Monday, September 21, 2009

The age-old question

Okay, maybe it's not THE age-old question--we're not talking the chicken and the egg here--however, it's a question that has been debated through the years and will continue to be argued about for years to come:

If you know someone is cheating on a spouse, do you tell that person? If you are friends with them both, what do you do?

In short, here's the situation: they are both friends of mine, and the husband has told the wife that things are "pretty much" over. However, per the battle of the sexes, the wife was still holding out hope that things could be worked out--whilethe husband, in his own head, thought he had been perfectly CLEAR that he was done.

And I knew for a fact that he had been stepping out with his new "girlfriend" this weekend.

It would devastate his wife, my friend, to know this, but here's the thing: if she didnt find out from me, she WOULD have found out, because let's just say that there were a LOT of our social group out when he decided to do "fraternize" in public with the new girl on Friday, and he was, clearly, cold busted. And frankly, teachers gossip (me included), and she was going to hear about it. So do I tell her, as the person who is closest to her out of the group? Or do I stay quiet and let her hear about it otherwise, and then be there to pick up the pieces?

I chose the first option. I know that there are people out there who may disagree with me but--this girl has been there for me through all of MY drama--which does not even come close to equaling the end of a MARRIAGE and I fucking get that--but trust me, she was going to hear about it, and I decided I wanted her to hear it from me.

And it was ugly, and it sucked, and I can't even talk about it....other than to say that I cant even imagine getting married. EVER. Because if I thought that ending a regular relationship was bad....have you ever been there when someone really, truly realizes that her marriage is over? It's gut wrenching.

My heart is broken right now, and I just pray, literally PRAY, that I did the right thing. She assured me that I did, but....fuck.

I hurt for her. More than I can say. I can only be there for her....and it may not even help that much because, shit, her life is going to suck for a WHILE. But I hope that I can help, even a little. And I hope that I did the right thing. And....fuck. Just say a prayer for my friend, who is hurting. And pray that I am the best friend to her that I can be...whatever that may entail because fuck if *I* know right now.


Renee said...

I'm all teary. You did the right thing. I would want to hear it gently from a friend because they cared rather than a bunch of gossiping coworkers.

OMG that's so sad. Just be there for her and let her bawl her heart out to you. You said it may not help that much, but it'll help more than you think, just for you to be there for her. I feel like *I* want to give her a hug, ya know? Gah.

It's got to be doubly hard because you're friends with HIM, too. I would imagine you probably feel like you have to pick sides and that's never a good feeling. But you DID do the right thing, IMO. He may be pissed at you for telling her, but he chose to cheat and it's not cool and a person shouldn't be expected to WITNESS the cheating and not say anything. That's fucked up. And it's fucked up that he flaunted his new piece of ass in front of people he works with.

Sending you and your friend big hugs :-(

anna said...

Dang. That is Rough. That Sucks. Divorce is so sad. Cheating is so sad. Ick.

You are so brave. I don't think I could've told her. But agree with everything that Renee commented - better to hear it from a friend than gossiping coworkers, the guy shouldn't be flaunting the new girl, etc. Man, I feel for her and for you.

anna said...

So this makes me wonder - if your friends knew your husband was cheating on you - would you want us to tell you?

I know it's messed up but I don't think I want to be told. I Totally trust Tim and don't think he Ever would. But if he did, I think I'd want him to stop, get over it and never let me find out.

Renee said...

You bitches better tell me! LOL. I'd feel hurt and even MORE betrayed if you knew and didn't tell me.

Jen said...

I would want to know, too. Which was kind of my moral compass through this whole thing. Especially since so many people DO know, and if she DID find out and then, on top of that, knew that *I* she was there for me through Shawnapalooza, and I heard, many MANY times, LOL, her opinion on the whole thing--and cheating in general.

Jen said...

PS--Nee, that's why John and I carry on our affair right in front of you. ;)

But seriously, I've been feeling increasingly bitter towards men stuff, my friend's stuff, ANOTHER friend of mine is having problems (they aren't married but they've been together for like 3 years--he's being a "doucher" as April would say)....sometimes I feel like it's not a matter of IF a guy is a jerk, it's only a matter of WHEN and how long until he reveals it...but then I think of guys like Tim and John and I feel a little better.

Renee said...

LOL. Exactly. If it's up front and I know about it, I can choose whether or not it's okay. You and John? Perfectly fine. Anyone else and John? I become the next Lorena Bobbit :-)

They aren't all douchers, as much as it may feel like it sometimes. LOL. Unfortunately, those are the only ones you're attracted to. LOLOLOL. What ever happened to that fluffy guy you were talkin to around girls' weekend?

Anonymous said...

The whole thing sucks but you are a good friend and a good person.

Jen said...

Oh he is still in the picture....I just dont talk about him much cuz I'M still figuring out where it's going. Yes, we're actually moving SLOW. LOL

Renee said...

That makes me SMILY!! He's soooo cute :-)

Jen said...

He's actually meeting some friends tomorrow (Friday) night.