Please, sir, may I have another?

The good news: I've recovered from the flu, as evidenced by the fact that I ate--and kept down--chicken wings at my post-work "meeting" today (which, by the way, lasted for a record 5 hours--yeah, we had a lot to talk about). Whoo hoo! However, now that I'm over THAT, I have an ear infection (which could explain my recent dizziness and light-headedness). LOL--Brandi, are you adding this to the book?

It's not official yet, but I've been tugging on my left ear like a little kid since Sunday night (after a not-so-smart weekend swim in relatively cold weather). Finally, during our planning period at the end of the day, one of the moms on my team noticed what I was doing ("Uh-oh, I know what THAT means. Let's go"), marched me down to the nurse's office (never mind that, technically, I'm their supervisor--when it comes to stuff like this, they TOTALLY baby me; it's kind of cute) and told her to check out my ear. While I indignantly informed them that I was fine and that this whole thing was "gay," Nurse K. put her light-stick-thing down my left ear and actually WHISTLED before announcing, "Dude, there's some shit going on in there" (no kids were around, obviously) and telling me to go to the doctor for some medicine.

I protested, "But I haven't had an ear infection in YEARS."

(Sidebar: since the COLIN RAYE CONCERT, Mother. Remember that? When I had a fever of 105, an asthma attack, malaria, the Eboli virus, leprosy AND a double ear infection and you were all like, "Bitch, sit down and suck it up, I ain't leaving Colin Raye"? Remember that? But I digress.)

And Nurse K. said, "Well, you're making up for it now. You got a situation in your ear."

"You got a situation in your ear"????? THAT'S a diagnosis now?

As it happens, I have an appointment to see my doctor either this week or next; I have to call to find out for sure. I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later because apparently, I have a situation in my left ear.

But other than THAT, I feel pretty damn good. I had a 5-hour talk with The Girls (and one Very Hot Guy) today, and I'll tell you what, it sure as hell opened my eyes. I LOVE my Florida friends. Don't worry, Girl Tribunal--when you can't be here to physically slap the shit out of me, they do it for you. =-)

My new book idea

It just came to me last night, and I've been revising the title in my head all day to get it just right.

"He Broke Your Heart--You Break His Kneecaps: Using karate to turn heartache* into a black belt."

THERE'S your best seller. LOL

*I originally had "to turn a broken heart into a black belt," because that would be comparing two nouns, 2 specific THINGS--but then it would be repeating the first part of my title. I am open to suggestions, though.

Please indulge me

I've tried really hard not to make this blog a pity party after the latest (and final) breakup with Lying Cheating Bastard. But tonight, it's hard and so I have to say:

I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss SHAWN. Not the cheating, lying, deceitful LCB, but the OTHER Shawn, the one who kept me ignoring my instincts and keeping my blinders on. The Shawn who made me laugh more and harder than any other boyfriend ever did. The Shawn I'd have so much fun with. The one who knew me surprisingly well. The one who made me smile. The one who gave me butterflies every time he called. emailed or texted or I walked in the door.

He was an almost daily part of my life for quite a while--not that long in the grand scheme of things, not a long time compared to the relationships some of YOU have had--but he was still a significant part of my life, for a long time for ME. And now, to have him gone just like that, it sucks. And the WAY it ended is what truly sucks. He took our friendship, he took my trust, and he threw it away. (Truth be told, he had probably done that long before he admitted to it.) It's like he erased all of the good memories with that one single act. And that's not even accurate. Those good times aren't ERASED. They're SULLIED.* And that's even worse.

I hate knowing that that guy, that this relationship--and all the good times that went along with it--all ended with him cheating with someone at work (and, again, there's a good chance that there were others). It's weird to have that dual-image in my head--the good Shawn and the bad Shawn. The one who made me so incredibly happy and the one who broke my heart.

