Tuesday, December 01, 2009

A "slight" update

So....to make a very long story short, my roommate and I have had a falling out, and I have 2 weeks to move out (not even. More like 12 days).

Everything was going perfectly, literally perfectly, till very recently. She disapproves of Chad, basically. What I hadn't told you guys yet, because I didn't even know myself what was going to come of this whole thing, is that he got out of jail about 2 months ago for drugs (dealing). He told me everything the night we met, because he said I deserved to know everything about him and his background so I could decide if I even wanted to keep talking to him that night or just walk away. The way I was raised, and the way I am as a person, is that it's not my job to judge others. I've made some mistakes in my past that *I* would not like to be judged by/for/on, and it's not my place to judge him or his "value." If nothing else, he needs a friend right now. Every single action of his so far has shown me that he truly does want to turn his life around--that he made an incredible mistake that almost ruined his life for good, and he intends to do everything he can to take advantage of the opportunity he has now. In fact, he wants to return to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor, so he can use his past experiences to help others (although right now, he's just trying to find a job; as we all know, it's a tough job market out there for anyone at the moment, let alone someone with his past).

And yes, we really are just friends, for the record. We've talked about "us" quite a bit already, and although we've become really close in the last month or so and have spent a LOT of time together, we also know that jumping into a relationship is not great for either of us. He knows I need time to get to know him and see if he is serious about making a change--and on his end, he's trying to pick up the pieces of his life, so adding a relationship to that is obviously the least of his concerns. To paraphrase what he told me, he feels like absolute shit about himself right now and as though he has absolutely nothing to bring to the table right now, in terms of an equal partnership/relationship....kind of the whole "you have to love yourself to truly love someone else" thing. And he said that this could very well be the start of something; but right now, he has to start rebuilding his life. However, he also tells me on a daily basis that he's so grateful he met me, that it means the world to him that I DO listen to him without judgement, and allow him to vent and figure things out, sometimes in his OWN head, and that I believe he can be successful. He also said that my friends and I (he's met many of them at this point) are exactly the kind of people he needs to surround himself with right now as he builds his new life.

Soooo....I made the mistake (in hindsight) of telling April about his past. I honestly thought that she'd keep an open mind as well (even if she wasn't thrilled with his past cuz let's face it, who would be? *I* don't love it myself). However, she told me on Sunday evening that he is not welcome in our apartment at all, for any length of time, period, which led to an argument. I called her judgemental and she called me naive. I said it was people like her who made it impossible for people like him TO change his life around, and that it must be nice to have lived a life that's free of any kind of mistakes and regrets. I pointed out that she'd barely ever spoken a word to him (not just when he was here, which frankly wasn't that often anyway, but when we'd be out with friends or whatever as well) or made any true attempt to get to know him, and she replied that she already knew everything she needed/wanted to know about him.

That was Sunday. I told her I thought she was overreacting by banning him from the apartment completely but if that's what she wanted, so be it, at which point I took off to go talk to him and cool off. (For the record, the argument we had definitely involved raised voices on both sides, but I actually thought I did a pretty damn good job at keeping it adult and civil.) By the time I got back later that night, she was in bed, and then I was in bed by the time she returned last night. We exchanged a couple of texts, primarily about the dog (had she been out recently, etc--I also told her that although I did care about Chad, I also didn't want this to jeopardize either our friendship or our living situation) but that was it.

Then tonight, she came home around 8:00 (with a friend of hers, another teacher at our school by the way). She knocked on my door; I thought she was coming in for a nice little heart to heart and instead she said that she felt it was best that I leave, and that I had 12 days in which to do it (for the record, her name is the only one on the lease because my credit kinda sucks, but we got this place together and it was "ours"). Her reasoning is that her parents are "horrified" that I'm living here, exposing her to "those kinds of people" and "putting her in danger". I pointed out that I'd agreed not to bring him here anymore so the entire point/discussion seemed moot to me, and she said yes, but she knows I'm still hanging out with him, and she doesn't want to live with someone who allow people like that into their life. But mostly it's her parents, it seems. They dont want their daughter living with someone who associates with people like that (aka flawed) and now they "fear for her safety" (although he doesn't have anything violent in his background or on his record, period).

