Saturday, January 20, 2007

My heart is absolutely broken

As you all undoubtedly know, I have been involved with Soldiers' Angels for a few years now. I have "adopted" a number of soldiers, sailors and marines in that time, and have grown quite close to a number of them; many of them are included in this email. They all become a part of my family, and have a part of my heart, even after they return home. They become my sisters, my brothers and my friends.

I just found out about 20 minutes ago that, for the first time, I have lost one of my heroes. (It took me about 10 minutes to type that sentence, since I started crying about halfway through.) The level of heartache is so strong that I can only imagine how his family and friends are feeling. His name is, was, Matthew Grimm. He's 21 and from Wisconsin Rapids. He was one of my "unofficial" adoptees, which means he wasn't assigned to me but he got one of my letters and I kind of took him "under my wing," as we Angels say. He sent me an email called "From your soldier" when he got my first letter, and from that moment on, that's exactly what he was--my soldier.

Since then, we've emailed almost every day. I know that he's been going out on some pretty dangerous missions and he always emailed me right when he got back. I hadn't heard from him in a few days and I just sent him a message last night, giving him a hard time, saying, "Hey, did you go out on a mission and forget to tell your Angel?" A few minutes ago, on a hunch, more of an instinct recently, I checked the Department of Defense casualty list and prompty threw up when I saw his name and picture.

The last email I got from him was, it turns out, the morning of the day he died. He was telling me about the mission he just returned from. But you know, he was also glad to be going on these missions. He was proud of it, especially compared to some of the other stuff he was doing there. The funniest email I got from him was just a few days before he died, when he was complaining about one of the sh** jobs his superior had given him. He wrote, "You wouldn't believe what our platoon had to do today for our time off. We had to sweep the mud off of the cement. Not that this cement is important anyways it's just something for us to do. Another thing is how do you sweep mud off when all you end up doing is spreading it around. I swear half of these leaders here have lost it." So of course, I spent the next couple emails teasing him about My Hero the Mud Sweeper.

I"m sending this to everyone on my email list because I want each and every one of you to have at least heard his name. I want you to know who he is, who he was. How much he believed in what he was doing and why they were over there. How he was scared when he went out on missions. And of course he was....HE WAS A DAMN KID.

I'm blubbering again.

A kid who was one of the bravest men I'll ever know.

10 comments:

Madre said...

A kid, maybe, but with a man's heart and courage. We won't forget him, Jen.

Jen said...

I posted on the Angel board that I felt almost like a "failure" as an Angel, since I could't keep him safe, and this is one of the responses I got....as you can imagine, it practically sent me into hysterics.

"We want to keep them all safe, but unfortunately that is not our "job" nor within our abilities. We are here to provide them support and unconditional love, to make sure they know they are not alone. Please do not feel like you failed. You were PERFECT to him. And he knew on his journey to heaven that you were right there with him as you had been while he was deployed."

Jen said...

One of my match.com guys (shut up) said this (I swear, I'm never going to be able to stop crying. It's been, what 6 hours now? I'm crying more now than I did when Grandpa died, which either makes me a great angel or a shitty granddaughter):

"you did not fail him. you gave him a reason to do what he did by being the person you are and talking to him through email. by you talking to him, he knew there were supporters of the troops back home. you probably gave him the courage he needed to get by day after day in a horrible place."

this is so heartbreaking.

Jen said...

this message came through myspace from the gf/wife of a guy in his platoon.

"Matthew always made it a point to tell me how much he was enjoying all the letters from his soldiers angels.. and how he always had so many people to write back but he loved it because it made him feel like people cared. In the past month alone we've lost 5 of our boys out of our platoon. Letters to the soldiers are more important than you will ever realize. Please keep up with your soldiers.. a single kind word to someone in that situation can make all the difference sometimes. you all do great things."

Mom said...

I was gonna say what everyone else has said. You made his stay over there a little more bearable. That is not failing.

Nik said...

Jen- you were a friend to him when he needed them most and you know as well as I do that having support and knowing that someone cares is what they all need when they're over there. That's exaclty what you do. You must know that you did not fail him in any way. He doesn't have to be scared anymore. Just keep him in your heart.

(I'm hugging you right now! Can you feel my arms around you? Cuz it's a frickin bear hug) I Love You!!

keesh said...

Oh Jen. I am sorry to hear this. I know how dedicated you are to the Soldiar's Angel's program and I personally thank you for that. I wish they had the technology like that when my dad was in Vietnam. I mean the email option. If I know you at all, I know you made Matthew laugh and laughter is something I am sure he was thankful for. you did a wonderful job by being an Angel. You couldn't control his dyeing and I believe he had a special spot waiting in Heaven for him and he is looking down on you right now. Maybe he is your Angel now :)...

keesh said...

I went on the legacy.com homepage. I am so saddened by how many men have died. especially how young they are...it is horrible...

Jen said...

http://www.wisconsinrapidstribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070122/WRT0101/70122161/1982

Jen said...

His funeral is Saturday. I checked out plane ticket prices but it's just too much. Dang, I wish I could go, though.