Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Slight update/clarification

I'm leaving my original post in its entirety (see below), because it really does communicate the hurt and anger that I feel towards C-Boy. I do want to say, though ('cuz I know some of you were wondering)--no, nothing dramatic or even NEW happened. It's just more of the same, really--claiming to care yet always putting me last and basically making me feel like I was the only one in that friendship/relationship/what-have-you. For months--hell, the whole time I knew him, really--I wanted and hoped to become as important to him as he was to me, and that he'd become the friend to me that I truly tried to be to him. But I was, from day one, fighting a losing battle. And instead of getting my heart--and feelings--hurt over and over and over, it was time to give up.

It was, quite simply, a one-sided situation--and I was tired of always being put last, of him making plans with me ONLY when nothing better came along or his original plans fell through, of him wanting me around when it was convenient for HIM. He was just such an incredibly important person in MY life, and it took me a loooonnnnngggggg time to open my eyes and see that that sentiment was never returned on his end.

Bottom line: a true friend, let alone "boyfriend," would not always make you feel like crap. Yeah, I know: obvious to YOU guys, LOL, but again, it sometimes takes a little longer for me to "get" things. ;) When we hung out, we always had a great time--but it was always when HE wanted to, on HIS terms, and usually at the last minute (because, as I now see, he always wanted to keep his options open). It really started to hurt that he would never commit to something ahead of time--I was never important enough for him to make actual plans with, say, for the next weekend. I was never one of those people that he knew, no matter what, he wanted to see this weekend (for example)--he'd make plans with the people he truly cared about, plan the things that really mattered, and then fit me into whatever time was left--and if there WASN'T time left, then oh well. He could take me or leave me, basically. (That last part really cuts to the core of the issue.) And that may not SEEM like a big deal--unless you just so happened to be in love with that person. In that case, it really sucked.

Anyway. There's some clarification. And now, please see below for my original Alanis-esque rant. ;)


anna said...

I just wanted to say a couple of things:
1) I don’t think you’re a slow learner. I think you’re a highly intelligent person who doesn’t like to give up on people. That’s one of the reasons we love you!
2) LOLOL at your horror movie analogy. It is kind of like that sometimes – He’s coming after you and he's going to rip your heart out!
3) I’m really happy you’re seeing C-boy for the selfish, uncaring, LCB he really is. Now you can work on finding someone great! :)

Jen said...

Well, here's the thing. And, I must warn you, this comparison is very **UN** PC of me. But...

let's say you had a child, one who kept banging his head against the wall. You would: a) either hope that he eventually figured out that this HURT and stop fuckin' doin it or b) eventually realize that he's going to keep doing it, buy him a helmet and sign him up for a special school.

My point? I fear that, when it comes to love, I'm fall into the latter category.

(LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Seriously, that anology cracked my shit up.)

But for real, I do think that I belong on the Short Bus of Love. I mean, maybe it's a flaw or maybe it's a desirable characteristic, but...no matter how many times I get hurt/disappointed/downright screwed over, I jump into the next relationship just as "open" and hopeful as I did the last one. I keep getting hurt, yet I keep throwing myself out there. What the hell?

Jen said...

And here's the bitch of it: I was truly in love with LCB. It wasn't like with Dave--I loved him, but honestly, I wasnt IN love with him. He just treated me so great and I WANTED to be in love with him, but as you guys know, there was always something missing. Shawn--I mean LCB--was one of the ones I was actually in love with. There was Cam...And Shawn. I'm 32 and there's like 2 guys I was truly in love with.

Like, when things were GOOD with us, I could see a future with LCB. He was (I thought) truly one of my best friends, we had such a great time together....and I THOUGHT I saw the person he really was, the one who would make a great partner and husband and dad....not anytime soon, truly, but someday--and I was just so stupid.


sparkydiva said...

just repeat this chant in your head over and over again "he's a lying cheating asshat fucktard". eventually it will sink in.

hey - i know a thousand or so guys that are coming home in about six weeks that haven't had sex in a looooooooooong time...perhaps you should visit texas soon. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa