Please indulge me
I've tried really hard not to make this blog a pity party after the latest (and final) breakup with Lying Cheating Bastard. But tonight, it's hard and so I have to say:
I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss SHAWN. Not the cheating, lying, deceitful LCB, but the OTHER Shawn, the one who kept me ignoring my instincts and keeping my blinders on. The Shawn who made me laugh more and harder than any other boyfriend ever did. The Shawn I'd have so much fun with. The one who knew me surprisingly well. The one who made me smile. The one who gave me butterflies every time he called. emailed or texted or I walked in the door.
He was an almost daily part of my life for quite a while--not that long in the grand scheme of things, not a long time compared to the relationships some of YOU have had--but he was still a significant part of my life, for a long time for ME. And now, to have him gone just like that, it sucks. And the WAY it ended is what truly sucks. He took our friendship, he took my trust, and he threw it away. (Truth be told, he had probably done that long before he admitted to it.) It's like he erased all of the good memories with that one single act. And that's not even accurate. Those good times aren't ERASED. They're SULLIED.* And that's even worse.
I hate knowing that that guy, that this relationship--and all the good times that went along with it--all ended with him cheating with someone at work (and, again, there's a good chance that there were others). It's weird to have that dual-image in my head--the good Shawn and the bad Shawn. The one who made me so incredibly happy and the one who broke my heart.
I think, overall, I'm doing okay. I mean, hell, as I write this, it's only been 6 days since I got that email. In the last week, I've gone out with friends several times, seen my little sister and picked up a new hobby. I've gotten out of the house almost every day. Compared to how I would have reacted to a breakup (hell, how I HAVE acted), I'm recovering very well for just 6 days in. But I'm also wondering if maybe I'm staying TOO busy, and if, in keeping myself from really thinking about it, I'm actually holding myself back from getting over it. There's gotta be a happy medium between "bouncing right back" and "wallowing in misery," and I don't think I've quite found it yet.
Like I said, I know I'll be fine, I know the day will come when I barely think of him, and if I DO, it won't hurt. But right now...I can't believe it's only been 6 days. I swear to God, it's almost like time has slowed to a crawl. I'm trying to fill up my days, and it's almost like, the more I do, the slower time goes. Shouldn't it be going the other way?
And furthermore: how could the guy who made me so happy also be the same one who hurt me so deeply?
Right now, I miss him so much that my chest hurts.
*Mad props for the use of the word "sullied"
Showing posts with label lying pieces of shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lying pieces of shit. Show all posts
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Oops
So. First I should come clean (with those of you who don't know) and say that I got back with Lying Bastard shortly after my return to Florida. However, that blew up in my face in SPECTACULAR fashion yesterday when he informed me that he slept with someone else over the weekend and, in fact, was leaving me for her.
Awesome.
Needless to say, I was a bit upset yesterday. (And still am, but hell, it's my own damn fault. I was almost asking for it, really. "I SUSPECT you're cheating on me, but since I still have SOME measure of self-respect left, let's get back together so you can take care of that. That way, I can hang in there until you ADMIT that you're cheating on me--and then you can kick me when I'm down by telling me that after 6 months of not quite being able to commit to me, you're ready to become exclusive with her after just a FUCKING WEEK. How's that? Sound like a plan?")
Ahem.
Anyway, I went to my already-scheduled Crazy Doc appt. today. After talking to me for a few minutes, she informed me that I was in the middle of a manic episode and actually had been for at least the last week or so--well before this Lying Bastard shit hit the fan. I knew that I had been feeling--not depressed, exactly, but more apathetic--I just didn't feel like going out, I wasn't calling people back, etc. On top of that, however, I've been up all night, unable to sleep; I've been spending money like I'm freakin' Paris Hilton or some shit--and a few other things that are the hallmark of "up" episodes. Ironically, I am just 10 days or so from the one-year anniversary of my breakup with Dave--and, of course, the famous episode that sent me into treatment in the first place (shout out to the nice officers of the Estero Police Department. Holla!). So, I'm almost extra bummed to find out that I'm struggling with it again, since it's been a full year--which, in hindsight, is the longest I've gone my whole LIFE without a "freak out" or "melt down" or "temper tantrum" (as I would have called it before). I know that bipolar disorder is never cured, and even with medicine, you're almost guaranteed to have future episodes--the key, though, is to recognize the symptoms early and deal with it before it becomes more severe. And luckily, we caught it in time. But still, I've been all proud of myself for being "normal" this last year.
Dr. L did say, though, that it was a good thing I came in when I did, since already being in an episode and then having this added emotional "strain" added to it probably would have sent me into a much more severe, um, situation.
The funny part is that during our last appt. about 5 weeks ago, she had written me a script for a particular "sleeping pill"--you all remember me talking about it, I'm sure. It's the stuff that totally knocked me on my ass. Well, it's a special sleeping pill for people with BP--however, I thought it was an "as needed" kind of pill. As she was reviewing my chart today, she said, "Okay, so right now you're on the Lamictal and the Seroquel--" and I interrupted her and said, "No, not really." She gave me her over-the-glasses look and I clarified, "I only take that Seroquel stuff when I really need it and honestly, once my samples ran out, I just kind of stopped and went back to the Unisom and stuff."
