Dan and Jen--What Ever Happened With That??

Wow. Time kinda got away from me here, huh? Well, as most of you know, here's what has happened in the months since my last post:

• Dan and I spent a few days together when I was home for Christmas break....and it was incredible.
• We realized, very quickly, once I returned to FL that being apart was no longer an option. 20-something years was long enough.
• He bought a one way ticket down here at the end of January.
• We were engaged within a few days of his arrival.
• We'll be married before the end of 2011, although our summer wedding may become a fall one.

And, more recent developments....

• His kids will be living with us full time during May and part of June, while his ex also moves down to FL, settles in, find s a job, etc (and they'll be going to my school!)
• Needless to say, we need to upgrade to a bigger apartment, although we'll stay in the same complex (and Ft Myers)--at least for the next year
• His older son may end up staying with us full time, although we certainly don't know that for sure yet

Hopefully, I can be forgiven for my lapse in blogging. ;)

I have never, ever, ever been this happy. He has truly made all the pain and heartache I've gone through worthwhile.

I've finally found my happy ending--no. My BEGINNING.

An old friend returns (in a big, big way)

So....through the magic of FB, I have reconnected with an old friend, an old "boyfriend" if you will. We were like 11, and I would see him during the summer when I went up north with Renee to her family's cabin. We would write back and forth during the school year--until one day, I stopped hearing from him. I checked the mail religiously every day (while pining away for him every night) for like 2 weeks. Finally, I gave up...and never saw or heard from him again (I heard OF him, of course, through Renee's mom and stuff--I remember once seeing an oh-so-handsome pic of him in his baseball uniform or something like that at their house, but we never saw each other again). I went to the cabin with Renee a couple of times after that, but his family was never up at the same time we were....so alas, it just wasn't meant to be.

...Or was it? Although we became friends on FB like 2 years ago and exchanged a couple of messages (you know, the "hi, don't know if you remember me, how you been?" kind), we started to REALLY talk again a few weeks ago. He, I realized after reading some of his posts, was going through a rough patch in his marriage (which later became a separation and soon a divorce). I posted a few encouraging msgs to him and one day, he sent me a FB chat message. And we haven't stopped talking since then. No, literally. We stop to sleep and work, obviously, but that's about it. We've gone through (at last count) roughly 1300 text messages in the last 17 days, and the hours we've racked up on the phone? Fuhgeddaboutit. Our longest conversation was just on Thanksgiving Eve, which rang in at a whopping 5 hours, but I don't think we've ever had a conversation that lasted less than an hour, with an average phone call of 2 hours. (And we've talked every single night since about 3 days after we started texting.)

So what does all of this MEAN, you may be asking? Hell if I know. =-) I will say that we're definitely into each other. We'll be seeing each other when I go home next month, so we can MAKE SURE that this thing we think we may be rekindling is actually really there (although by now, we're both pretty sure). His divorce has to be finalized (although trust me when I say there is NO chance of a reconciliation). And, of course, there's the little matter of him living in Michigan (Beaverton, which is in the Midland-ish area) and me living in Paradise--I mean, Florida. As I told Kish yesterday, "I may have found the one thing that could drag my ass back to Michigan." (He couldn't move to FL, because of his 2 kids--who, btw, are both just beautiful.) Although quite honestly, I would be really, really bummed, as you all know how much I love it here. And I wouldn't do that unless I had a job lined up already and we were, like, engaged or something. I sure ain't givin' up Florida for just another boyfriend.

Sooooooo......who knows. I will also say that he's just as into me as I am into him, which is nice. We're actually quite stupid for each other right now. And sure, there may be nothing there romantically when we hang out in a few weeks, although that's becoming increasingly less likely. And there is, of course, a great deal of irony to the possibility of me ending back up with the very first guy I really really liked, after 23+ years of dating assholes, losers, cheaters and even an ex-con or two. (Although, as I told him, that just makes me appreciate him even more now.)

Oh, and by the way? He told me recently that he was crushed when he stopped hearing from me. I, of course, was stunned, and reminded him that no, it was HIM who stopped writing to ME. No, he said, one day my letters stopped coming, and he never heard back from me again, even after writing to me a couple more times. In fact, he told me that he kept my letters all the way through middle school, and high school--and that, in fact, they may still be at his dad's house somewhere. So we aren't sure what happened...but we're back in touch now, and maybe that's all that really matters.

Update

I have been doing SO bad with Broken Road lately--mostly because all of us talk so regularly on FB. I really need to get back in the habit again.

I've just been so busy. I can't put my finger on exactly WHY this school year feels so much more hectic than others have. Maybe because we have 2 new teachers on the team (including, of course, my hot bff), so there's more work involved getting them trained and up to speed (and offering my mentoring services, natch). Maybe because I'm working harder this year (since I DIDN'T get a bonus for last year, which REALLY pisses me off. Yes, their FCAT scores weren't as high as the year before, but that doesn't mean I still didn't bust my ass with those kids...but I digress. Regardless, THAT shit ain't gonna happen again, so I'm really pulling out all the stops this year). But yeah, the year is flying by, and it'll be Thanksgiving break before I know it.

My bday is this Friday. This are the last few days of my EARLY 30s (34 is definitely "mid"). Damn. It's hard to believe. I don't FEEL 34. And although many things about my life kickass, I'm still kind of bummed that I'm single (the kid thing doesn't bother me so much...the older I get, the less upset I think I'd be if I DON'T have more kids one day. But marriage is a definite). I was actually kind of "talking" to a new teacher at my school, but I'm not sure how much I'm into him yet. Plus, of course, there are potential complications. (There are no specific rules about dating coworkers, as long as someone is not a superior to the other, etc--in fact, several married couples work for our company; they're just posted at different schools. So if anything DID happen with this guy, one of us would eventually transfer...but our school is gossipy as hell, and it would just be a general pain in the ass, no matter how hard we tried to keep it quiet. Plus, like I said, I don't know how much I like him yet. We mostly hang out in group settings so far. We'll see.)