So...there you have it. I have until we leave for Christmas break in 12 days to get packed and moved. To say I'm in shock doesn't even begin to cover how I feel right now. I mean, if he was an actual drug dealer STILL, and I was running around slinging hash with him and joining him in drive-bys when I wasn't busy shooting up, that's one thing. But I certainly don't think that he's a bad person today because of what happened in his past (a red flag? Sure. Something to watch very carefully? Absolutely. But does it mean that he's not worth getting to know or that he CAN'T make something out of his life? Absolutely NOT). And I CERTAINLY certainly don't think that I'M a bad person because of it.

This all just went down tonight and I'm really shell-shocked....but you know, she isn't the kind of person that *I* thought she was and she's not someone I want to live with, let alone be friends with. It sucks that I only have 12 days but frankly, I don't want to be here anymore anyway. Most of the people who HAVE met him actually like him and, again, are keeping an open mind, which is all I ever wanted from her. But if she's this quick to judge people (not just him but, let's face it, she's judging ME as well now, and that I'm no longer worth having as a friend OR a roommate)--well, that's not the kind of person I want in MY life. You know what? I would much rather be TOO trusting and naive and caring than be that judgemental of others, even if it means my getting hurt (which I have in the past and I'm sure I will again) because of that trust.

So....there you go. I really didn't even want to tell you guys about this (his past), if only because I wanted you to know him for who he is today and who he desperately wants to be in the future, rather than who he was. I KNOW there's the chance that he will go back to that lifestyle, and HE knows that that's something I would not be able to stand by or stick around for....and I really think I would know if he did start it up again because quite frankly, he was not selling a little pot on the side before. He had a pretty major business going, and if he gets a job as a server, let's say, he'd have a really hard time hiding or explaining a sudden, dramatic increase in the his income...not to mention the fact that he's been nothing but up front with me so far. Trust me on this, he even tells me when he has the CHANCE to do something but turns it down. Now that he's been out for a while, some of his old contacts are starting to call, asking if he can get this or that, and he keeps saying no. And guys, I would never ever ever justify that kind of behavior but right now, he has NOTHING. And it takes a lot of balls to say no to a single phone call that could bring in hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars when you are so down and out. And he's DOING it. And I actually admire that kind of strength and determination. And as long as he's trying to turn it around, I'm perfectly willing to be a friend to him while he does. And if it becomes more than that, we'll see.

And yes, I KNOW I can get hurt here. But I am who I am, and I'm not sorry for that. I have a big heart (if not a big brain, ha ha), and I care about people, and I can see the good in them. Yes, I DO still believe that most people, at their core, are good, and I will always believe that, even when it does bite me in the ass (and even if others can't or won't see that good in them). I've lived too flawed a life to even think about judging others, and that's one of the things that I think my friends--my TRUE friends--value about me the most...that I will always listen with an open mind and never judge them, their decisions or their actions.

Because that's just how I roll.


Kishelle said...

Wow. I would have to say, well I do'nt know April, but she is being the naieve one. People like Chad slip through the cracks and repeat the same process if they don't have people like you to be there for them and introduce them to a new life. she doesn't know him, or his background and is being very judgemental if you ask me. I understand her concern to an extent, but she has taken it way way too far. Jen - you are not one to sit back and just take stuff, so i am proud of you for standing up for something you believe in and someone you believe in. You know how i feel about the judgemental crap. It grinds me to the core that people can't get second chances without people like April already having pegged their future mistakes. I mean, if he keeps on the right track, what an amazing testimant he can be to other kids. He can turn something negative into a postive and IF he doesn't keep on the right track, well that is for you to worry about and deal with, not April. i mean he isn't a convicted killer or something....I am proud to call you my friend and I am proud of you for seeing past people's mistakes. Love you and keep us posted. where are you going to move to girl?

Kishelle said...

BTW - excuse any spelling errors. it is early :)

anna said...

Your former roommate is seriously F'd up! What the hell?! How can she kick you out? And with so little time?! Total B*tch!

I don't see any problem with Chad. Drug dealing isn't a great career choice but how is it realy all that different from owning a liquor store, other than that it's illegal? I know, that comment is going to rub some people the wrong way. It's terrible what some drugs can do to some people. But mostly, I think people just use drugs recreationally. Again, not a good career move. It sucks that he had to do time for it. But he's done his time and he's cleaned himself up. I'm glad you're giving him a chance and I think everyone else should too.

