I went to church today.
And if you know me, you know that that means there is something very wrong.
I don't really want to talk about it, but it has to do with Thomas, my soldier. Let's just say that I have a tendency to push people away (especially of the male persuasion) and I am usually quite successful. Afterwards, of course, I hurt like hell.
I don't want to talk about it so let's just say that, unless you hear otherwise, let's not discuss anything related to Thomas and/or Texas.
Thank you.
(And what kills me the most is that I quite pissed him off and, frankly, I'm not even sure WHY. It could be any number of things, really. And since he refuses to talk to me, I can't get the clarification I need. )
Okay NOW we're not talking about it.
(I told him that I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. But he has totally and completely shut me out, and I don't know HOW people can just turn off all their emotions just like that. I mean, two days ago he cared for me a whole lot and now, he's just...shut off completely?)
Okay....starting NOW.
(I mean, he said I could trust him not to hurt me and I was starting to, but I was still testing him a bit to make sure that he meant it when he said he wasn't going anywhere--I mean, I can't just trust someone unconditionally, right? They have to PROVE to me that if I give them my heart, they won't fuck me over. And I TOLD HIM, if I try to push you away, don't let me, because I don't REALLY want you to go, I just need to know that I can trust you. And I really, really thought that he'd stick by me as I tried to let my guard down. I was trying really hard, even. And then this happens. How am I supposed to trust ANYONE if every time I try, they end up leaving? It's like a chain reaction, but then it makes it that much harder to open up to the NEXT person who comes along, and so on.)
(But I really, really liked him.)
OK. No more talk. I'm too sad.
33 comments:
This post is kind of confusing. So are you two done? Just going through a issue? I can see that you are unsure. But I have to say Testing someone when they live miles and miles away, in the service no less, isn't something you should do. Why test him now? Test him when he is in his comfort zone, like say Texas. As far as I know, he is still out of the country? Correct? So that is my two cents. I will pray for you, but Jen, don't push him away or test him, he has his own tests right now and needs your support. If that is the case. now if he did something to make you push him away, then that is different, but your post is so unlcear...
I'm not gonna say anything, but Jen, you know where I am if you need to talk/vent/etc.
I don't know if we're done or just "going through an issue."
But you're right, Kish. I just don't konw if I'll be able to fix it now. I've already done my best to express my regret, apologize, let him know I care, etc. I just have to wait and see if he "comes back" or not.
Can we discuss you then, in relation to the situation? I have things to say and I'd rather tell you than type this shit up, but you never answer your phone. I tried typing it up, but it doesn't come out right and sounds mean in type, so I'm gonna wait for your go ahead or nah on this one.
Yeah, go ahead! Just TRY to be nice.
Could you be more specific on what exactly you did to push him away that he doesn't seem to want to forgive?
Nope, I can't, cuz I don't know. Cuz this time, I really wasn't trying to. I mean, I was pissy cuz I didn't feel good, and he said he was going to call "in a minute," and I kept waiting up and waiting up, but he was pissing around online and I was getting more and more irritated, cuz i just wanted him to call so I could go to sleep...like I said, to ME, it was just a stupid little thing--and yes, as you all know, I can be a bit of a bitch when I want to be, ;) but I honestly don't know WHAT it was specifically that pissed him off so badly.
Also, I said something about one of his friends, who I also talk to (you know, like "W. would never keep me waiting like this; HE would call" and then he was like, "Well then, why you don't you go date HIM then",so maybe THAT'S what pissed him off, cuz he does get jealous sometimes...but damn, I thought he KNEW that I don't see W. in "that way" at ALL. Really, you guys, I dont know if it was that comment that hurt him, or me being a general pain in the ass cuz he knew I was sick and waiting for him to call...I dont know.
well...hold out hope. it will probably get better (listen to me, the eternal pessimist, giving optomistic advice!).
if you've read my blog recently...would you like a beer or a smoke?
i'll keep the two of you in my prayers. ... as well as the rest of you gals.
