him Monday, Wednesday, and Friday-Sunday." Oh and MIND YOU, I'm asking to meet up for drinks or something. During the week, we rarely meet up past 8 or so. She can go hang out with him AFTER that, for fuck's sake.

I will always be here for her. She's definitely been there for ME (in the past. Not lately. But I digress). When her relationship breaks up (and trust me, it will), I'll still be here. And maybe she knows that and that's why she feels like it's "okay" to blow me off now. But at the same time--she's also showing me where our friendship fits into her life and her priorities. And unfortunately for us both of us: right now, our friendship isn't even on her radar (unless it's a few minutes on IM at night or a few emails during work. We used to hang out and talk ALL THE TIME. And now, I can't even get a night a week or shit, every TWO weeks. And when we DO hang out, it's after she's made all her plans with him. I'm not important enough for her to set aside a night for me--to make specific plans AHEAD OF TIME. The last few times we've hung out, it's been on the fly, at the last minute, because her significant other HAD OTHER PLANS or their original plans fell through.)

I'm very, very, very sad. I feel like I'm losing the friendship, and either this person doesn't see it or (even worse) right now, they just don't care.

Because they're dating someone new.

(PS--this is one of the people here who knows about my crazy. And I think that's why I'm so sad. She KNOWS me, better than a lot of people down here--better than MOST people down here. We were THAT close.)


Renee said...

:-( I'm sorry, sweetie. This reminds me of an email out there that I read, about how you need different people in your life for different things. You're SO right-- your significant other CANNOT provide everything and it's unhealthy to think they can or expect them to.

Have you said any of this to her? I'm hoping she just doesn't realize what she's doing and if you gently tell her that it's hurting your feelings, she'll realize what she's doing to the friendship.

Jen said...

Oh, I've talked to her.

Jen said...

And you know, there's nothing anyone can "do." Except her. I just needed to vent cuz i'm frustrated and pissed off

keesh said...

I am sorry Jen, I wanted to hang out, but living in Michigan and trying to get to Florida in just a few days notice....ok, seriously, That sucks! I love that about my husband and I, we are very very independant people and i never want to lose that. we do our own thing. there is a difference in making plans and then "checking" to make sure there is no misommunication and "Checking" to make sure the plans with the guy just might be more appealing. She will probably have to learn the hard way, say, when she loses all her friends...hang in there girl!!

Nik said...

As someone who's had to say bye to many friends as a result of this exact situation (Ruben, Rob, Louie, all them guys), all I can say is it never gets easier. I tell myself that those friends don't deserve my friendship, so eff 'em, but it doesn't make not having them in my life any easier. I deal with it, but I think I'll always miss them, ya know.

I hope for you that this 'giner friend of yours realizes how much you care about her and what a true friend you are. If/when it all falls apart, maybe she'll see the mistake she made. It sucks, but nothing you can do, but stand back and watch sometimes.