Anti-climactic...

Since many of you already know, due to days of soul-searching and internal debate, but--

Dave and I are back together.

Yeah. Some of ya didn't see THAT coming, huh?

Let's just say that a phone call to get the rest of my stuff turned into a reconciliation.

He's a big butt sometimes, but hey --so am I. ;) And I love him, very much. And we've both changed a lot in the last few months. He's been reading up on BP (a plus by itself) and vows to stand by me, good AND bad. He'll be there during the "episodes" and more importantly, he wants to be actively involved to prevent us from getting to that stage, as much as possible. Did he handle this whole thing perfectly? Hell no. But this is a big deal and if he needed a couple months to adjust to the news, so be it. Furthermore, he said he wanted to make sure I was getting help for ME, and not for him--and I believe him (because I know myself). I was hesitant at first, and more than a little sad to give up my yummy Former Marine (who was quite understanding)--but I do believe that we're coming back together stronger than ever before.

And if I'm wrong? Well, you can bet that I'm keeping FM on speed dial. ;)

And a special shout-out to the Girl Tribunal. ;)

NOTE: OKAY, I put it back up.

One last point

In that same conversation, he said something about the fact that he "opened up his life" to me and that he doesn't do that very often. I think the main problem here is that he sees that night as something I did TO HIM, as in, "I opened my life to you and you repay me by lying to me and then acting that way." What I WISH and PRAY he'd understand is that this is NOT SOMETHING I DID TO HIM. Sure, he may have experienced the fallout, but during that whole episode, it was not me making a conscious choice to basically turn his life upside down and destroy the whole relationship. He's just the poor bastard who happened to be there. =-) Now I'm NOT saying that anything I do during these times is not my fault--which is why I went on the meds, to take responsibility and take the first step in getting it under control. But he needs to understand that I wasn't maliciously, purposely doing all that. In a way, JEN wasn't there. Was Hurricane Dean particularly pissed off at the Carribean? No. Do tornadoes have a REALLY big problem with Oklahoma and Kansas? Uh-uh. Those places just happened to get in the way of the destructive paths these disasters caused before they eventually ran out steam.

And that's the best way I can put it. =-)

While we were together, he'd often look at me adoringly and say things like "Man, you're just about perfect, you know that?" at which point I'd kind of snort or guffaw. But I do, looking back, see that as a warning sign. It's like he can't accept the UN-perfect me...or that I've fallen from the image HE had of me and that's just not okay... Or something.

OKAY I'M DONE OBSESSING. I promise. Thanks, everyone. We'll move on now. I know I am. ;)

All jacked up

I have another injury story for y'all.

On Saturday, Dave and I went to his friends' bi-monthly poker party (the guys get together roughly once a month, but every other month or so, when it's at Jay's house, girlfriends and wives also go and, well, everyone gets pretty damn drunk and jumps in the pool). I, of course, felt it would be rude NOT to partake in the social activities of the day and, being a good guest, politely took every Jello shot the hostess offered me.

Yes, my mama raised me right, she sho' did.

Anyway, the drinking started at 11 am (don't worry, Mom, no one was driving anywhere any time soon). By, oh, noon, I was feeling pretty damn good. By 2 pm, I was attempting to change into some bathing suit bottoms. (Not mine, even. The hostess, Mel's, who is quite tiny and fit. Luckily, I am also quite little on the bottom, so I could fit into them. However, Mel is much smaller on the top, in every possible way, so I was keeping my tshirt on.)

Well, I'm not the most graceful of individuals in the BEST of circumstances, let alone when I have many hours of drinking under my belt. So, somewhere along the line, as I was changing into these bikini bottoms, my feet got all tangled up and I fell on my ass.

And I'm talking cartoon-style, like I had slipped on a banana peel or something. My feet shot straight out from under me, I was airborne for a while and I came straight down on my tailbone.

"That's sure gonna hurt," one of the girls in the bedroom with me said matter-of-factly, "once you're not drunk and stuff."

And hurt it did, starting on Sunday morning. And it STILL hurts now, on Wednesday night. It hurts to walk. To sit down. To stand up. I've been hobbling around like a little old lady. It hurts even MORE, four days later, than it did when it first happened (mostly because I'm not, you know, "drunk and stuff").

Seriously, I do believe I broke my ass.

Ow.

Vegas pics part one

Here are some pics of Dave and I when we went to fancy dinner at Gallagher's (in New York, NY - Las Vegas).

And here's one at a photo booth earlier in the day.

I won a dolphin-painted Tshirt!!!!