I guess that's about all for now. Check back again soon, though--I PROMISE I'll be updating more regularly now.

A "slight" update

So....to make a very long story short, my roommate and I have had a falling out, and I have 2 weeks to move out (not even. More like 12 days).

Everything was going perfectly, literally perfectly, till very recently. She disapproves of Chad, basically. What I hadn't told you guys yet, because I didn't even know myself what was going to come of this whole thing, is that he got out of jail about 2 months ago for drugs (dealing). He told me everything the night we met, because he said I deserved to know everything about him and his background so I could decide if I even wanted to keep talking to him that night or just walk away. The way I was raised, and the way I am as a person, is that it's not my job to judge others. I've made some mistakes in my past that *I* would not like to be judged by/for/on, and it's not my place to judge him or his "value." If nothing else, he needs a friend right now. Every single action of his so far has shown me that he truly does want to turn his life around--that he made an incredible mistake that almost ruined his life for good, and he intends to do everything he can to take advantage of the opportunity he has now. In fact, he wants to return to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor, so he can use his past experiences to help others (although right now, he's just trying to find a job; as we all know, it's a tough job market out there for anyone at the moment, let alone someone with his past).

And yes, we really are just friends, for the record. We've talked about "us" quite a bit already, and although we've become really close in the last month or so and have spent a LOT of time together, we also know that jumping into a relationship is not great for either of us. He knows I need time to get to know him and see if he is serious about making a change--and on his end, he's trying to pick up the pieces of his life, so adding a relationship to that is obviously the least of his concerns. To paraphrase what he told me, he feels like absolute shit about himself right now and as though he has absolutely nothing to bring to the table right now, in terms of an equal partnership/relationship....kind of the whole "you have to love yourself to truly love someone else" thing. And he said that this could very well be the start of something; but right now, he has to start rebuilding his life. However, he also tells me on a daily basis that he's so grateful he met me, that it means the world to him that I DO listen to him without judgement, and allow him to vent and figure things out, sometimes in his OWN head, and that I believe he can be successful. He also said that my friends and I (he's met many of them at this point) are exactly the kind of people he needs to surround himself with right now as he builds his new life.

Soooo....I made the mistake (in hindsight) of telling April about his past. I honestly thought that she'd keep an open mind as well (even if she wasn't thrilled with his past cuz let's face it, who would be? *I* don't love it myself). However, she told me on Sunday evening that he is not welcome in our apartment at all, for any length of time, period, which led to an argument. I called her judgemental and she called me naive. I said it was people like her who made it impossible for people like him TO change his life around, and that it must be nice to have lived a life that's free of any kind of mistakes and regrets. I pointed out that she'd barely ever spoken a word to him (not just when he was here, which frankly wasn't that often anyway, but when we'd be out with friends or whatever as well) or made any true attempt to get to know him, and she replied that she already knew everything she needed/wanted to know about him.

That was Sunday. I told her I thought she was overreacting by banning him from the apartment completely but if that's what she wanted, so be it, at which point I took off to go talk to him and cool off. (For the record, the argument we had definitely involved raised voices on both sides, but I actually thought I did a pretty damn good job at keeping it adult and civil.) By the time I got back later that night, she was in bed, and then I was in bed by the time she returned last night. We exchanged a couple of texts, primarily about the dog (had she been out recently, etc--I also told her that although I did care about Chad, I also didn't want this to jeopardize either our friendship or our living situation) but that was it.

Then tonight, she came home around 8:00 (with a friend of hers, another teacher at our school by the way). She knocked on my door; I thought she was coming in for a nice little heart to heart and instead she said that she felt it was best that I leave, and that I had 12 days in which to do it (for the record, her name is the only one on the lease because my credit kinda sucks, but we got this place together and it was "ours"). Her reasoning is that her parents are "horrified" that I'm living here, exposing her to "those kinds of people" and "putting her in danger". I pointed out that I'd agreed not to bring him here anymore so the entire point/discussion seemed moot to me, and she said yes, but she knows I'm still hanging out with him, and she doesn't want to live with someone who allow people like that into their life. But mostly it's her parents, it seems. They dont want their daughter living with someone who associates with people like that (aka flawed) and now they "fear for her safety" (although he doesn't have anything violent in his background or on his record, period).

So...there you have it. I have until we leave for Christmas break in 12 days to get packed and moved. To say I'm in shock doesn't even begin to cover how I feel right now. I mean, if he was an actual drug dealer STILL, and I was running around slinging hash with him and joining him in drive-bys when I wasn't busy shooting up, that's one thing. But I certainly don't think that he's a bad person today because of what happened in his past (a red flag? Sure. Something to watch very carefully? Absolutely. But does it mean that he's not worth getting to know or that he CAN'T make something out of his life? Absolutely NOT). And I CERTAINLY certainly don't think that I'M a bad person because of it.

This all just went down tonight and I'm really shell-shocked....but you know, she isn't the kind of person that *I* thought she was and she's not someone I want to live with, let alone be friends with. It sucks that I only have 12 days but frankly, I don't want to be here anymore anyway. Most of the people who HAVE met him actually like him and, again, are keeping an open mind, which is all I ever wanted from her. But if she's this quick to judge people (not just him but, let's face it, she's judging ME as well now, and that I'm no longer worth having as a friend OR a roommate)--well, that's not the kind of person I want in MY life. You know what? I would much rather be TOO trusting and naive and caring than be that judgemental of others, even if it means my getting hurt (which I have in the past and I'm sure I will again) because of that trust.

