Happy Birthday...
...to my daughter.
Amanda is 13 years old today. A teenager.
(Oh, wait. For those who don't know, I had a daughter when I was 16 and gave her up for adoption. Okay, now you're all caught up to speed.)
And she still doesn't know the truth about who I am, which sucks. The older she gets, the harder it is to be around her without her knowing the real, full connection between the two of us. (For the record, she was supposed to have been told that she was adopted YEARS ago...but her adopted mother keeps backing out. She, the mom, has readily admitted that SHE isn't ready for Amanda to know the truth...mind you, Amanda herself has come right out before and asked if she was adopted. But I digress, only because talking about it just makes me angrier.) Anyway, it's very hard for me to be around this woman and even fake "niceness" to her, because I'm so damn bitter that she still hasn't told Amanda who I am--or that she's adopted at all.
So all I can do is continue to sit back and wait not-so-patiently, and watch Amanda grow up into this wonderful young woman (which I realize that I'm incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to do, even if it DOES hurt sometimes--at least I've been able to be a part of her life)...and reflect on the fact that, holy shit, I'm old enough to have a TEENAGE DAUGHTER. (Like I wasn't ALREADY feeling old.)
4 comments:
Happy Birthday Amanda! one day the truth will come out and you and Amanda can really start a new bond together. Best wishes Jen. YOu are a great person and should be very proud of who you are!
LoB--I actually do get to see her now...usually about once a year, around her birthday. She just knows me as "Jenny" though (although sometimes I suspect that she may know more than she lets on--she has a much older brother who knows she's adopted and I wonder sometimes if he's spilled the beans....and once, when she was younger, out of the blue, she asked if I was her mommy (her adopted mom wasn't around); I told her, "Andrea's your mommy," which was technically the truth, but I also hated to have to "lie" to her....still, I have to go along with how THEY want to handle it, because legally, they're under no obligation to let me see her at all, and I can't afford to alienate them.
Thanks everyone. =-)
Wow, I take a week off from blogging, and look what I miss. I had no idea, Jen, what an incredibly difficult thing to have to endure. I couldn't do it - you're a very strong person.
Happy Birthday, Amanda. I hope you get to meet your mother soon.
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