At the Dolphin Research Center, one of the dolphin-interaction programs you can sign up for is Paint with a Dolphin. It's an extra $55 in addition to regular admission so I never actually registered for it--and anyway, when I'm there with the dolphins, that's usually plenty to just sent me over the moon with delirious happiness! However, every time we leave (LOL "every time"--we've only been there twice so far), Dave and I both fill out guest feedback cards--after all, the prize is your very own dolphin-painted Tshirt. Well, I received a call from the DRC--my entry was chosen this month. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have to call them back with my 2 color choices and a dolphin is going to paint ME a tshirt!!!!

I'll make sure to post a picture when it gets here! (And I'll probably frame the shirt instead of wear it.)

Do you know me at ALL?

I spent the night at Dave's house last night. I'll be hanging out here today till he gets home from work (he gets out early on Fridays, usually noon or so). As I was kissing him goodbye at the door this morning, he says, "If you go back to bed, don't forget to set the alarm."

He leaves at 5:30 in the morning.

There's no "if" about it, my friend.

A good day

1) I didn't want to kill the kids today (and with about 2 weeks of school left, that's considered a small victory)

2) We had our final dance tonight and there were no fights, no major behavior problems and only 2 girls in tears (both boy-related, of course)

3) Dave sent me roses at work--just because.

All in all, not too bad.

Martha Stewart I'm not

The other day, Dave called from the kitchen, "Hey, do you have any vinegar?"

"I don't know," I answered. "Check the spice rack."

[Pause]

"Um....vinegar's not a spice, Corky."

"Oh." [Pause.] "Yeah, I have no idea then."

A good day

Dave picked me up at one this afternoon (or, as I like to refer to it, "the crack of dawn") and we went mini-golfing, where I proceeded to KICK HIS ASS. It should be noted, once again, that Dave is a CERTIFIED GOLF COURSE SUPERINTENDENT. Now I know that mini-golf (or "putt-putt," as they call it down here) is way different from real golfing--even so, Dave's played a significant amount of golf in his day and I beat him quite severely.

Actually, I only beat him by 3 strokes; I was up by as much as 11 by one point but then I started feeling kind of badly, so I started swinging one-handed and with my eyes closed. ;) It's kind of funny, because at one point my ball seemed to be defying gravity--it would come to a complete stop and then roll uphill and sideways and all kinds of Matrix-type shit. I hit THREE holes in one, a personal record (AND I won a free game). And on a side note, I saw my first alligators today: the course had baby--and I use the term loosely, because they were still pretty damn big--alligators in the water by one of the holes (you could feed them, too, but we didn't do that).

After the game, we went to this cute little seafood place (where I, of course, had a burger and tried not to visibly gag as Dave ate WHOLE CRABS) and then went for a walk on the beach. It was a BEAUTIFUL day in Southwest Florida, that's for sure. The Gulf was warm and it was incredibly sunny. (Now, the neighboring county is under a tornado warning but Dave assures me that it's heading AWAY from us. Still, I'm keeping a wary eye on the sky.)

Really, we had a great day.

An actual transcript from last night's phone conversation

Dave: You're so beautiful, Jen. And you're so smart.
Jen: Oh, crap.
Dave: What?
Jen: My shirt's on backwards.
[Turns it around while Dave continues]
Dave: So anyway, you're so pretty, and you're so damn intelligent. That's what I like the most about you. I mean, I can have REAL conversations with you--
Jen: DAMMIT!
Dave: What's wrong, baby girl?
Jen: NOW my shirt's backwards!!
Dave: Huh?
Jen: It was on right the first time. Then I switched it around. And NOW it's backwards.
[Turns shirt around. Again.]
Jen: You were saying?
[Pause]
Dave: You're pretty.

Ask me what I'm doing this weekend!

Dave and I are going to the beach on Saturday!!

I'll be thinking of all you poor bastards in Michigan, Illinois, and Minnesota. ;)

So THIS is what a broken heart feels like....oh, wait, no, that's just bronchitis

This is another post that began as a reply to a comment, but I figured it was entertaining enough that it deserved it's own spot.

This thing with Dave was actually, for a few days there, a whole new level of pain for me. In fact, I actually went for two FULL days without eating. (And for ME, that's saying a lot.) =-) It was shaping up to be my most painful breakup ever (other than Cam, but what with the whole coma thing and all, that had a whole different set of issues). Anyway, it was weird, considering we were together for such a short period of time, but there was just something ABOUT him...plus, it's amazing how close you can get when you actually LET someone in and not push them away all the time.

HOWEVER, I'm glad to report that after a phone call last night (he called ME, thank you very much--mostly because, due to my lack of willpower, I deleted his number from my phone) and several emails, it sounds like this might just be a temporary thing rather than permanent...which makes me incredibly happy. He has some things to wrap up with his ex and the house in the next couple of weeks, plus a HUGE certification test at work, and he got to the point where he wanted to take a deep breath, slow down and fully resolve the issues of his OLD relationship before he could truly devote himself to his NEW one. However, I can confidently say that his love for me isn't, and never was, the problem. He's such a great guy.