I think, overall, I'm doing okay. I mean, hell, as I write this, it's only been 6 days since I got that email. In the last week, I've gone out with friends several times, seen my little sister and picked up a new hobby. I've gotten out of the house almost every day. Compared to how I would have reacted to a breakup (hell, how I HAVE acted), I'm recovering very well for just 6 days in. But I'm also wondering if maybe I'm staying TOO busy, and if, in keeping myself from really thinking about it, I'm actually holding myself back from getting over it. There's gotta be a happy medium between "bouncing right back" and "wallowing in misery," and I don't think I've quite found it yet.

Like I said, I know I'll be fine, I know the day will come when I barely think of him, and if I DO, it won't hurt. But right now...I can't believe it's only been 6 days. I swear to God, it's almost like time has slowed to a crawl. I'm trying to fill up my days, and it's almost like, the more I do, the slower time goes. Shouldn't it be going the other way?

And furthermore: how could the guy who made me so happy also be the same one who hurt me so deeply?

Right now, I miss him so much that my chest hurts.

*Mad props for the use of the word "sullied"

Karate Kid

I started my karate lessons tonight.

(I'll pause here to give some of you time to stop laughing...and you know who you are, bitches.)

One of the local dojos offered those of us involved in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program a special rate--and I jumped on it. In the time between learning about this offer and actually starting tonight--well, as we know, some shit hit the fan. And as any Breakup Expert (like me) will tell you, finding a hobby and something to focus your time and energy on can be a crucial step in the healing process. So can taking care of yourself physically, getting in shape, etc. Well, this takes care of both. And if I can do all that for $25 a month (and that includes 3 classes a week), I'm definitely in.

I went tonight originally to fill out the paperwork, get my uniform, etc. Well, the sensei, Annie, stayed and worked with me one on one for about an hour (after the advanced group finished). And THAT was awesome--because now, when I start MY first real class on Saturday, I'll at least be somewhat familiar with some of the basic turns and moves. Plus--it was ONE ON ONE. With a real black belt. It was SWEET.

And I gotta tell you--I wasn't half bad. She commented a couple of times that, for my first night, I was hitting a lot of the positions pretty well. And at one point, as she was demonstrating a particular move, she told me to put my hand on her shoulder as she pulled down on my arm (obviously, we used my left arm for this). She said that as she pulled down on my arm, I had to resist by pushing back up against her. Well, this lady is a 4th degree black belt, and she had to really pull down hard. "Wow," she said. "You're stronger than you look." (Was that a compliment or an insult? LOL) And when we stand in the starting position (which is actually a lot like ballet, with your heels together and your feet pointing outward), I noticed that it's actually a little difficult for me to keep my heels totally together because my calf muscles kind of get in the way (from all the walking I do). So maybe I'm not as completely out of shape as I initially feared. "I'm not the most coordinated person in the world," I confessed as we were walking out. "Then this is exactly where you need to be," she answered.

Oh--and speaking of body parts getting in the way: my boobs are already quite the hindrance. Once the last male student had left, I turned to her and confessed that I was having an issue with certain moves. I also told her that standing up straight with my shoulders back was difficult for me psychologically, since self-conscious about that area and I'm used to kind of hunching forward and disguising/hiding my breastal area. She said that yes, larger-breasted women DO have to find a way to "compensate" for that particular "handicap" in certain moves but that it CAN be done. (She also tactfully suggested that I invest in a very sturdy sports bra.) As for the more mental aspect of it: karate is all about being strong, self-confident and poised. "I can tell that you're not that way now," she said. "But you will be."

As I walked out of my first lesson (which, again, was basically one-on-one with the sensei, which is a very rare and special opportunity--but she has a small and more private, personal dojo, which I love), I realized: holy crap, this is absolutely PERFECT for me. It will help me rebuild my self-confidence and self-esteem after being unceremoniously dropped earlier this week; it gives me something else to think about, even if it's only for an hour; it gives me an outlet into which I can direct my anger, pain and frustration; and it gets me out of the house. So frankly, right now, I am SO EXCITED about it and feel like I may just be embarking on something pretty big, something that could be a part of my identity, of who I am.