So....there you go. I really didn't even want to tell you guys about this (his past), if only because I wanted you to know him for who he is today and who he desperately wants to be in the future, rather than who he was. I KNOW there's the chance that he will go back to that lifestyle, and HE knows that that's something I would not be able to stand by or stick around for....and I really think I would know if he did start it up again because quite frankly, he was not selling a little pot on the side before. He had a pretty major business going, and if he gets a job as a server, let's say, he'd have a really hard time hiding or explaining a sudden, dramatic increase in the his income...not to mention the fact that he's been nothing but up front with me so far. Trust me on this, he even tells me when he has the CHANCE to do something but turns it down. Now that he's been out for a while, some of his old contacts are starting to call, asking if he can get this or that, and he keeps saying no. And guys, I would never ever ever justify that kind of behavior but right now, he has NOTHING. And it takes a lot of balls to say no to a single phone call that could bring in hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars when you are so down and out. And he's DOING it. And I actually admire that kind of strength and determination. And as long as he's trying to turn it around, I'm perfectly willing to be a friend to him while he does. And if it becomes more than that, we'll see.

And yes, I KNOW I can get hurt here. But I am who I am, and I'm not sorry for that. I have a big heart (if not a big brain, ha ha), and I care about people, and I can see the good in them. Yes, I DO still believe that most people, at their core, are good, and I will always believe that, even when it does bite me in the ass (and even if others can't or won't see that good in them). I've lived too flawed a life to even think about judging others, and that's one of the things that I think my friends--my TRUE friends--value about me the most...that I will always listen with an open mind and never judge them, their decisions or their actions.

Because that's just how I roll.

How is it Thursday again already?

I'm only posting once a week now? You'd think I went and got myself a life or something!

I had guitar lesson #2 today. LOVE THEM, btw. I practiced my "homework" (2 pages on the notes on the E string--E, F, G) religiously over the last week, so when I walked in today my guy was actually really impressed. Instead of going over the lesson like he usually has to do, he just had me play the "hardest" part of the lesson to see that I had it, and we skipped right to the next string (the 2nd from the bottom, which is actually the top--the B string). Dude, guitar is SO MUCH HARDER when you have 6 notes to read and play instead of 3--and on 2 different strings, no less! I went from the advanced class to the slow, remedial group in about 2 seconds today, LOL. I felt SO bumbling and frustrated. However, he said he's setting the bar pretty high for me since I'm picking it up pretty quickly, so he expects me to come back in 2 weeks (we don't have our lesson next week due to Thanksgiving) and have this next section down. I told him I'd do it, come hell or high water, but right now it seems impossible. (Although by the end of this next section, I'll be able to play Ode to Jode, an actual SONG--and it's like 5 lines!)

Let's see...I hung out with Chad a couple of times this week, although one of our "dates" was helping a friend of mine move (which he VOLUNTEERED to do, btw. Shit, I don't even like helping my own damn friends move, let alone total strangers). We'll probably meet up at some point this weekend--I hope so, anyway. And he's coming with me to Thanksgiving at a friend's, too. (Although when he got out of the car on Tuesday night, he didn't kiss me or anything. Maybe I'm being all over-analyzing-y and stuff, but did I just get put in the Friend Zone? I know he was bone tired, but still.)

That's really all that's new. The other stuff is the same ol', same ol'. My work highlight this week was actually today--after giving a long division quiz on which my kids scored an average of 61 (after working on it for like 2 weeks), I retested them today and now there average was 80. And that's only because one girl was like 12%, which really messed up the overall average. They did SO MUCH BETTER. And one of my ESE (formerly special ed) girls got an A!! I think this was her first A in math in years, seriously. Now on to division with 2-digit divisors! (The divisor is the smaller number you put into the larger number, FYI.)

So...yeah. That's what's up.

Catching up

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks (how is that possible?). Here's what's been up:

1) I've been sick...a few different times. It's been all go go go with very little sleep, so my immune system has been even weaker than normal (which, let's face it, sucks even on its good days, LOL).

2) Parent-teacher conferences and report cards last week. A few late nights at school and lots of extra work at home.

3) I started guitar lessons today! My teacher is a 25-year-old John Mayer look alike (holla!); he's very cool and I was immediately comfortable with him. I told him that he was going to have his hands full with me because I'm musically UNinclined, blonde and Polish. However, I have to say, my first lesson was a huge success. Maybe I really am a guitar prodigy! Granted, all I did today was learn the E chord, learn the 3 notes in that chord (E, F and G), learn the frets (numbered from the top, starting with 1 and counting down), learn how to "count" the strings (the "top" string, #1, is actually the one on the bottom when you hold the guitar on your knee), learn how to "count" your fingers (your thumb doesn't count; finger #1 is your index finger). Oh, and I reviewed how to read the whole, half and quarter notes, and how to read E, F and G on the staff. And did I mention that that was all in 30 minutes? I have 2 pages in my book to practice before next Thursday (playing music with those 3 notes), and I'm going to have it DOWN before I see him again.

4) I met a guy, I think. I mean, I definitely met one; I just don't know what, if anything, is going to come of it. I just met him on Monday (at my after-work hang out place); we stayed there talking till almost midnight; we've talked every day since (usually several times a day); and we're hanging out again tomorrow night (I think I'm going to cook him lasagne). And I have to say, even though it's only been a few days, I'm already more excited about and "into" him than I ever was about Daniel. Even if nothing happens with New Guy (Chad), it's shown me that this thing with Daniel is definitely DOA. I really wanted to like him, but it's just NOT THERE.

