Foster Care: A Call to Action
I haven't posted recently because I've been waiting for something to say. Now I have it.
You know how sometimes, you see something or hear something and you just know, on this instinctive, visceral level, that this is where your life is going to go? I don't know if that makes any sense, but I felt that way when I watched this Primetime special last night on kids in foster care. It talked about the hundreds of thousands of children currently waiting for homes IN THIS COUNTRY, and how the older they got, the less chance they have of being adopted. A lot of these kids will live their ENTIRE LIVES in the foster care system--either in foster homes, if they're lucky, or in group homes--and will eventually "age out" of the system without ever having known an actual FAMILY.
I've talked before about wanting to adopt an older child some day, but watching this show just cemented it for me. It became crystal clear to me; I just knew with an absolutely CERTAINTY that this is a road I'll be traveling down in the future. Whether or not I eventually find "the one", I'm going to be a parent--I have no doubt about that. And hell, even if I DO get married some day, I can't say, honestly, that I feel the burning desire to have my own kid. I mean, as much as I love kids, I've never been a BABY person. They're kind of boring, really. =) For some people, it's absolutely crucial they have their "own" child, and I know some couples who go to extraordinary lengths to conceive their own biological child. And for them, that's fine. But I don't have that need. Sure, it'd be nice to have a pregnancy that people are actually happy about; to have a baby shower; to do all that stuff I missed the first time around. But I'd miss a lot of other stuff, too, like countless diaper changes. Hours and hours and hours of crying. Around the clock feedings. Lugging them--and their diaper bags and strollers and Lord knows what else--around. Shit, even going to the STORE with a baby is a huge pain in the ass.
Granted, and trust me on this, I am well aware of the problems that come with adopting an older child. I'm VERY familiar with them, actually, as this is something that, in all seriousness, I've been researching for years. Foster care kids have all types of emotional and behavioral and physical problems that can be INCREDIBLY challenging. So I don't want to make it sound like I expect to take the "easy" way out by adopting an older child. But...well, I will get to bypass a lot of the hesitations I've ALWAYS had about having a baby. Having KIDS, yes. But having a BABY? I've NEVER been crazy about that idea.
I know this post is getting really long, so I guess my point is just that this show just touched something deep inside of me, and it made me realize, once again, that this is something that I truly believe I'm meant to do. Single or married, whatever road I end up taking--I AM going to be a parent someday. I'm not going to give BIRTH to him or her, but my future child may already be out there somewhere, waiting for me to get my shit together.
http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/FosterCare/
11 comments:
PS--I'm talking to my friend Army Jeff online right now about it, and I'm just clarifying more how I feel. I mean, no offense to you moms out there, and I'm sure it is different when you DO have your own kid....but at work, even, I walk past the teachers in the Infant Room, or even the Preppers Room (ages 1-2), and I think, God, I would go CRAZY in a room like that. How boring is THAT? You just feed them and change diapers and put them down for a nap and they're always crying and then you just start all over again. The other teachers think I'm CRAZY for doing the School Age room, but hell, in a lot of ways, I think I have the best room. My kids are FUN. They're funny and you can talk to them and do stuff with them. That whole first year or so, maybe even 2, it just always seemed to me that you're just marking time until they get older and they can actually DO stuff. Like talk to you.
I don't know...I guess this is just a big epiphany for me, since I always assumed, my entire LIFE, that someday I'd get married, get pregnant and have "babies." Hell, even when I DID get pregnant, the big thought I had that got me through that whole horrible time was the thought that someday, I'd be able to have another baby....it was just always a given in my mind. But really, I don't WANT a "baby." I just want to be a parent, you know? And there's so many kids out there who could use someone like me (well, someone like the person I'm going to EVENTUALLY be) =-)...Mom said, last night, "Well, you could adopt and still have one of your own, too," and I just said, "Why?" I mean, really, WHY? Why have one of my own when there are so many kids out there who need families? And again, I'm not knocking you parents out there so please don't take it that way. It just blows MY mind to have realized, I guess, that something I THOUGHT I wanted, I don't really want (the whole pregnancy/baby thing, I mean).
Damn, I'm rambling on again.
Having worked for an agency that managed the foster care system for many years, I applaud you.
I know what your Mom meant by "one of your own, too" but it is a little awkward to read/process whenever people do that. Its almost like this unspoken assumption that foster/adoptive children are somehow less than full children.As an adoptive and foster and biological parent, I can tell you with assurance that there is no difference. Your children are your children.
But Eduardo, are you glad that you had the experience/opportunity to have biological children, as well? Would you feel like you were "missing" something if you didn't?
I think it is great we all have different instinctive feelings and I think each Mom is just a special as the next, whether natural conception or adoption. So you go for it! And I tell you what, when the day comes that you do adopt that child, no matter how old they are, myself and some of your other friends (right Anna and Nee) will make sure you have an "Adoption Child/Mom shower"... you don't have to have a BABY shower, but a KID shower. Maybe with a theme, like books or clothes, depending on the need of the child. I am glad you are choosing this road and I think this was a God moment in your life...
And to answer your question about why *I*, just me, think that there are less parents adopting is because it costs so much. you either have to go over seas or have a hell of a lot of money. That is why I think it is the case...but I could be wrong. And the foster care system would be hard for me personally because I get attached and then they would be taken from the home...so that is my thoughts there...
Actually, Kish, to adopt an older kid in foster care, it's basically free, because there's such a NEED. I mean, you pay for the homestudy and maybe the court filing fees, but I remember reading once that even a lot of THOSE costs are reimbursed when you adopt a "special needs" kid (and as I've mentioned before, just being older and minority classifies a kid as special needs). Plus, you get a monthly stipend for most of those "special needs" kids--not a lot, but it's meant to help defray the costs.
PS--good idea about the shower for an older kid! I bet he'd need lots of new clothes and stuff. (Because for some reason, when I think about this, it's always a boy.)
Nee - you can't plan alone :). Although you are more domestic than I am :).
jen, I don't think so.
Its near impossible to say what would be because we only have what we have.
I have friends who are trying desperately to have children "of their own". They are spending a lot of money and a lot of effort chasing something they believe is qualitatively different than what they would get via adoption.
Its hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but of course I must. Its not my place, but in some ways I think it is sad.
Every parent eventually comes to the realization that your kids aren't yours anyway. From the time that they are old enough to express an opinion, they are slowly tearing away from you and becoming people in their own right.
You don't own that process and you don't own the results. You just give of yourself to the best that you are able and you hope that when the baton is passed they have become the people you like to share the earth with.
I just wanted to say that having a biological child, I do feel like I could love another child who I raised that wasn't biological just the same. Coming from a broken family and having parents who have remarried, My son doesn't see his grandparents as biological or not, my step parents treat him as their own and that is all that matters. it is how a child is loved that matters and I think that can be done no matter what. who knows what the future holds, but for us, for now, we just want our one child...my husbands biological father passed away when he was a year old, and his DAD raised him. He came into his life at age 2 and raised him. So when we refer to him as "dad," we don't go "ok, well sort of Dad." you know what I mean? In fact it doesn't really cross our minds unless this kind of topic comes up. Shawn has a half sister, but he doesn't go "Mason, this is your half Aunt Missy." People always say Blood is thicker than water, well logically it is. but for me, I don't believe in that at all...that is my emotional rant for the day ;)
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