Monday, November 17, 2008

Adios, C-Boy

I hereby pledge that you will never hear another word about C-Boy (formerly known as LCB) again. As it turns out, you are/were all correct: he is a self-centered piece of shit and I apologize for taking so long to see the light. I had sincerely hoped that there was a decent guy in there somewhere who truly cared about me and was worth believing in...but he proved, once again, that I was mistaken.

I am a slow learner, to be sure (LOL: to which I hear a chorus of "NOOOO.....really?!?!?!?"). But I guess I need to learn lessons the hard way, even if it means having my heart trampled on and my faith in others kicked to the curb. I know that there are good men out there, sure. And I also believe that I'm learning all of these lessons for a reason. But sometimes I wonder why the ones I love the most are also the ones who disappoint me the most.

I'm very bitter and hurt right now because, even though you all think I'm a dumbass sometimes ;) , I still believe that those I love will rise to the occastion and not let me down; that I love them for a REASON-- that's it NOT all for nothing; that when I stand there and have their backs NO MATTER WHAT, they will show me that they were worth taking a chance on. I guess, overall, I just feel...disappointed. And again, it's my own fault--I just wish I wasn't so blind when I love someone, and that I could listen to those around me--the ones who can see what I'm not able (or willing) to see.

It's just a hard lesson to learn about someone you believed in 100%.

And yes, I bitch and moan about wanting to be happy and finding a good man, and then I find a guy like C-Boy and waste my time (because yes, that's all he was/is, a waste of my fucking time, and of my HEART for that matter), and for you, it's like watching a horror movie, throwing your popcorn at the screen, shouting, "Girl, DON'T GO DOWN THOSE STAIRS!!!" It's so damn obvious to those who are on the outside looking in....but for me, when I'm actually wrapped up IN it, it's not that clear cut. Because see, when I love someone, it's because I see the good in them. Or at least I think I do.

But more often than not, I'm completely wrong.

I'm putting my faith in the wrong damn places--and in the wrong damn people. My radar is completely off these days. And that makes me wonder: when the right guy DOES come along, will I be able to recognize him?

And why does someone who is relatively smart is other areas of her life become so freakin' STUPID when it comes to being in love?