I think that's about all.

A deep chick flick

I watched Bride Wars this weekend. It was actually a good movie--funny and light-hearted, a classic chick flick. It was exactly the kind of movie that women love and men would have to be dragged to.

And then, at the end, came this voice-over:

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who's been standing beside you all along. "

And that made me stop and think. My dating life has been the subject of countless posts, emails, phone calls, and girl get-togethers. I often wonder if I'll ever find "the one," if I'll find the kind of love and relationship that seems to come so easily to others. As a child, I never thought that I would be 32 and still single. And, although women are settling down and starting families later now than at any point in history, it's also a biological fact that if I don't have kids in the next few years, it may not happen for me at all. (And my emotions keep going back and forth on this issue: sometimes my biological clock ticks like a time bomb, and sometimes I truly feel that I'd be okay if I never had another a child of my own, that maybe my path will include either adopting or becoming a stepmother.) Still, it's no secret that I do, at the very least, want to get married--someday. And, as I see former classmates getting divorced and beginning SECOND marriages, I'm beginning to view my never-married status as a source of pride--that I'm learning invaluable lessons along the way, that I'm refusing to settle, that I'm not rushing into anything, and that all of this will help to make sure that when I DO take that final step, it will last.

And then I watched Bride Wars, and that voice-over made me stop in my tracks. The idea that my "soul mate" may not be a romantic partner but rather a friend kind of blew me away. That's not to say that I'd be okay never getting married--far from it. Even if the kids thing never happens for me, I truly hope that marriage is in the cards somewhere down the line. But maybe, when it comes down to it, I'm searching for something that I already have. Renee's been around since first grade, and the rest of the Girl Tribunal has been around since high school (Kish) and my mid-20s (Anna). And then there's Nik and Missy, who came into my life through the marriage of our parents but have been my sisters in every way that matters. They all know me inside and out, they love me unconditionally, they give me a kick in the ass when I need it (and let's face it, that's pretty often) and they are always, ALWAYS there for me. They've never let me down. They've seen me grow and change over the years and have been my biggest supports throughout every one. Even when I make mistakes (some of them over and over again), they still have my back. What guy will EVER be able to compete with that? Even if I meet the perfect man tomorrow (and trust me, I'll still be out there looking, LOL), he won't know the me of yesterday--only the me of today and tomorrow.

Needless to say, I highly recommend this movie. It will make you want to tell all of your friends how much they mean to you...which is why I'm writing this post. I love you all.

And if I'm still single and childless when I'm 50, I'm coming to live with one of y'all.

And PS

While we were out last night, I slipped my number to one of the bartenders. (I couldn't resist; he gave me a flashing St. Paddy's Day shamrock ring.)

He called today. (His name is Jim; he's 33.)

We're hanging out tonight.

Major drama

And I'm not just talking about the fact that one 5th grade girl spread a rumor today that another 5th grade girl was a lesbian (and if you don't think THAT'S drama, then you've been out of 5th grade too long. Hell, I didn't eat lunch today because this rumor had hit MIDDLE SCHOOL and I was talking the target of the rumor down from a freakin' ledge--seriously, girls are just HORRIBLE to each other).

No, this is Jen Drama. And I mean for realz. See, my roommate went gone on vacation last week. I totally dug having the place to myself for the first time since I moved in....

...until today, when he STILL hadn't shown back up. Mind you, when I didn't see him yesterday, I didn't think TOO much of it, I just figured he was taking an extra vacation day. But when I still didn't see him TODAY, I finally called him to see if he was still alive.

Turns out, he quit his job (hence the "vacation" last week--he had already quit and just didn't tell me) and has been across the state, staying with friends and looking for a new job.

Now, this could be good OR bad for me. Keep in mind that he OWNS this place (not rents; owns). He swears up and down that he's not getting rid of this place until at LEAST next year (because frankly, with the housing market the way that it is, he probably couldn't even if he wanted to). He said that if I'm still here paying half of rent and utilities and all that, he'll keep it. So basically, I pay half the rent and get the place all to myself--a sweet deal, right? It just makes me nervous knowing that he COULD call me next week or whatever and tell me I need to find a new place to live. He promised me that even if he DID get rid of it, he'd give me at least 60 days notice--but again, he stressed, it's not something we'd have to deal with until at least next year. However, I'm much more cynical than I used to be, and what if he's just SAYING that to keep me here until he DOES have a buyer lined up (which, again, even if he's trying to, could take a long ass time)? Should I start looking for a place now, or believe him when he says I'm good indefinitely?

BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, MY FRIENDS, I WASN'T STRESSED OUT AND/OR CRAZY ENOUGH ALREADY.

**Interestingly, this "crisis" has kind of bonded Steve and I (Steve is the guy I've been re-dating (yes, "re-dating"--it's a word if you're single) for a few weeks now. I called him in a tizzy and we talked and he helped me out a lot and it's kind of like the movie "Failure to Launch", a reference that won't mean any thing to you if you haven't seen it--but suddenly, we're more couple-y now, which is an interesting plot twist. In fact, as we speak, I'm trying to organize plans for St Patrick's Day--which isn't for a freakin' WEEK--because 1) he's Irish and 2) he's from BOSTON so, as he says, this is like "his New Year's Eve"--and he goes, "And I'm trying to tell you that I want to spend it with YOU but I also want you to understand that this is a pretty big deal for me!!" LOL. Because I've always been very take-it-or-leave-it when it comes to the crowds and green beer and all that crap. And he was having a heart attack because I kept saying, "Yeah, dude, we'll hang out, let's figure it out next week," and he's literally trying to line shit up like it's NYE. Luckily for HIM, one of my friends at school is engaged to the morning DJs at one of the top radio stations here in town, a DJ who happens to be doing a live remote both this weekend AND on the actual holiday, so Steve is about to get the hookup--hell yeah!).