"But Jen," some of you may be thinking. "You just told us that you're coming off of a manic high--which is characterized, in part, by the tendency to throw yourself into a particular endeavor full speed ahead--only to get bored with it once you come back down again. I know you're all about becoming the next Ralph Macchio NOW--but what happens once your brain chemistry stabilizes again? Are you going to drop it?"

I'm not going to say that that's out of the realm of possibility. But honestly, I feel as though this attraction to karate is more than just a manic reflex. I truly feel that this is calling to me for a whole different reason--one that will prove to be more than just a passing phase. In fact, as we were leaving, Sensei said that that's why she stayed late with me--because she could tell that I was "a sponge," soaking it all in. (And there's SO MUCH to take in, obviously--not just the moves themselves but the words for those moves, etc. It's literally like learning a second language.)

And it's awesome, because this woman is, obviously, in great shape--thin, of course, and strong. And this--karate--is all she does to stay in shape. Now, I'm going to keep up with my walking, of course--but I have to tell you, that after just an hour of karate, I'm already feeling it. I feel it the most in my stomach--standing up straight with my shoulders back automatically makes my stomach muscles tighten up and constrict. And just from the basic moves she showed me tonight, I can tell that my arms are going to get an incredible workout, too. The deliberate, controlled movements work muscles that I didn't even know I had. (I'm also getting sore because we were actually sparring--but, since I didn't know any of the moves, she would basically arrange me in a certain position like I was a poseable Ken doll, tell me to throw a punch--and then she'd block it by twisting, hitting and kicking various parts of my body. And I gotta say, I took it pretty well. Oooh! And she showed me how I could take down a man using just one strategically placed finger. And, if I had someone on their back, how to place that finger to prevent them from being able to get up, regardless of their size or strength.)

Overall: I am SO EXCITED. I'm going to practice some of the moves she showed me tonight and tomorrow. It's funny, because she said that with time, everything about me will subtly change--the way I walk, the way I stand, etc. I think that this will do incredible things for my self-confidence--it will remind me of both my inner and outer strength. It will give me something larger than myself to focus on.

(FYI: she said to plan on being a white belt for a good 7-8 months. So I have a lot of work ahead of me. Oh--and this "type" of karate, isshin ryu, has just 4 belts: white, green, brown, and black--although you may earn "stripes" on certain belts before moving up, so that each color may have more than one step).

Check out http://www.isshinryuinfortmyers.com/instructors to see Sensei Annie. She's a total badass. =-)

Oops

So. First I should come clean (with those of you who don't know) and say that I got back with Lying Bastard shortly after my return to Florida. However, that blew up in my face in SPECTACULAR fashion yesterday when he informed me that he slept with someone else over the weekend and, in fact, was leaving me for her.

Awesome.

Needless to say, I was a bit upset yesterday. (And still am, but hell, it's my own damn fault. I was almost asking for it, really. "I SUSPECT you're cheating on me, but since I still have SOME measure of self-respect left, let's get back together so you can take care of that. That way, I can hang in there until you ADMIT that you're cheating on me--and then you can kick me when I'm down by telling me that after 6 months of not quite being able to commit to me, you're ready to become exclusive with her after just a FUCKING WEEK. How's that? Sound like a plan?")

Ahem.

Anyway, I went to my already-scheduled Crazy Doc appt. today. After talking to me for a few minutes, she informed me that I was in the middle of a manic episode and actually had been for at least the last week or so--well before this Lying Bastard shit hit the fan. I knew that I had been feeling--not depressed, exactly, but more apathetic--I just didn't feel like going out, I wasn't calling people back, etc. On top of that, however, I've been up all night, unable to sleep; I've been spending money like I'm freakin' Paris Hilton or some shit--and a few other things that are the hallmark of "up" episodes. Ironically, I am just 10 days or so from the one-year anniversary of my breakup with Dave--and, of course, the famous episode that sent me into treatment in the first place (shout out to the nice officers of the Estero Police Department. Holla!). So, I'm almost extra bummed to find out that I'm struggling with it again, since it's been a full year--which, in hindsight, is the longest I've gone my whole LIFE without a "freak out" or "melt down" or "temper tantrum" (as I would have called it before). I know that bipolar disorder is never cured, and even with medicine, you're almost guaranteed to have future episodes--the key, though, is to recognize the symptoms early and deal with it before it becomes more severe. And luckily, we caught it in time. But still, I've been all proud of myself for being "normal" this last year.