On a rather humorous note (another one to file in the "Only Jen" category), I've had a hard time breathing since all of this went down--my chest has felt heavy, breathing was actually difficult and labored and I had a general pain in my chest. I wrote it off to, literally, a "broken heart" ("Wow," I thought, "Dave must REALLY be the one! I've never broken up with someone and been PHYSICALLY UNABLE to breathe!")...and then I realized, oh my God, I've been having an asthma attack for like 2 days! I was just so distracted with everything else, and it started at almost the same time that we broke up, so I just thought the "heaviness in my heart" was losing Dave. LOL. I'm such a 'tard.

I finally went to the doc after work yesterday (running down the hall to break up a fight yesterday afternoon literally depleted all of my remaining oxygen reserves and I could tell that I was in trouble) and walked out with--are you ready?--TEN different meds. They gave me breathing treatments, my pulse was REALLY high, my pulse-ox was down--they actually wanted to admit me to the hospital but I'm out of sick time so I told them I'd be fine if they loaded me up. Before I left, I got a steroid shot, more steroids to take home, about 5 different inhalors, etc....oh, and top of that, I have freakin' BRONCHITIS, too (which is disease #7 or something like that for March).

No wonder I felt so miserable the last few days. =-)

I'm a dork.

Another lesson learned

So Dave and I broke up. It was a hell of a 6 weeks, though. Like with Tyson, it helped me see that there are good guys out there--and it also showed me how truly happy and content I can be.

For those who haven't heard, he's been dealing with some fallout from his divorce. He went last night to take care of some stuff, and he said it was in doing so that he realized that he wasn't ready to be in a new relationship when he was still dealing with the financial and emotional ramifications from the first one. He said he loved me but he "didn't expect to find me so soon." And he said, many times, that he didn't want to "ruin another person's life."

When he came over at lunch this afternoon, I cried, and HE cried, and he said he was sorry but that his "head wasn't right." He wished he had met me a month or 2 down the road. I was like, "Well this is stupid, why don't we just take a break while you wrap up this house and money stuff" and he said that THAT was the easy part; the emotional loose-ends were going to take a bit longer to deal with. When he walked out, he said "I know I'll never find you again."

So yeah, I'm crushed, especially because he WAS such a good guy. I should have listened to my instincts about dating someone freshly divorced. I was the first person he really dated post-divorce, but I asked him quite a bit at the beginning if he was SURE he was ready, and he kept saying that he was. And I decided to believe him. (Plus, at the time, I think he meant it, until his ex found out he was happy and dating again and started calling him, crying, telling him what an asshole he was and how badly he had hurt her--even though it was HER who pulled the plug on the marriage. I think that's where all this "I don't want to hurt someone else" thing is coming from. )

So, here's what I learned: one, don't be the first relationship post-divorce--because when he says he's ready, he's probably either lying to you or to himself. Two, if there's still drama between two people, then it's not truly "over"--at least not where it counts. And three, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Checking in

Things have been very busy lately. Last week, we had the FCATs, the big standardized test here in FL. They're a BIG deal around here, as it determines how we're doing as a school, our rating and even our funding (to a certain extent).

We're done with those now (at least middle school is), but now I have yearbook keeping me busy (it's supposed to be done at the end of the month, but I have no freakin' idea how we're going to get it finished in time since kids keep dropping out for sports, etc); the school spelling bee is next week (I'm the middle school coordinator)....oh, and I just realized that the BIG spelling bee, to be held across the state in April (the one that our top 3 finalists from next week's school bee will compete in, along with students from all over the state from different schools in our charter school "company") is the same day as the March of Dimes walk that I signed our school up for/organized a team for. Oops. (I HOPE I can get one of the other teachers to go with my middle school kids to the spelling bee, but since that probably won't happen, I'll have to contact the other walkers and say, "Okay, I know I got you all to sign up for this walk, but now I won't be there because of the spelling bee....will you still do the walk anyway?" Then I'll have to contact those who pledged me and see if their contribution can still be applied to my school's team, assuming we'll still have one, or if they would like a refund if I end up not walking.

We also have other things keeping us busy this week and next--parent conferences, report cards, etc--but these are the main things on MY plate. Oh, and not to mention getting started back up with Pure Romance and trying to get parties book so I have a head start for the summer (not to mention money for NOW).

Oh yeah, and there's still my work with Soldiers' Angels.

And seeing Dave quite a bit, mostly on weekends.

What's up with all of YOU?