Friday the 13th

F***....what a day. Where do I begin?

1) I had ANOTHER student possibly break something today. (And an update on A: yes, his thumb was broken.) C. (you will remember him as our class president who gave that really touching "campaign" speech) injured his ankle at recess; by the time another teacher and I carried him into the nurse's office, it was already swollen pretty badly. I'm going to call his mom this weekend to see what happened (she picked him up early to get it checked out).

2) We had a situation with a very irate parent today that warranted the calling of the county sheriff's office (not one of my kids, thank God, but I was called down during my "free" period to wait for her arrival, as they wanted as many staff members as possible present in case things got really out of hand. Apparently, they were expecting quite the scene. It's a really long story, but I missed all the drama anyway because she still hadn't shown up by the time I had to go pick up my kids from art. And anyway, the cops were there by then so they wouldn't have needed my backup after all). =-)

3) I think I'm accidentally dating John now, otherwise known as Fiance (remember him? Brad's friend?). It's another long story, but apparently he's still harboring a bit of a crush on me. He called me today while I was at one of my "meetings," and since he was in the neighborhood he dropped by. He ended up meeting all of my friends (they really, really liked him), and they all seemed to assume that we were a couple--and the little shit kind of went with it. (In fact, he instigated it even further by doing little things like putting his arm around the back of my chair, buying my drinks, resting his hand on my leg and other little casually affectionate touches like that--you know, just the little "body language" things that couples do. And he played the part so well that by the time they left, my 2 or 3 closest friends were giving me the "why didn't you tell us??" look, since it totally looked like we were dating. It was actually kind of funny.) Well, we ended up on a "date" after they all left (just walking around this outdoor mall area--Renee, it's the one I took you and John to), and we had a "talk," and I basically told him that I actually liked him quite a bit but that he was such a good guy that I didn't know HOW to date a guy like that anymore, which is why anytime we got anywhere near the dating stage I'd always pull back and disappear (LOL--I'm actually the guy in this relationship)--and anyway, he's rather actively pursuing me now. It's true--men love a challenge. There's more involved, of course, but he really seems to want us to start dating. And the thing is, I can SEE this becoming a "thing," but since he's a truly good guy who wouldn't fuck me over, it would probably last a while, and that scares the crap out of me. Go figure. Plus, I don't want to hurt HIM if we started dating and then I bailed. Ugh. Anyway. Expect more posts on this issue because he's quite the persistant one. He wants to take me out on his bike tonight--I've never rode one before but I might actually try it.

Oh--and you know how I told you that Vday is Da Bomb of all holidays when it comes to teaching? Here's a pic of just a few of my presents this year--and although you can't really tell from this shot, this is one big ass dog. Seriously, it's huge.

The electrician

UPDATED WITHOUT THE 13,300 TYPOS

Okay, now that things have calmed down a bit, here's the scoop on the new guy:

We actually talked on Match.com MONTHS ago, maybe even pre-LCB--in fact, we may have stopped talking BECAUSE of LCB. I don't recall for sure; at any rate, we started emailing again about 2 weeks ago. He disappeared for about a week (turns out he had gone to Niagra Falls and back home to Boston with his daughter) and then started texting last week. We met for dinner at Applebee's on Sunday afternoon and stayed there for almost 4 hours. He's freakin' ADORABLE and a truly genuine, good guy (so far, LOL).

Our 2nd "date" was riding out the hurricane. He lives in a town called Cape Coral, which is obviously surrounded by water and pretty low-level. Jokingly, I offered to protect him and he took me up on it. (It reminded me of Mom and Steve's first "date" when she invited him over one Thanksgiving so he wouldn't be alone--it was much the same idea). So Brad, Electrician (ironically, who is also named Steve) and I had a hurricane party (which was more like a tropical storm party, as it turned out). I just kept thinking of his daughter and my dad: if there was a hurricane, I wouldn't want MY dad to be alone, ya know? (By the way: his daughter attends one of "my" charter schools, a couple of towns over. Small world. She's in 6th grade.)

So....that's about it. And it's funny, because even though it was only our second date, I think we're well on our way to being "together." A big change from LCB, with whom it took months to reach that same definitive conclusion (and even then, we "together" isn't the right word, as he was SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE). With Electrician, there's no wondering or games. He's into me and he shows it. (Now I'll never hear from him again, LOL.) He calls--when he says he will and sometimes even when he doesn't. He told me he thought about me 9 times the day after our date--9 because he "didn't want to be gay and go into the double digits like a chump," hahhhaha. He WANTS to see me. It's not a rushing thing, either--it's just happening naturally. It's kind of cool. I feel comfortable with him and, of course, he's a smart ass. He cracked me up last night. A lot.

Anyway. That's that. So far, so good. We'll see.

First Day of School

So all in all, it was a great day. I really like my class. Two of them are going to be issues. Expect to hear a lot about P. and M. this year. =-)) They won't stop talking, ALREADY. And everyone knows you're on your "best" behavior that first day. Imagine how they'll be once they feel more comfortable and relaxed.

The morning was all about going over expectations, procedures and rules. We practiced "Give me 5," walking in the hallway (Yes, even at 5th grade--and I'll be damned if this isn't the most crooked class I've ever had), etc. We talked about everything from where to turn in homework to how to check out books from my library. After alllllll of that, I have them a spelling pretest (Hell yea! First day, bitches!) and it was time for lunch and recess. After that, they had art and we briefly started discussing "heritage," the subject of our first unit in reading. I do believe that I struck a good balance of first-day-niceness and first-day-strictness. I feel pretty happy with how things went today. (Of course, we spent some time talking about Fay, as that fits under science and current events. I let them know when, around 11, we were officially put under a hurricane warning.)