Dr. L did say, though, that it was a good thing I came in when I did, since already being in an episode and then having this added emotional "strain" added to it probably would have sent me into a much more severe, um, situation.

The funny part is that during our last appt. about 5 weeks ago, she had written me a script for a particular "sleeping pill"--you all remember me talking about it, I'm sure. It's the stuff that totally knocked me on my ass. Well, it's a special sleeping pill for people with BP--however, I thought it was an "as needed" kind of pill. As she was reviewing my chart today, she said, "Okay, so right now you're on the Lamictal and the Seroquel--" and I interrupted her and said, "No, not really." She gave me her over-the-glasses look and I clarified, "I only take that Seroquel stuff when I really need it and honestly, once my samples ran out, I just kind of stopped and went back to the Unisom and stuff."

She looked at me like I was a dullard and informed that I was supposed to be taking that EVERY NIGHT. "It's part of what helps to control your disease," she said. "It makes sure you're getting enough sleep every night, which is crucial for people with BP, but it also helps to regulate your brain chemistry during the day."

Ooops. My bad. =-)

So, yeah--I filled that script on my way home, LOL. And I'm fittin' to take one right now, actually, since I slept for, oh, 2 hours last night.

I'll be okay (both crazy-wise and heartbreak-wise)...but it may take a while.

Surprise, surprise

Just when I think things are on an upswing in the romance department....they drastically head south. What else is new?

Yes, folks, it's true. Shawn is no longer in the picture. Let's just say that I found some raunchy texts on his phone that were neither to nor from me.

(I should stop here to say that I truly had a non-psycho reason for playing with his phone. See, his phone was originally MINE. I had ordered a new phone through T-Mobile but then put it aside because it's so much work to switch over phones. Then Shawn's phone died and since he also had T-Mobile, I said he could just take mine. When I was over there last night, I was playing with it after he went to bed (I'm usually up later)--checking out the features it had, the layout, the ease of use; basically comparing it to mine to see how good of a phone it was, since I hadn't so much as turned it on before giving it away. I went into the message section, just as I had explored every other section in the menu--truly innocently, not thinking I would find anything--and I was sorely mistaken. I saw these messages and my first thought was "WTF?!" (Literally, I thought the letters "W-T-F." And then, in the midst of all this, I laughed at myself, thinking that I clearly needed to cut down on my emailing and texting.)

Anyway. After he called me his girlfriend, referred to this thing as a "relationship," called me "all his," told his parents about me, and started calling, texting and hanging out more frequently, I--silly me--assumed I was his girlfriend and that this was, in fact, a relationship. Not a SERIOUS one, mind you, but that we were at the least not dating other people. Well, I found these texts and called him on it--and man, you guys would have been so proud. I never once raised my voice, threw a plate, called him names, etc--I was calm and SANE. I just explained what *I* thought we were and that it seems he had a different point of view. He said yes, we were dating, and things were going great. He loved hanging out with me. However, he continued, he never meant to imply that it was exclusive. "I don't know why you thought I was looking for a serious relationship," he defended himself.

I don't know, jackass. Maybe because the headline on your Match.com profile is "Looking for a serious relationship"????????

And THEN, he said he didn't want to be exclusive because he "wasn't ready to go ring shopping yet."

(I shit you not.)

HUH??!!??!!?!?

First and foremost, I pointed out that he was a bit mixed up. ("Fucked up" would have been more accurate, but I digress.) "Exclusive" and "serious" were in no way synonymous. We could date only each other but still have it be the way it HAS been--casual, fun and light-hearted. Nothing would change. I told him (quite honestly) that "ring shopping" was not on MY agenda, either. (Frankly, I was thrown off balance to even have that thrown into the mix. WTF?) I then told him, calmly, that if he wanted to date around, he certainly had every right; however, I could not--STOP READING HERE, MOM--have a relationship of our particular nature knowing that he was "naturing" with other people, too. I'm done dating around and I'm looking for something more. I know myself, and knowing he was out on dates with other people and doing who knows what else would just hurt to much. It would, almost literally, drive me crazy. So I opted out.