I'm worried about your living situation Way more than about Chad's past. What the hell are you going to do in the quick week and a half before you go? Can you get April to change her mind or at least let you leave your stuff there until after the holidays to give you time to plan where to move to? I mean, does she want you to be homeless living out of a box on the curb?! I can't believe her!

I'm praying that this goes right for you and that you find a good place to live. Maybe you'll get a nice Christmas miracle...

Renee said...

I'm with the brilliant Kish and Anna. WTF?!

I'm so PISSED at her right now I can't even think straight. But you know what? I think it's ILLEGAL to give less than 30 days to get out. Don't quote me for sure, but it's worth checking into.

I don't even know what to say right now. Where are you gonna GO?! I can't believe this is the same person with whom you decided this would be your final destination EVER and if either of you got married they'd have to move in with you guys. And it takes something as little as THIS to make her not want to live with you anymore? Yes, I understand her concern. But that's all it SHOULD be. And it's something that she should voice, letting you know she's concerned and to keep your eyes open for any signs of falling back into it and let it be. If he were dealing out of your apartment, that would be a whole 'nother story :-)

What makes her think she's so much better than everyone? I am so pissed. And I'm so sorry you're finding out what kind of person she is NOW.

You wanna come live with us? Your commute would be kinda long, but...

Jen said...

You know, at this point, I just want to get the hell out of here. Honestly. I'll figure something out. And seriously, she's become so stark raving lunatic-y that it's almost entertaining. I HAVE to sit back and laugh so I don't fuckin go all crazy on her ass. Shit, I'll sit back and let her make a damn fool out of herself. I came home tonight; she was in bed, but there were boxes all over the dining room table. Subtle. Seriously, I just stood there and laughed. This really IS a blessing in disguise. At least I know what kind of person she is now, rather than later. Every now and then, situations come up that make you realize who your true friends are. This is one of those times. She's not someone I want in my life, so whatever. Thank you for showing your true colors NOW. Fuck.

I went over to Chad's after our spelling bee tonight (it was way earlier this year), and we just sat out on his porch and talked for about 4 hours. I broke the news to him about my "eviction" and man, he was blown away. He feels sooo bad right now. At one point, I just looked at him and said, "Bitch, you got me kicked out of my damn house," and we just laughed for like 20 minutes--like, the tears-streaming-down-faces kind of laughter. "Yeah, I f*cked your world all up, didn't I," he said thoughtfully. We sat there for a minute, looked at each other out of the corner of our eyes and just lost it again. You HAVE to laugh, you know? YOu can't let it beat you down.

I found a place KNOCK ON WOOD today. LOL. I don't fuck around. You tell a bitch to leave and she's gone, damn it. She gave me 12 days--I intend to do it in as short a period of time as I can. Anyway, my application is in--because of my credit history there may be some hiccups, but she said they were totally willing to work with me (I dropped the "t" word--teacher--people LOVE teachers.) Pray--literally PRAY--that this place comes through and I can get out ASAP.

anna said...

I AM Totally praying that you'll get this new place! Way to get on it and find something! You are so positive through this whole hard experience - you're Amazing!

I Love the idea that you're moving out and crazy b*tch is gonna be f'd for half the rent next month. That's the bright side for me to look at right now ;)

Keep us posted!

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you.

and thanks for the props. :-)

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you.

and thanks for the props. :-)

Anonymous said...


Jen said...

Things were actually decent with us tonight. i think it's cuz I was drunk. LOL no, I'm kidding. Sort of. I think it's cuz she knows I've found a place and that this whole thing isn't going to drag on and become an issue. I'm not gonna argue or resist or cause a scene. She doesnt have to "kick" me out. My ass is gone. ;)

The only thing that makes me really sad about this is that I have to put my guitar lessons on hold. Yeah, it sucks. A lot. But I'm still gonna play. I have the book and honestly, most of the work is done at home with the book anyway. It's just an expense I wont be able to swing now, at least not right away. we'll see down the road. Until then, Sadie Blu and I will just keep on keepin' on. Soon, I'll have a whole apartment (with no furniture, LOL) with which to practice.

Renee said...

Damn! You SO could have used all of Brad's shit. If only she would have shown her true colors a few short months ago...

Any word on the new place?