School has, of course, been cancelled for Tuesday.

Special shoutout to Scheki: sorry I missed you last night. I had my date, then another friend stopped by (okay. Not a friend. LCB.)--and tonight, as we know, is a bit crazy. =-) Do you get to Ft. Myers often, though? (LOL. "Do you come here often?")

I'm getting married!

His name is John; he's a friend of Brad's. I had a crush on him shortly after my breakup with LCB, but then I thought I was just rebounding so I got over him. =-) A month later, though, my crush is officially back on.

It started with me telling him that Brad and I were going to come stay with him when our place gets de-termited. "I've got a nice big bed," he said laviciously. (Oooh, I get like triple points for that one.) "Good," I said, smiling angelically. "And it's sweet of you to sleep on the couch so I can have it all to myself."

The flirting took off from there. I made the boys dinner (so you KNOW I like him, LOL). At one point Brad went to the store, and John "helped" me cook (coming in to tell me I should turn up the temp on the burgers, add more seasoning to the fries, etc. I won't tell you my response to his suggestions, but it wasn't very ladylike).

Somewhere along the way, we decided we were getting married, which of course led to a conversation on how we'd make a living. John told me that actually, he'd been thinking about going back to school to be a teacher. "Oh, we can be a little Teacher Family," I said. "We'll be poor, but we'll live on love. You, me, John Junior--or JJ as we'll call him--and little Lexie," I gushed. "Oh, it'll be grand." (My use of the word "grand" made him snort out his beer.)

When our meal was ready, John, upon trying my turkey burgers, said, "If the rest of your cooking is as good as this, I will impregnate you toNIGHT." Brad laughed and told him to hold off on that. "I haven't seen her cook since our 'honeymoon period' right after she moved in," he told John as I glared at him from the kitchen. "Hey, considering the fact that I'm not sleeping with either one of you, I'd say this is a pretty intricate meal," I told him, gesturing at the turkey burgers, fries and corn dogs. In preparation for our upcoming nuptuals, John asked if I had a large dowry. "If by 'dowry' you mean 'chest,' then yes," I answered. (LOL, now you KNOW I like him, since I'm always at my smart-assed best around a guy I'm attracted to.)

Later, John and Brad were talking about checking out the hot girls at Starbucks. "Excuse me," I primly told John. "I don't think you're allowed to do that anymore." "Sorry, dear," he told me as Brad rolled his eyes. (You gotta start training them early, you know what I mean?)

Anyway, it's still (mainly) innocent, but I do suspect that there's an undercurrent of seriousness underneath it all (not the marriage thing, but possibly a definite mutual attraction. However, the fact that he's Brad's friend does add a potential complication, so we'll see. And speaking of which, can I tell you how refreshing it is to be able to even joke about marriage and kids without the other party breaking out into hives and/or throwing himself off the side of a boat? Ahem).

To tell or not to tell

Okay, now that things with Shawn are slowly shifting into more of "relationship" thing (not serious but definitely becoming more than just casually dating)--when do I tell him about the bipolar? To refresh, the two schools of thought on this are:

1) Tell them right away; if it's something that they can't handle, it's better to find that out sooner rather than later. Plus, they'll be less likely to feel that you were "hiding" something from them

2) Wait till....I don't know. It's definitely serious, I guess. Maybe even until the L word is introduced. At that point, you know they're in it and they're less likely to leave because of it. Plus, by then, they're already more invested in you. If you tell them sooner, it would be easier for them to leave. If you wait, they're more likely to care about you unconditionally. Then again, they may be resentful that it took you so long to tell them. Plus, if they DO leave, it will hurt that much more.

For the record, Dave says tell him now. =-) (We still talk every couple of weeks. We don't hang out, though.) He says, as you remember, that part of the reason he reacted so badly is because I never told him. Of course, I wasn't medicated so obviously it's totally different, but he still says that if I HAD come to him sooner, maybe things would have gone a different way.

I really don't know, guys. I want to handle this whole thing the "right" way. It hasn't escaped my notice that my first post-med relationship is going very well, very slowly, very normally and very healthily. (Is that a word?) And I don't want to mess it up by saying too much too soon--OR by waiting too long and having it somehow blow up in my face.

I need help, guys.

Operation: Birthday a rip-roaring * success!

(*Renee: the "rip-roaring was for you, to continue our new tradition of using old and utterly gay phrases.)

But no, seriously, it was. Here are the highlights:

The Cake. After a mini-episode and panicked phone call to Renee, who assured me that it WAS okay to buy rather than bake a cake, especially since I was cooking dinner, I scouted out an amazing double-chocolate cake with raspberry filling and almonds, chocolate wafers and chocolate-covered strawberries on top. I knew I had done well when I literally had people from the next checkout lane coming over to admire it, but HIS reaction was even better. He was genuinely touched and actually took pictures of it. He said it was the best cake he had ever gotten. And yes, it tasted just as good as it looked.

Dinner. Thanks to Renee for the lasagna recipe. It turned out fantastic. (If anyone needs a good, pretty easy recipe, ask Renee.) He watched me, fascinated, as I made it (he's a good cook but had never attempted lasagna before) and even started to "backseat cook" ("That layer could use some more sauce, maybe"). It was fun. At one point I caught him gazing--yes, gazing--at me almost adoringly. It was so cute. But that doesn't even COMPARE to his reaction to...

