For Amanda.

Tonight's episode of 20/20 was dedicated to open adoption. It follows a 16-year-old girl as she interviews families, chooses one and signs the papers. We actually see her handing over her son to his new family.

For those of you who don't know, this show hits incredibly close to home. It opens up a wound that, even 11 years later, is still quite raw and, quite honestly, always will be. You don't get "over" something like that; you may move on with your life, but you never forget and you're never okay. Just because it's the right decision doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

Here's a link to the "article" version of the show. I think the show does an incredible job of portraying open adoption--the pros and the cons; and, most importantly, it shows the birthmother's side, not just the adoptive parents'. Everyone always has sympathy for what infertile couples go through, those who desperately want a child and, for whatever reason, can't have one. But rarely is the birthmother's situation explored--and, when it is, it's not always in a positive light. ("How can someone give up their baby?") This show really showed the inner turmoil and heartbreak that a birthmother goes through in order to provide her baby with a better life.

I may not have a child, but I am, and will always be, someone's mommy.

My Story

I want to know what love is...sort of.

I'm a commitmentphobe. At least, that's what Katie Couric told me. Apparently, certain things happen in your childhood that make you more prone to this (I'm not going to get into all of THAT, but those of you who know me really well can probably figure it out). My "fear of commitment" can be resolved, according to Katie Couric and the Today show....but you have to commit to long-term therapy. And therein lies the problem.

Now the whole "commitmentphobe" thing was kind of surprising for me to learn. I mean, I've been searching for love throughout a good part of my dating career...and it's not exactly a secret that I very much look forward to getting married and starting a family. But yet, when a good thing DOES come along, I generally go out of my way to mess it up (namely, by picking fights and pushing him away). I also tend to go after men who are "ungettable," either geographically or emotionally. (That's all I'm going to say about that.)

It's not just in relationships, though. I don't commit to ANYTHING for very long. I get incredibly excited and gung-ho about a particular idea or project, I'll devote myself to it for days, sometimes weeks--and then I get bored and drop it. This web log, for example...if I suddenly stop writing in it, you'll know why. The only "commitment" I've stuck to in recent memory was the decision to return to school and become a teacher (and I'm not finished yet--so don't get too excited until this time next year).

I don't know WHY I refuse to follow through on anything meaningful. I could probably figure it out if I analyzed it long enough...but that would take quite awhile and frankly, I'm ready to move on to something else.

Dental damn.

I went and got a tooth pulled today. After taking almost a bottle of ibuprofin in the last week, I figured it was time to do something about it. And since it's the very back tooth on the top right--which no one is ever gonna see anyway--I didn't want to spend the hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a root canal.

It actually wasn't too bad--and I am a HUGE wimp when it comes to pain. And doctors. I asked if he could prescribe me something for the "discomfort" I'm going to feel as soon as the shots wear off, and he asked me what I wanted. (Whoo hoo! I get to CHOOSE? This is my kind of dentist!) "Crack?" I asked hopefully. (Seriously, I need something STRONG.) He countered with Tylenol 3. Fine, whatever.

So, the tooth that has caused me extreme agony for the last week--and has brought me to three different dentists--is gone. I asked if I could keep it for the Tooth Fairy (after all, this extraction isn't paying for itself), but the assistant said something about it being a "bio hazard." Damn.

Brace yourself.

I'm Polish, I'm blonde and I'm starting an online journal. This could get ugly.

I used to write a lot. Every day, actually. And I've realized that I miss it. Some of my friends, "these people I know," ;) have blogs. And I decided that, hell, I might as well do it too.

I mean, my life is definitely...interesting, to say the least. Sometimes I wish it were a little less so. Between me, my friends and my family, there's ALWAYS some shit going on. And maybe someone out there will find my life to be good reading (in a hideous, car-accident-on-the-side-of-the-highway, "I should turn away but dammit, I just can't" kind of way).

Plus, sometimes there are things that are difficult to talk about with those who are closest to you (to their faces, anyway). There are some people that I can't be as honest with as I would like; there are others that I am TOO honest with. Now, if you really want to know what I'm thinking or feeling--you can. And if you don't--well, then I won't unload all of my drama on you (unless it's something really, really juicy).

I hope this doesn't suck.