She looked at me like I was a dullard and informed that I was supposed to be taking that EVERY NIGHT. "It's part of what helps to control your disease," she said. "It makes sure you're getting enough sleep every night, which is crucial for people with BP, but it also helps to regulate your brain chemistry during the day."
Ooops. My bad. =-)
So, yeah--I filled that script on my way home, LOL. And I'm fittin' to take one right now, actually, since I slept for, oh, 2 hours last night.
I'll be okay (both crazy-wise and heartbreak-wise)...but it may take a while.
So. First I should come clean (with those of you who don't know) and say that I got back with Lying Bastard shortly after my return to Florida. However, that blew up in my face in SPECTACULAR fashion yesterday when he informed me that he slept with someone else over the weekend and, in fact, was leaving me for her.
Awesome.
Needless to say, I was a bit upset yesterday. (And still am, but hell, it's my own damn fault. I was almost asking for it, really. "I SUSPECT you're cheating on me, but since I still have SOME measure of self-respect left, let's get back together so you can take care of that. That way, I can hang in there until you ADMIT that you're cheating on me--and then you can kick me when I'm down by telling me that after 6 months of not quite being able to commit to me, you're ready to become exclusive with her after just a FUCKING WEEK. How's that? Sound like a plan?")
Ahem.
Anyway, I went to my already-scheduled Crazy Doc appt. today. After talking to me for a few minutes, she informed me that I was in the middle of a manic episode and actually had been for at least the last week or so--well before this Lying Bastard shit hit the fan. I knew that I had been feeling--not depressed, exactly, but more apathetic--I just didn't feel like going out, I wasn't calling people back, etc. On top of that, however, I've been up all night, unable to sleep; I've been spending money like I'm freakin' Paris Hilton or some shit--and a few other things that are the hallmark of "up" episodes. Ironically, I am just 10 days or so from the one-year anniversary of my breakup with Dave--and, of course, the famous episode that sent me into treatment in the first place (shout out to the nice officers of the Estero Police Department. Holla!). So, I'm almost extra bummed to find out that I'm struggling with it again, since it's been a full year--which, in hindsight, is the longest I've gone my whole LIFE without a "freak out" or "melt down" or "temper tantrum" (as I would have called it before). I know that bipolar disorder is never cured, and even with medicine, you're almost guaranteed to have future episodes--the key, though, is to recognize the symptoms early and deal with it before it becomes more severe. And luckily, we caught it in time. But still, I've been all proud of myself for being "normal" this last year.
Dr. L did say, though, that it was a good thing I came in when I did, since already being in an episode and then having this added emotional "strain" added to it probably would have sent me into a much more severe, um, situation.
The funny part is that during our last appt. about 5 weeks ago, she had written me a script for a particular "sleeping pill"--you all remember me talking about it, I'm sure. It's the stuff that totally knocked me on my ass. Well, it's a special sleeping pill for people with BP--however, I thought it was an "as needed" kind of pill. As she was reviewing my chart today, she said, "Okay, so right now you're on the Lamictal and the Seroquel--" and I interrupted her and said, "No, not really." She gave me her over-the-glasses look and I clarified, "I only take that Seroquel stuff when I really need it and honestly, once my samples ran out, I just kind of stopped and went back to the Unisom and stuff."
She looked at me like I was a dullard and informed that I was supposed to be taking that EVERY NIGHT. "It's part of what helps to control your disease," she said. "It makes sure you're getting enough sleep every night, which is crucial for people with BP, but it also helps to regulate your brain chemistry during the day."
Ooops. My bad. =-)
So, yeah--I filled that script on my way home, LOL. And I'm fittin' to take one right now, actually, since I slept for, oh, 2 hours last night.
I'll be okay (both crazy-wise and heartbreak-wise)...but it may take a while.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Motherf*cker
So Cheating Lying Bastard brought over a big bag of my stuff last night (a visit in which he looked me dead in the eye and promised me that he had not, in fact, cheated on me).
A bag that included a stick of women's deodorant...THAT WASN'T MINE.
Since, after seeing him last night and looking into his big, earnest, gorgeous eyes, I was ALMOST thinking about believing him, I took this as a bitch-slap back to reality from The Big Man Upstairs. (And by now, even HE must be like "CRAP, this girl is a slow learner!!")
I've never been so pissed and yet laughed so hard in my entire life.
Too bad I didn't go through the bag until today, or I could have added "shoving a stick of deodorant up someone's ass" to the List of Things I'm Good at Doing Left Handed.
So Cheating Lying Bastard brought over a big bag of my stuff last night (a visit in which he looked me dead in the eye and promised me that he had not, in fact, cheated on me).
A bag that included a stick of women's deodorant...THAT WASN'T MINE.
Since, after seeing him last night and looking into his big, earnest, gorgeous eyes, I was ALMOST thinking about believing him, I took this as a bitch-slap back to reality from The Big Man Upstairs. (And by now, even HE must be like "CRAP, this girl is a slow learner!!")
I've never been so pissed and yet laughed so hard in my entire life.
Too bad I didn't go through the bag until today, or I could have added "shoving a stick of deodorant up someone's ass" to the List of Things I'm Good at Doing Left Handed.
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