The Present. (See previous posts for conversation regarding the actual present.) It wasn't delivered until yesterday afternoon around 4, so I was getting a bit nervous. I wrapped it and headed out. I was just GIDDY all evening, since I couldn't wait to give it to him. We agreed he'd open it while the lasagna was cooking. It was finally time, and I started to worry--maybe I had over-estimated the awesomeness of this present. Maybe he didn't like this artist as much as I thought he did. He started to open it and saw the back of the book first, which had one of his paintings on it--but he still didn't get what it was. He finished tearing off the paper, flipped it over....and oh my gosh, I wish you could have seen the reaction. His mouth dropped open, he kind of gasped, and he looked from the book, to me, to the book, to me a few times. Then he kind of said, "What did you DO? How did you...?" Then he came over and just gave me the longest hug. You could tell that he was genuinely touched and happy. It was truly one of the coolest moments of my life, watching that kind of reaction. It was so genuine and pure and just...HAPPY. When he was able to speak again (truly, it was a while--he sat down, looked through the pages, periodically looking up to say, "Jen, thank you so much. This is just awesome/amazing/sweet/wonderful"), he asked how in the world I thought of this. I just kind of shrugged and explained how I came about finding it.

Anyway, the rest of the night was great. We ate dinner on the balcony again with jazz playing. He had 2 bottles of champagne for the occasion, which we went through pretty quickly, LOL. We had the cake. We watched TV until midnight (officially his birthday). Then we went to bed, because hey, he ain't gettin' any younger. ;)

This morning, he made fruit salad and we had breakfast outside. He kind of poked around his fruit and said, sadly, "I'm old." "No you aren't, babe," I said supportively. "These days, 37 is nothing. Especially for guys." "Yeah, you know what they say," he replied. "37 is the new 4."

Oh my god, I laughed so hard.

So yes, this post in lengthy but seriously, that moment of him opening that present will stay with me forever. The look on his face--how truly touched and just shocked he was--was priceless. When he looked up at me, we had kind of a moment. A big one, actually.

Oh--and his parents DO know about me now. ;) Whoo hoo!

Happy Birthday

Shawn (the new guy--5 weeks strong, LOL) is this coming weekend. It's always hard when there's some kind of major holiday shortly after you start dating: gift card? regular card? gift? how much? how personal? So I've been kicking this around in my head.

Well last night while I was over there, he was showing me some stuff on his computer. (No, not the porn.) ;) It was some paintings by Peter Max, an Andy Warhol-type "pop art" guy. It was obvious that he really liked his work, as he spent a considerable amount of time going through the slides. And an idea was born.

Once I got home, I jumped on MY computer and did a search for "Peter Max." Twenty minutes later, I had it. There's a BEAUTIFUL coffee table book filled with his work (260+ pages); according to the reviews by Amazon.com customers. Even better, they had the $50 on sale for $31, which is almost exactly the amount of the gift card I got for Valentine's Day. (I'm not saying that in a tit-for-tat, "that's what you spent on me so that's what you're getting back" kind of way; rather, it let me know that I was in an acceptable price range for where we are--wherever that may be, LOL. Although, I will say that every time we hang out we do seem to get a little closer and more "couple-y." I guess this is how NORMAL people do it, huh?) ;)

Anyway, I had to upgrade to 2-day shipping to make sure it's here for the big day, but it's going to be so totally worth it. I really think he's going to like it. I think it struck that balance of being a personal gift that shows I listen, know what his interests are and care about him, but it's not TOO personal, mushy or "lovey."

OK, I've spent enough time analyzing this gift (LOL...there's no amount of meds in the world for that, I'm coming to find out. That's not the bipolar....that's just ME.) I'll let you know how it goes over. *

*Having said that: knowing my track record, I'll go over there tonight, at which point he'll announce that he fell in love with a supermodel while running errands this afternoon and it's officially over, effective immediately.)

Anti-climactic...

Since many of you already know, due to days of soul-searching and internal debate, but--

Dave and I are back together.

Yeah. Some of ya didn't see THAT coming, huh?

Let's just say that a phone call to get the rest of my stuff turned into a reconciliation.

He's a big butt sometimes, but hey --so am I. ;) And I love him, very much. And we've both changed a lot in the last few months. He's been reading up on BP (a plus by itself) and vows to stand by me, good AND bad. He'll be there during the "episodes" and more importantly, he wants to be actively involved to prevent us from getting to that stage, as much as possible. Did he handle this whole thing perfectly? Hell no. But this is a big deal and if he needed a couple months to adjust to the news, so be it. Furthermore, he said he wanted to make sure I was getting help for ME, and not for him--and I believe him (because I know myself). I was hesitant at first, and more than a little sad to give up my yummy Former Marine (who was quite understanding)--but I do believe that we're coming back together stronger than ever before.

And if I'm wrong? Well, you can bet that I'm keeping FM on speed dial. ;)

And a special shout-out to the Girl Tribunal. ;)

A little of everything

• Katey took Blake (my nephew) to a geneticist this week. Apparently, his cerebral palsy is hereditary-- a 1 in 4 chance. I don't know yet if it's on Nick's side or ours, but if it's OURS it's certainly something to keep in mind. I'll have to decide if I want to have more kids someday--and if I have one already who's "okay," that means my chances of having a CP baby increase with each kid I have. Kind of scary.
• I saw Former Marine again last night. I went over to his house and we got dinner and a movie. I think I was a little TOO overzealous with my "no funny business" mandate prior to agreeing to go over there, because once I got arrived he had "my" spot picked out (the couch) and "his" spot (down the hall and to the left, LOL). But you know what? He was a total gentleman and I had a blast. In fact, I even initiated a bit of "friendliness" with HIM since he was so good at respecting my boundries.
• I think he likes me, too, which is amazing considering the DUMB ASS THING I said last night. We were going to a Peruvian restaraunt and he said "You know what that means, right?" and all indignant-like I replied, "Uh, YEAH. It's food from PERUVIA. Duh." He literally fell off the chair from laughing so hard. "What do you teach again?" he asked when he finally regained control. "Sdjjjjdj," I muttered. "What was that?" he asked. "Social studies," I repeated, at which point he went into another episode. But hey--in my defense, there are a LOT of little countries that no one really knows and "Peruvia" SOUNDS like a real place.
• OOOH, I have another Former Marine story and then I'm done. This is weird, though. He wanted to see me on Monday night but I had an appointment with my drug doctor. So I told him I couldn't, I had an appointment. Sounded nice and generic, right? "Oh yeah?" he asked. "What kind of appointment?"

