Resolutions

I'm one of those people who becomes very reflective around the New Year. I definitely take stock of what I've accomplished in the past year, the failures I've had, the challenges I've faced, and how I'm going to take all of that with me into the next year. What are my personal strengths and weaknesses? And how can I become a better ME?

Oooh, hang on, I'm going to order a pizza...

Okay. You know, I'm not impressed with Dominoes' online ordering system so far. I always end up calling the actual store. This time, the price on the online coupon I had and what I actually had in the cart wasn't matching up.

Um, where was I? Oh, yeah. Deep thoughts. Personal reflection. Spiritual growth.

Therefore, around this time of year, I don't make "resolutions," although I guess that's what they are. I just focus on the 2 or 3 things about me that I think are holding me back the most. (#1 key to resolutions: don't make too many of them, which lowers your chance of success. Just focus on a few things each year). Without further ado, here are my personal goals for 2009:

1) Quit smoking
* Ah, an oldy but goody. In my defense, this one hasn't appeared on my list in a few years, either because I just didn't WANT to quit or because I knew it probably wasn't going to happen. But you know, it's freakin' time to try again. Nikki quit, which is inspiring. Plus, it recently occured to me that I have now officially been smoking for half my life. Yes, half of the years I have been alive have been spent as a smoker. Also, I have asthma, so continuing to smoke is just pure stupidity. Not to mention all of the usual health and beauty reasons to quit. I really don't need to explain this one, so I'm just going to ask for your thoughts and prayers as I embark on this journey AGAIN, as it'll be a bitch. (And so will I, LOL.) FYI: I've chosen the gum as my aid.

2) Get my finances in order
* Good God, my credit sucks. And I'm talking the crack-whore-in-the-ghetto kind of sucks. I'm behind on ALL of my major bills. I could blame it on the economy (which has hurt a LOT of people) or my BP (because there was that brief period this year where I did go a bit "up" and spent quite a bit of money that I couldn't afford to spend) but really, it's just me. It may take bill consolidation, but I am going to be sitting down and making a list of my debts (not counting student loans, because I'm not technically behind on those right now; I was in school so no payments were due. And yes I KNOW that I should, at the very least, continue to pay interest, even when no official payment is due--but seriously, I need to focus on the bills that I'm really, truly behind on first, the ones that are hurting my credit TODAY). I really do think that I'll need to go the credit counseling/consolidation route. (And yes, I know there are a lot of scammers out there, but I've done my research and I know the organization I'll be using. If you're not familiar with the whole debt consolidation process, check here: http://www.cccsfl.org/crisisManagement/debtmanagement.jsp . It's not a loan, it's just a way of paying down debt a little more effectively. I won't be debt-free by the end of the year, but I will definitely be on my way.

3) Romantic life: WTF?
* I met Shawn about 14 days into 2008, and he's been, in one way or another, a part of my life pretty much since then, either as my best friend or my boyfriend. (Yes, that's right: it's the world's Worst Kept Secret and I know most of you know this already, but Shawn and I are...well, I don't know what we ARE, but he's back in my life. And yes, I know: I pledged that you would NEVER hear me talk about him again, that I was done with him, that I had finally found my pride and dignity and was breaking free. I lied.)

This year, I'm going to figure out this love stuff. I don't know exactly where I'll be by the end of the year, but I see myself in a happy relationship. Will it be with him? I don't know. And yes, I know that you don't NEED a relationship. But I want one. I'm just happier in one. I'm a "relationship person." That does NOT mean, though, that if I'm not in a relationship by the end of the year, I'll consider this particular resolution (oh, I'm sorry: personal goal) a failure. I'd sure like to be, but hell, I'll settle for "recognizing my own self worth and valuing myself enough to not let others treat me like crap."

And I'm getting there, regardless of what you may think. I know that I've gotten in my own damn way more times that I can count, I often settle for much less than I deserve, and I sacrifice WAYYY too much of who I am and what *I* really want, just to make a relationship work. Trust me, I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, and I continue to learn them every day.

I know you guys may look at me and think that I must be legally retarded due to many of my decisions and actions, but I know that every single experience I've had, decision I've made and person I've met have all been for a reason. And as stupid as this may sound, maybe I HAVE to keep making mistakes when it comes to Shawn, because it's going to make me really recognize and appreciate The One For Me when he does come along. Maybe I have to keep fucking up right NOW so that I don't do it later. Maybe I have to admit what I really, truly want and experience how it feels to love someone so much but yet hurt so badly when you KNOW it could be great, IF ONLY the other person would give as much as you are and care as much as you do and want to be with you as much as you want to be with them--maybe I have to experience THAT in order to really be able to receive...whatever's coming. Do I WANT to be with Shawn? Yes. Do I really, truly recognize the fact that he may NOT be the one? Yes. Do I want to give up on him, and us, yet? No. (Although, just for the record, I AM dating other people, ad as I said before, if I met a great guy who KNEW that he wanted to be with me, then yes, as sad as part of me would be, I would, and will, be able to walk away.)

I DO know that I'll be truly happy some day, and not just because 2 psychics have told me so. See, the bottom line is: I'm not stupid. (No, seriously, I'm NOT.) I'm just the kind of person who has to get burned by the flame a BUNCH of times before I realize that it hurts and maybe I shouldn't do that anymore, as opposed to the person who can learn that very same lesson the first time--or the person who wouldn't do it in the first damn place because fire is freakin' hot, dumbass, and what did you THINK would happen?

Ha. That's a good analogy.

So...yeah. Those are the 3 things I'll be working on this year. I figure that if I can improve in those 3 areas, then I'll be able to call 2009 a success--and myself a better person for it.

What about all of you? What personal goals do you have for yourself?

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go mainline some nicotine gum. (Seriously, today has been TOUGH. But, unlike many of the last times, I actually WANT to do it this time and am not looking for just the merest excuse to run out and buy a pack.)