~b
well it looks like things are done.
what do you mean it looks like things are done?
As in, over.
So sorry you are hurting.
Relationships can be very difficult and confusing.
I wish you all the best.
Let me clarify: throughout the last 8 months, as we've gotte closer, I've been scared, because it's hard for me to let my guard down. I've tried to protect myself cuz I didn't want to get hurt, but he seemed so sweet and sincere, he seemed to really care about me.
On Friday night, though, I wasn't TRYING to do anything. Yeah, I was sick and I felt pissy, but I really wasn't TRYING to "push him away." I just didn't feel good so I was cranky. And somewhere in the course of that conversation, I said or did something that apparently caused him to want nothing more to do with me. AND I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS.
I can't believe that, with as close as I thought we were, he would just...cut me out of his life so quickly, and ESPECIALLY without even telling me what the hell happened.
OK seriously, that's all I have to say now, cuz it just hurts too damn bad to talk about it.
Jen - you brought it up silly :). Maybe he will come around and maybe it isn't even about you at all. maybe he has his own shit he is dealing with. Maybe he is homesick or scared. Maybe he feels having a relationship can't be done right now or maybe he is a complete asshole. I guess it is up to you to determine.
Well I'm glad we're not talking about it.
I AM sorry cuz you are sad.
Just 1 thing.
You probably already know this, but you really have to stop doing that.
Sparkydiva -
Don't offer her a smoke! She has asthma!
Sparkydiva-
Jen's mom here. Not to change the subject but I read that part of your blog and - isn't that a country song? So you like country music? Me too! (or was that a secret?) :-)
Can I send him an email?
hi, jen's mom. yes, that is a country song...i love the country music! and as far as the smoking goes...i have asthma, too...but sometimes the stress wins out over the asthma and i have one or two.
and...LOL...my mom would want to send him an email, too!
hope you're feeling better today, jen.
~b
MOTHER.
I thought we weren't talking about it?
Your guy sounds just like me. When I get upset, there's no talking to me right away. I need time to cool down, then I'm ready.
Give him time, and then call him.
Good luck - we're pulling for you.
I CAN'T call him, Fred. And I'm not trying to talk to him online anymore, either. I tried on Sat. night and Sun night, and he flatout ignored me. (Actually, I got like two answers from him on Sat.) I tried. Now it's his turn.
Cuz the way I figured it, if *I* had suddenly stopped talking to HIM, and he was like "Okay then, have a good life" and didn't even TRY, then I'd be all, "What, he didn't even care??" So I wanted him to know that I DO care. Cuz I've told him, even if I try to push you away, I don't really want you to go. So if he's just hurt or something, I did want him to know that he IS important to me. But I showed him that, and if he still stays gone, then HE just doesn't care. And I guess it's better that I find that out now.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing by leaving the ball in his court, but try and remember there is probably more to it than meets the eye...
What? The part about smoking or sending him an email?
Seriously, things will work out the way they are meant to.
Hakuna matata.
Deb,Deb,Deb, I am banking on the email one more than the smoking one... just a hint though.
What do you mean, Kish, "more than meets the eye"?
I mean, he is over fighting for our country correct? Maybe he has seen things he is having a hard time dealing with and maybe he is pushing you away because that is all he knows. I mean that since he isn't here at home to talk to, it makes communication that much harder. You are involved with Angels Network, maybe another soldiars opinion would do you some good.
Good point way up there, Jen. I suppose it is up to him. This sucks.
I just want to clarify, what I wanted to say wasn't mean in any way. I just couldn't type it up to where it didn't sound mean. And after further contemplation, I have decided that I'll just talk to you, instead of posting my insight about this on your blog.
I'm not sure you can put the word "fuck" in the same post as saying you're going to church. he he LOL. Sorry, just had to say that. Oh, and he's from TEXAS? You've gotta hold out for him to get over whatever he's got an issue with. Texas boys are usually worth it.
Thanks for the advice, Princess. ;)
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