"Doctor's," I said. "No big deal."

"Oh," he said. "You're bipolar, huh?"

I almost drove off the road. "What makes you say that?" I asked as casually as I could.

"You said you're heading out to Matlacha, right?" he said. "That's where all the bipolar people go, from what I hear. There's a big clinic there."

LOL. Now mind you, he was saying this jokingly--but it WOULD have been a good time to just say, "Actually, yeah, I do have it but it's under control and not really a big deal," but I was just FROZEN.

Then last night, when I was with him, he was telling me a story about his ex-roommate, and somehow we got on the subject of a friend of hers who--you guessed it--was bipolar. LOL. It's ALL AROUND ME with this guy. But she was on disability because of it; hers was very severe.

THEN, later that same night, while we were all cuddled up on the couch and stuff, a commercial came on about having a friend with mental illlness. I actually looked up at the ceiling like, "Is this a SIGN?" But I couldn't tell him. He kind of snorted when the commercial came on...and I get the feeling that it's not so much that he judges them (or "us," I guess I should say), but rather that all of his experiences with people with these types of issues have all been negative AND much more severe cases.

They say on the BP boards that you'll know when and how to tell someone, almost instinctively, and I think that's true. Sometimes it's best to tell them right away--to do it right away, to get it over with, to act like it's no big deal--and to find out if they're gonna run, because it's better to have them do it right away. But sometimes, it IS better to just proceed with things and bring it up later, down the road, once you start building kind of a history and foundation. And honestly, in this case, I truly think it's better to wait for him to really get to know me and care about me (if we ever get that far, even); I think that will help him to accept the news--seeing how "normal" (shut up) I am, and how, generally speaking, this really DOESN'T affect my life.

Dating in your 30s

This started out as a reply to a comment; then I decided, the more I typed, that it was worthy of a separate post.

It's kind of funny, but I'm becoming almost PROUD of my childless (well...you know) and never-married status. Although I was feeling quite old-maid-ish in my late 20s, something happened as I hit this new decade....I wear it now as a badge of pride, rather than a "What the hell is wrong with HER? Why has no one married her yet?" type of thing. People like me are becoming increasingly rare in Dating Land, that's for sure. Instead of being divorced and on my 2nd go-around, I'm still waiting for the right guy. I'd rather be single till I'm 40 and find "the one" than to get married at 22 and divorced at 28, ya know?

(DISCLAIMER TO THE DATING GODS: that does not mean that I HOPE I'm single till I'm 40. Just so we're clear on that fact.)

Instead of becoming LESS picky and settling as I get older, I find myself becoming MORE picky about the men I date (and keep around). Shit. I've waited THIS long; I'm sure not going to settle now.

As many of you know, I have pretty low self-esteem. However, for all of my many, many flaws, I can recognize this truth about myself: I am an incredibly loving, compassionate person. When I love someone, I LOVE them--totally and completely. I do my absolute best to make them happy. Do I fuck up every now and then? Hell, yeah. But I still feel that what I have to offer outweighs those cons. Because like everyone else, I'm human. I can only do so much. And--OOH, EPIPHANY!!!--this is why I'm so forgiving of others' mistakes. This is why it's so hard for me to hold a grudge. This is why I still talk to the exes who treated me like crap or the people who have hurt me along the way....because I know what it's like to fuck up. ROYALLY. And I hope people will forgive ME and see the good that *I* still have to offer, in spite of it all. And that's what I do: even when someone's an ass to me, I still focus on the good--because that's exactly what I hope they'll do for me.

And you know what? If, along the way, someone CAN'T forgive me or stand by me--well, that's fine. I don't have to answer to them. But I do have to answer to ME. And no matter how badly they knock me down, I'll know that *I* always gave them the benefit of the doubt, I always loved THEM with an open heart, I always forgave THEM--even if it ended up biting me in the ass.

Everything happens for a reason, and God knows I saw my share of trials during my 20s (and even the first 9 months of my 30s) and learned my share of lessons. I have to believe that it's all leading up to/ preparing me for SOMETHING, ya know? It's like the name of this blog is truly coming to fruition:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you...
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

I'm still single as a motherf*cker--but at least now I can see the REASON for it...and be okay with it.

On the plus side....

Single Dad is taking me to the Brad Paisley/Rodney Atkins concert on Sunday night! I haven't been to a country concert since Garth Brooks in college, but I DO listen to country and I like a lot of their songs, such as Paisley's "She's Everything" (my ringtone for a while--the most beautiful song I've ever heard....I mean, if you believe in love and all that shit) and Atkins's "If You're Goin' Thru Hell" and "These Are My People."

And, I haven't been to a concert at all since I moved here, so it'll be fun.

We went out to dinner again tonight, sat there for 3 hours, and then he came back here, I changed into my walking shoes and we walked around another hour and a half.

He's pretty cool, so far. ;)