I left a note for him this morning (this all went down at 3 am--long story), again very calmly reiterating my point of view. He seems to think I want this big, heavy, serious thing and I don't. I told him I want exactly what we've had the last couple of months but have it be just the two of us. That's all. No more, no less. I said I thought we had a good thing going and I was perfectly content just hanging out with him and seeing what happened--and if he didn't feel that way about me, it's better we found out now. I told him I truly hoped, if nothing else, that we could be still friends (shut up, guys--you know how I am). Really, everything went down as civil-y as they could have, considering the situation. Can I say again how proud of myself I am? =-)

So yes, I'm disappointed. I'm pretty damned bummed, actually. But, hey. It was two months. Shit happens. If he still feels the need to "look elsewhere," fuck him. Somewhere, there's a guy who won't.

(Thank God I never told him about the bipolar. Good call, Anna.)

Doing much better

Well, I'm over the worst of my heartbreak blues. Many conversations with those wiser than me have helped me to see that I'm truly better off. I may not be easy to be with sometimes (and the award for Understatement of the Year goes to...ME!!!), but there IS someone out there who will stand by me and who will love me BECAUSE of my flaws, not in spite of them. As much as I loved Dave, he was never really great or even dependable during the hard times (although the good times were REALLY good), and I'm looking for someone that I can lean on during all of it, good AND bad.

On an unrelated note: Star Jones is now admitting that she had gastric bypass. First of all--no SHIT. How else is someone going to lose like 300 lbs in a week? Secondly--does anyone really care? Seriously? Seems like *someone* can't handle being out of the spotlight for too long.

Still here...barely

You know that stupid poster of the kitten hanging on to the piece of rope and the caption is something like "Hang in there, baby!" I hate that poster but that's how I feel right now....I'm basically just hanging on by a thread.

I'm entering the dating world again so THAT should be tons o' fun.

My only real good news is that my pole is now up, I managed to get in an hour or two of practice before coming home to Michigan for two weeks--and the good news is that I CAN actually pole dance (or I'll definitely be able to within the next month, which the ladies who have already booked pole-dancing parties with me will be glad to hear).

It's nice to see family and friends again; I'm actually dreading going back to my "real" life.

Oh, well. Just another one of those trials-by-fire that makes you stronger...sure seems like I've had enough of those in my life but I guess I still have lessons to learn and growing to do.

Update

I know you've all been on the edge of your seats, but it looks like things may work out, after all.*

I'm back on the Quit Wagon (one hour and counting--whoot!).

Okay, you guys are allowed to talk again. =-)

*Hey...I promised y'all that this blog would never be boring--and 3 years later, I'm still keeping that promise! ;) (Although it was even MORE exciting when certain sisters and friends in MN actually POSTED, byatches.)

We're done....but don't ask me why

So we broke up last night. Yeah, out of the blue for me too. Sure, we had been kind of fighting this week but that was just because of me quitting....and it wasn't even that bad. I mean, we had a fight on Thursday but we were okay the next day....and I went over there last night, we had a GREAT night, deliriously in love as usual (I thought)...and then the shit hit the fan. I sent an email out to the usual group but...yeah. He won't even talk to me now so it doesn't look good. I still haven't been to bed, I'm beyond miserable.

I'm turning comments off for this one because honestly, there's not much anyone can say to help. I'm hurting pretty bad, I thought I found someone who truly loved me, my whole life just got turned upside down and I just have to...pick up the pieces and move on, I guess.

Needless to say, Operation Smoke Out has been put on hold. I honestly don't care much about anything right now, but a non-smoking speech would NOT go over well right now (Mother).

Be well, I'll talk to you all later.

So THIS is what a broken heart feels like....oh, wait, no, that's just bronchitis

This is another post that began as a reply to a comment, but I figured it was entertaining enough that it deserved it's own spot.

This thing with Dave was actually, for a few days there, a whole new level of pain for me. In fact, I actually went for two FULL days without eating. (And for ME, that's saying a lot.) =-) It was shaping up to be my most painful breakup ever (other than Cam, but what with the whole coma thing and all, that had a whole different set of issues). Anyway, it was weird, considering we were together for such a short period of time, but there was just something ABOUT him...plus, it's amazing how close you can get when you actually LET someone in and not push them away all the time.

HOWEVER, I'm glad to report that after a phone call last night (he called ME, thank you very much--mostly because, due to my lack of willpower, I deleted his number from my phone) and several emails, it sounds like this might just be a temporary thing rather than permanent...which makes me incredibly happy. He has some things to wrap up with his ex and the house in the next couple of weeks, plus a HUGE certification test at work, and he got to the point where he wanted to take a deep breath, slow down and fully resolve the issues of his OLD relationship before he could truly devote himself to his NEW one. However, I can confidently say that his love for me isn't, and never was, the problem. He's such a great guy.

On a rather humorous note (another one to file in the "Only Jen" category), I've had a hard time breathing since all of this went down--my chest has felt heavy, breathing was actually difficult and labored and I had a general pain in my chest. I wrote it off to, literally, a "broken heart" ("Wow," I thought, "Dave must REALLY be the one! I've never broken up with someone and been PHYSICALLY UNABLE to breathe!")...and then I realized, oh my God, I've been having an asthma attack for like 2 days! I was just so distracted with everything else, and it started at almost the same time that we broke up, so I just thought the "heaviness in my heart" was losing Dave. LOL. I'm such a 'tard.

I finally went to the doc after work yesterday (running down the hall to break up a fight yesterday afternoon literally depleted all of my remaining oxygen reserves and I could tell that I was in trouble) and walked out with--are you ready?--TEN different meds. They gave me breathing treatments, my pulse was REALLY high, my pulse-ox was down--they actually wanted to admit me to the hospital but I'm out of sick time so I told them I'd be fine if they loaded me up. Before I left, I got a steroid shot, more steroids to take home, about 5 different inhalors, etc....oh, and top of that, I have freakin' BRONCHITIS, too (which is disease #7 or something like that for March).

No wonder I felt so miserable the last few days. =-)

I'm a dork.

Another lesson learned

So Dave and I broke up. It was a hell of a 6 weeks, though. Like with Tyson, it helped me see that there are good guys out there--and it also showed me how truly happy and content I can be.

For those who haven't heard, he's been dealing with some fallout from his divorce. He went last night to take care of some stuff, and he said it was in doing so that he realized that he wasn't ready to be in a new relationship when he was still dealing with the financial and emotional ramifications from the first one. He said he loved me but he "didn't expect to find me so soon." And he said, many times, that he didn't want to "ruin another person's life."

When he came over at lunch this afternoon, I cried, and HE cried, and he said he was sorry but that his "head wasn't right." He wished he had met me a month or 2 down the road. I was like, "Well this is stupid, why don't we just take a break while you wrap up this house and money stuff" and he said that THAT was the easy part; the emotional loose-ends were going to take a bit longer to deal with. When he walked out, he said "I know I'll never find you again."

So yeah, I'm crushed, especially because he WAS such a good guy. I should have listened to my instincts about dating someone freshly divorced. I was the first person he really dated post-divorce, but I asked him quite a bit at the beginning if he was SURE he was ready, and he kept saying that he was. And I decided to believe him. (Plus, at the time, I think he meant it, until his ex found out he was happy and dating again and started calling him, crying, telling him what an asshole he was and how badly he had hurt her--even though it was HER who pulled the plug on the marriage. I think that's where all this "I don't want to hurt someone else" thing is coming from. )

So, here's what I learned: one, don't be the first relationship post-divorce--because when he says he's ready, he's probably either lying to you or to himself. Two, if there's still drama between two people, then it's not truly "over"--at least not where it counts. And three, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.